Would you make other people's children conform to your dress standards?

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by abcgrad94, Apr 13, 2010.

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  1. abcgrad94

    abcgrad94
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    My daughter was asked to go swimming at the gym with a friend and her family. The other girl's dad requested that in order to go, my dd needed to wear a t-shirt and shorts over her bathing suit while swimming since that is his family's rule. (he's never seen my dd's modest, one-piece suit and didn't ask our dress standards for swimming, just started his preference.)

    This event will be in a public pool where dress standards range from his very conservative dress to string bikinis. This is not a church youth group activity or a Christian camp with a dress code, simply a public gym.

    I thought his request was interesting since I just took his kids ice skating and never asked that they don pants instead of their normal skirts for the occasion.

    So, do you as a parent, ask other people's kids to conform to your personal preference in dress in order for them to be seen with your family? Or if your personal preference is not so strict, would you explain that to the other parent, or just have your kid be subject to his rules?
     
  2. Scarlett O.

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    Well.....I understand if he requires his girls to wear a t-shirt over their suit, but shorts? How are they going to swim wearing non-bathing suit shorts?

    Whatever.

    Anyway, since he did do the inviting, I would have her wear the shorts and the shirt, but I WOULD make sure that I talked to her and made SURE that she did not feel as if she were covering up because she was "bad" in anyway.

    Sometimes ultra-fundamentalists cause young girls to develop very poor body images even though they are innocently just trying to teach modesty. If you tell a girl that she has to cover up all the time, she soon gets the idea that something is wrong with her and she is a "danger" to all the boys. I've seen many a young ultra-fundamentalist girl turn into the girl that her parents were afraid of. You have to teach a girl that she is fearfully and wonderfully made in the same lesson that you teaching modesty in or it will backfire.

    So........

    ......I would conform to his request as it is not THAT ridiculous, but I would DEFINITELY talk to him and tell him that YOU believe that the modest one-piece is modest enough. And thank him for the invitation.

    Just my thinking.
     
  3. windcatcher

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    Excellent answer!:thumbsup:
     
  4. Bob Alkire

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    I agree!! My family and I went to a fine church years ago, that women were to wear dresses and skirts, no slacks. I disagree with that but to this day that church was a blessed experience. I can say I agree more with that pastor than any other one I've had. He didn't care what you wore in your church or any other place or came in off the street to that church but he wanted members to dress in accord with what the church had been doing for over 80 years. Every church or should I say most have had ways or traditions that I disagree with, but while at that place I did things their way, he gave the invite so do it his way or not at all is how I see it.
     
  5. Trotter

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    I have been the one asking that someone else's kid adhere to our standards. Actually, I told the kid how it would happen and that's what we did as our daughter's friends were not "church" kids and were given free reign in their clothing choices. Teenage girls tend to go as skimpy as possible whenever they can get away with it... at least when they have never been taught to respect their own body.

    I have lent these girls our daughter's clothes to go to church with us. I have given them t-shrts to cover themselves when we went swimming (both for them and for my own sake). Saying something to their parents was futile as they didn't see anything wrong with their daughter's bosom hanging out of their "Sunday" dress, or the bottom of their butt cheeks hanging out of their bikini.

    While I can see the guy's side in requiring the t-shirt and shorts, I can also see you side of it and can understand your frustration. if my kid was going with someone else I would have her adhere to their wishes as long as it did not conflict with our own convictions.
     
  6. abcgrad94

    abcgrad94
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    There has to be a balance between respecting someone else's wishes and them respecting my right to parent my own child as I see fit. I mean, if I give in to this, is he going to ask her to wear a skirt while at his home? A burka if they go shopping? What if next she can't wear nail polish or make up in their presence?

    I know that's extreme, but part of me feels threatened/infringed upon as a parent. Not everyone needs a rigid set of rules to be a good parent. I'm sensitive about this issue because I was raised under a stifling set of "standards" that did more harm than good. So, I appreciate your comments to help me keep this in perspective.
     
  7. Salty

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    Bob, would you say this comes under Romans 14:13 - 21 ?
     
  8. Bob Alkire

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    Amen brother!!!
     
  9. matt wade

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    I completely understand where you are coming from with the how far will it go questions. I also agree that a modest one piece is appropriate attire.

    I also would have to say that if your child is going to go with their family then their family rules apply. If the rules rub you the wrong way then the obvious solution is that your daughter doesn't go with them. I don't allow my kids to go stay at people's houses that I know drink heavily or do other activities I don't agree with. This issue is no different. If you don't want your kid exposed to the rigid rules, then don't send you kid with them.
     
  10. Bob Alkire

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    You are the parent of your child, if it is a problem with you, don't allow her to go. But don't expect them to invite and do everything your way, if there is a difference. The guest should do as the host ask, or decline.
     
  11. menageriekeeper

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    I think I'd have to have a long talk with the other family to see just what they think they are accomplishing by wearing a t-shirt and shorts over a bathing suit to swim in. If it is for the purpose of your dd fitting into their family or to keep their own kids from questioning why your dd gets to do something that they can't, that might an okay reason to comply.

    But really, there are lots of places to get swimsuits with skirts that don't get in the way of swimming like shorts and a t-shirt would, so I'm not seeing the point. If modesty is the issue then deal with that without creating a potential safety issue. (t-shirts and some shorts depending o the fabric, get wet and constrict to the body making it difficult to move, or it will float around and tangle up, again causing a problem with movement. "Underarmour" makes t-shirts and shorts that can be swum in comfortably and safely and can reduce the need for sunscreen)
     
  12. Dr. Bob

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    I faced such an issue and would not let my child attend. Legalism never beats a drum and shouts "HERE I AM". It always comes in as a "pious request", that MY standards are simply not good enough and certainly poor compared to another's.

    A game I will not play. Nor would I teach my children to play.

    (BTW, if the father had such an "issue" with modesty, what on earth was he doing taking his family to a public swim?? I personally stay away from those things!)
     
  13. Gina B

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    This is Bob, not Gina.

    Dear Gina - in my vain attempt at humor I somehow erased your post. I am sorry, contrite, penitent and owe you one free post of your choice.

    You did NOTHING wrong. My stinking fingers did not "quote" you as I desired (about being nekkid after the rapture was funny!!), but rather "editted" you out of existence.

    Grrrrr.
     
    #13 Gina B, Apr 13, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2010
  14. Steven2006

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    Your daughter is their guest, IMHO you should tell her do so cheerfully or politely decline the invitation. What I would caution is to inject you opinions so strongly that you end up undermining the parents of your daughters friend.

    As far as you not requiring anything of their daughter when she was your guest. It really shouldn't be about keeping score.
     
  15. abcgrad94

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    No, it's not about keeping score, it's about respecting their right to parent their own kids the way they see fit and wishing they extended the same right to me.

    The way I explained it to my dd was that their rules are a bit stricter than ours but if it didn't bother her to conform to that particular rule, she could go swimming with them. I told her different parents have different rules and she could choose whether or not she felt comfortable going. I did not undermine the other parents to her. While I do disagree with them, it wouldn't be fair for the other kids to have to follow the rule while she does differently while under their supervision. If, in the future, they want her to conform to other rules then we'll have to take that on a case by case basis.

    I know Dr. Bob deleted Gina's post, but I agreed with what she and others have said, which was basically to be myself and let the dad be himself and not take this as an insult to my parenting skills.
     
  16. Steven2006

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    I don't see how they didn't respect you? You didn't ask anything of them?

    Sounds like when all was said and done you handled it just fine. :thumbs:

    Keep in mind, this girl just might end up being a great friend to your daughter as the years move forward.
     
  17. Jon-Marc

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    Since it's not at his home, he has no right to set any standard for your child. I would tell him that, although he would probably then refuse to take her. Let her make the decision as to how badly she wants to go.
     
  18. Winman

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    I think you made an excellent decision here and what you told your daughter was terrific. You have taught her to respect other people's differences. There are times when this should not be done, but in the case of simply going swimming it is fine. :thumbs:
     
    #18 Winman, Apr 14, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 14, 2010
  19. matt wade

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    So, by that logic, if one of my child's friends goes with us on an outing, I have no right to expect that child to not curse while we are on the outing?

    When you allow your child to go on an outing with another family, that families rules apply to your child. Just as when you send your child under the care of school or a function at church, the rules of those organizations apply. As I stated earlier, and as others have, you don't agree with the rules of another family or organization then don't send your child to be under their authority.
     
  20. annsni

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    Bob - if you click on your name at the bottom of the post where it says "edited by Dr. Bob", it will take you to a page where you can compare versions. You should be able to copy Gina's original post and edit it again. :) I know I can do this on two other vBulletin boards I'm on so I'd expect that you can do it here.
     
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