You are in a REDNECK Baptist Church if

Discussion in '2003 Archive' started by Major B, Dec 4, 2003.

  1. Major B

    Major B
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    You are in a redneck Baptist Church if...

    * The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

    * People ask (when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000) whether the two fish were bass, crappie or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

    * When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

    * Opening day of bird season is recognized as an official church holiday.

    * A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of."

    * The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

    * In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

    * Baptism is referred to as "branding."

    * There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank.

    * Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

    * High notes on the organ set the in the parking lot to howling.

    * People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

    * The baptismal font is a used dip tank donated by a farmer

    * The choir robes were donated by and embroidered with the logo from Larry, Darryl and Darryl’s Barbecue.

    * The collection plates were made out of hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

    * The pulpit committee asks prospective pastors questions about hunting dogs, shotguns, and deer rifles.
     
  2. dianetavegia

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    LOLOLOLOL
     
  3. Bible-boy

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    If you have Mens and Ladies out-houses behind the church (and its part of the pastor's job discription to clean em)!

    If there are gun racks on each side of the front door.

    If the church has smoking and non-smoking sections in the sanctuary.

    If the outcome of the NASCAR Winston Cup points standing causes a church split.
     
  4. Bible-boy

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    If church discipline means a trip to the woodshed!
     
  5. All about Grace

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    ...you have a NASCAR driver's name on your prayer list.

    ...you have made change out of the offering plate.

    ...you left the baptismal pool a little warmer than when you entered it.

    ...you have trucks in your parking lot with recently killed deer in the back.
     
  6. Dr. Bob

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    How 'bout gun racks in the Sunday School bus?
     
  7. Dina

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    If the communion cup holders on the backs of the pews double as spit cup holders.
     
  8. Loren B

    Loren B
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    I love the jokes but shouldn't this be in the Humor Section?

    Also, If the men come in their "dress" bib overalls.
     
  9. mioque

    mioque
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    It's official, I'm not visiting a redneck baptist church.
    Still busy picking up my jaw from the floor.
    (yes I know you are all being satirical, but still)
     
  10. Salty

    Salty
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    I looked in my "Handbook of Denomanations" and could not find the Redneck Baptist Association.
    Does anybody know what their website is. I would love to visit a redneck church.
     
  11. Gib

    Gib
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    Served in a church in Malone, Florida where several folks rode 4-wheelers to church. Parked them up on the grass.
     
  12. fromtheright

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    These are hilarious!
     
  13. Major B

    Major B
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    Mioque, we are only slightly satirical--these have many grains of truth. It's a rural American thing. Being from the Netherlands (been there, it's lovely and crowded), you might have a hard time relating to the wide open spaces where Redneck Americans live, and to our lifestyle.
     
  14. Helen

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    ...if church potluck announcements have to specify "no roadkill".
     
  15. Major B

    Major B
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    Come to Western Kentucky and visit any country Baptist church.
     
  16. fromtheright

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    ...your John Deere hat matches your tie.
     
  17. Bible-boy

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    That's funny! I don't care who you are that right there's funny. [​IMG]
     
  18. Bible-boy

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    Mioque, we are only slightly satirical--these have many grains of truth. It's a rural American thing. Being from the Netherlands (been there, it's lovely and crowded), you might have a hard time relating to the wide open spaces where Redneck Americans live, and to our lifestyle. </font>[/QUOTE]Plus, perhaps we had better explain what is meant by Redneck. According to Jeff Foxworthy (the original You might be a Redneck if... guy), "Being Redneck simply means the glorious absence of sophistication."
     
  19. mioque

    mioque
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    Major B&Bible-boy
    Visited the US, seen the open spaces, saw the snakehandlers ( [​IMG] back home on tv) and yes it all didn't make much sense to me.

    "* The pulpit committee asks prospective pastors questions about hunting dogs, shotguns, and deer rifles."
    It is to bad that Rien Poortvliet has died, because he would have fit right in.
    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0810981408/ref=pd_sim_art_elt/103-7467677-0927819?v=glance
    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0810913712/ref=pd_bxgy_text_1/103-7467677-0927819?v=glance&s=books&st=*
    http://books.mainseek.com/42R22P53889C4_Bargain-Books-Literature-and-Fiction-Fiction_Gnomes.html
     
  20. Major B

    Major B
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    Baptists don't handle snakes, we kill 'em. Dogs, now, that's different. A big, smart, "woofer" (that's a large dog that goes "woof" rather than a little rat dog that is a "tweeter" and goes "yip yip yip") can be a friend that'll beat any human friend!

    Mioque, to understand us, you'd have to live amongst us for awhile. Our city folks don't understand redneck (or blue collar) America any more than someone from the Netherlands does.

    By the way, who was Rien Poortvliet? Was he a race car driver? They don't have NASCAR in Europe, do they?
     

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