What would you do if you feel that your brother doesnt like you

Hi there!

I LOVE the reason you chose that name -- even though I always thought it was the MEN who were from Mars and women who were from Venus...

At any rate, can I ask how old you are and how old your brother is?

I came from a family of four kids. Mom and Dad had four of us in five years. They wanted us to be 'close.'

Didn't work... !!!

I was the oldest and my brother was the youngest. When my sister got engaged he crawled under the house and tapped her phone line and would listen to it in his closet!

Some brothers are real brats, eh?

I have raised six children of my own now. Some are close and some aren't (to each other). It's really an individual thing.

What's happening between you and your brother might be pretty normal and you might laugh about it when you are older, do you think? Or is it worse than that? Is he just being brother-type-nasty at times or is he actually threatening you or what?

By the way, my 'little' brother is now 6'4" and an elder in his church... I STILL can't believe it!



Helen

 

OK, here's a promise, OK?

Assuming both of you stay off of drugs and out of serious trouble, both of which can really jeopardize family ties, you WILL become not only friends, but probably best friends in the years to come.

Right now you are half-way (in his eyes) between the baby sister he loved and a pesty sibling he has to deal with at a time when he is reaching for his own independence.

And you? You are at the worst age of all for a girl. Everything is going crazy some days and you are probably longing for the support from your brother that would make your world a little more stable. In a lot of ways you are both going through the same thing right now, and even though it may not seem like it is hard on him, it is.

It's not just all the junk you hear about hormones -- even though that really is a biggie for the guys and the girls through the teens -- but that your brains themselves are going through massive changes physically. Some of the old connections are dying away to make room for new ones which will help you be more adult. My brother (remember him? SUPER pest?) is almost 50 now and refers to what his own two boys went through as 'their brains got re-wired.' I think he's right from what I have read in science papers. That is almost exactly what happens.

So you and your brother are BOTH feeling disconnected! And, believe me, your behavior and your brother's behavior is difficult for your parents to deal with, too! You are not the same person you were a few years ago, are you? Your brother isn't either!

Your mom and dad brought home two adorable tiny infants 16 and 13 years ago, and the world was blossoming with possibilities and dreams for them. But each of you two came equipped with your own personalities from birth, and they found, as all we parents do, that they couldn't just 'mold' you!

And you are still that way. You are your own person. Big problem, though: you are not quite sure who that person is!

Your brother feels the same way about himself, even though that may be hard for you to believe. He really does. Show him this conversation between us and see what he says about it, OK?

Gradually he will not only become a stable and fine young man, but he will also watch you grow into a gracious and graceful young lady. And there WILL be a time, in just a couple of years probably, when he will say to friends he brings home, "Yeah, SHE's MY sister. And DON'T make a move on her, understand?"

And you will, later, look at him with laughter and love, remembering these awful years and how you both stumbled through them and somehow, SOMEHOW, came out sane and adult on the other side of them.

In the meantime, please know that Jesus Himself is the older brother who loves you so much. When the world is tumbling down -- AGAIN -- talk to Him. He understands. He is there for you. He will take you both through all this time safely. You really can depend on Him. You are both loved so much more than you can ever imagine.

And you can come here anytime and talk your heart out if you like. That's what this board for 'youth' is for. It's for you. Ask anything you want. Don't post stuff that is too personal, though, like your address or school or anything, because anyone can read these boards and I want you to stay safe.

But there are some lovely ladies here you can talk to anytime if you need to talk about something personal. Here are some of the ladies who you can trust:

Keeperofmyhome
Joy
Margie
Katie
Bobbie
Lorelei

you can push the icon at the top of any of our messages and it will show you how to email any of us.

there are others. But I know all of these have children and so they have been through the trauma times themselves and are helping their own children grow up as well. And all of them love the Lord and are solid Christian ladies.

Or you can email me anytime you like, too.

God bless you!

Helen
[email protected]

 

My sister and I still fight and were in our 20's now. We love eachother however and I always have to tell off boys from eyeing her up. We have a great understanding.

 

My brother and I used to fight all the time. We broke a table once. When I say fight, I mean, hitting, punching screaming (he did most of the hitting, I handled the screaming)

Now, were both "all grown up" (Sort of) and we are pretty close. I'm gonna miss him when he moves this fall. He's added Oklahoma to his choice of colleges NO NO NO NO!

 

I believe that this is normal for most all siblings. I had an older brother and sister plus one younger brother and we always argued. We even had fist fights on occations. We even told each other that we hate each others guts but if someone picked on me one of my siblings would take up for me and I them. We love each other very much but we didn't want to share our feelings for each other. My brothers and I our very close now but my sister has chosen not to be a part of our lives(I will probably come to BB later for help on that subject). I am almost sure you and your brother will grow to have a healthy relationship. For now, remember brothers say things they don't mean when there anger.

[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: Sam ]

 

Many wise people have posted their answers to your dilemma, and all of them speak from experience.

My parents had us close together (14 months apart), and by mistake, I was born first (LOL). My younger sister never accepted being second and tried at every move to derail my attempts to be a big sister.

It didn't take long to realize that things were unfair (from my perspective). I had to be responsible for our conflicts since I was older. I had to pretend that I WASN'T getting more privileges for being older. I had to pretend to nap because she HAD to nap. I had to eat the broken cookies. AND worst of all, I wasn't allowed to hit her back.

It doesn't take long to get a clue that it's easier to GET AWAY from the sibling than it is to change the sibling.

Of course, that may be not happening in your family. I will say that extra things are often heaped on the older child, unbeknownst to the younger. I knew and know that I love my sister, but I DO NOT like being controlled by her.

However, when the chips were down (as an adult), no one could reach me like she could. When I had a bad marriage, when we lost our Mom, when I had to leave a fantastic job, she was there for me. There is no one on this earth that I am closer to genetically than my sister. She and I are polar opposites in personality and lifestyle, but through the differences and the criticism I know she's there. She will always be family to me, no matter what happens.

I only hope that someday I can show her the same compassion she has shown me in my hard times. She is going through a lot of hard times right now, and I pray that perhaps I'll have an answer for her, the way she had them for me.

Hang in there. Time is the great healer and teacher. Conflicts are temporary, siblings are forever. Give your brother time to grow up himself and he'll wake up when he's ready. I hope that it is maturity that makes him turn to you and not tragedy, but have faith that in either event, you will be his best friend.

P.S.: I am a middle school art teacher, thought you'd like to know!!!! This is my website for school:
My web page at Fluvanna Middle School