1. Welcome to Baptist Board, a friendly forum to discuss the Baptist Faith in a friendly surrounding.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to all the features that our community has to offer.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon and God Bless!

You are in a REDNECK Baptist Church if

Discussion in '2003 Archive' started by Major B, Dec 4, 2003.

  1. Major B

    Major B <img src=/6069.jpg>

    Joined:
    May 6, 2003
    Messages:
    2,294
    Likes Received:
    0
    You are in a redneck Baptist Church if...

    * The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

    * People ask (when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000) whether the two fish were bass, crappie or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

    * When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

    * Opening day of bird season is recognized as an official church holiday.

    * A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of."

    * The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

    * In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

    * Baptism is referred to as "branding."

    * There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank.

    * Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

    * High notes on the organ set the in the parking lot to howling.

    * People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

    * The baptismal font is a used dip tank donated by a farmer

    * The choir robes were donated by and embroidered with the logo from Larry, Darryl and Darryl’s Barbecue.

    * The collection plates were made out of hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

    * The pulpit committee asks prospective pastors questions about hunting dogs, shotguns, and deer rifles.
     
  2. Bible-boy

    Bible-boy Active Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2002
    Messages:
    4,254
    Likes Received:
    1
    If you have Mens and Ladies out-houses behind the church (and its part of the pastor's job discription to clean em)!

    If there are gun racks on each side of the front door.

    If the church has smoking and non-smoking sections in the sanctuary.

    If the outcome of the NASCAR Winston Cup points standing causes a church split.
     
  3. Bible-boy

    Bible-boy Active Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2002
    Messages:
    4,254
    Likes Received:
    1
    If church discipline means a trip to the woodshed!
     
  4. All about Grace

    All about Grace New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2002
    Messages:
    1,680
    Likes Received:
    0
    ...you have a NASCAR driver's name on your prayer list.

    ...you have made change out of the offering plate.

    ...you left the baptismal pool a little warmer than when you entered it.

    ...you have trucks in your parking lot with recently killed deer in the back.
     
  5. Dr. Bob

    Dr. Bob Administrator
    Administrator

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2000
    Messages:
    30,285
    Likes Received:
    507
    Faith:
    Baptist
    How 'bout gun racks in the Sunday School bus?
     
  6. Dina

    Dina New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2002
    Messages:
    649
    Likes Received:
    0
    If the communion cup holders on the backs of the pews double as spit cup holders.
     
  7. Loren B

    Loren B New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2000
    Messages:
    248
    Likes Received:
    0
    I love the jokes but shouldn't this be in the Humor Section?

    Also, If the men come in their "dress" bib overalls.
     
  8. mioque

    mioque New Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2003
    Messages:
    3,899
    Likes Received:
    0
    It's official, I'm not visiting a redneck baptist church.
    Still busy picking up my jaw from the floor.
    (yes I know you are all being satirical, but still)
     
  9. Salty

    Salty 20,000 Posts Club
    Administrator

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2003
    Messages:
    38,982
    Likes Received:
    2,615
    Faith:
    Baptist
    I looked in my "Handbook of Denomanations" and could not find the Redneck Baptist Association.
    Does anybody know what their website is. I would love to visit a redneck church.
     
  10. Gib

    Gib Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2003
    Messages:
    27,256
    Likes Received:
    14
    Served in a church in Malone, Florida where several folks rode 4-wheelers to church. Parked them up on the grass.
     
  11. fromtheright

    fromtheright <img src =/2844.JPG>

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2002
    Messages:
    2,772
    Likes Received:
    0
    These are hilarious!
     
  12. Major B

    Major B <img src=/6069.jpg>

    Joined:
    May 6, 2003
    Messages:
    2,294
    Likes Received:
    0
    Mioque, we are only slightly satirical--these have many grains of truth. It's a rural American thing. Being from the Netherlands (been there, it's lovely and crowded), you might have a hard time relating to the wide open spaces where Redneck Americans live, and to our lifestyle.
     
  13. Helen

    Helen <img src =/Helen2.gif>

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2001
    Messages:
    11,703
    Likes Received:
    2
    ...if church potluck announcements have to specify "no roadkill".
     
  14. Major B

    Major B <img src=/6069.jpg>

    Joined:
    May 6, 2003
    Messages:
    2,294
    Likes Received:
    0
    Come to Western Kentucky and visit any country Baptist church.
     
  15. fromtheright

    fromtheright <img src =/2844.JPG>

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2002
    Messages:
    2,772
    Likes Received:
    0
    ...your John Deere hat matches your tie.
     
  16. Bible-boy

    Bible-boy Active Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2002
    Messages:
    4,254
    Likes Received:
    1
    That's funny! I don't care who you are that right there's funny. [​IMG]
     
  17. Bible-boy

    Bible-boy Active Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2002
    Messages:
    4,254
    Likes Received:
    1
    Mioque, we are only slightly satirical--these have many grains of truth. It's a rural American thing. Being from the Netherlands (been there, it's lovely and crowded), you might have a hard time relating to the wide open spaces where Redneck Americans live, and to our lifestyle. </font>[/QUOTE]Plus, perhaps we had better explain what is meant by Redneck. According to Jeff Foxworthy (the original You might be a Redneck if... guy), "Being Redneck simply means the glorious absence of sophistication."
     
  18. mioque

    mioque New Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2003
    Messages:
    3,899
    Likes Received:
    0
    Major B&Bible-boy
    Visited the US, seen the open spaces, saw the snakehandlers ( [​IMG] back home on tv) and yes it all didn't make much sense to me.

    "* The pulpit committee asks prospective pastors questions about hunting dogs, shotguns, and deer rifles."
    It is to bad that Rien Poortvliet has died, because he would have fit right in.
    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0810981408/ref=pd_sim_art_elt/103-7467677-0927819?v=glance
    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0810913712/ref=pd_bxgy_text_1/103-7467677-0927819?v=glance&s=books&st=*
    http://books.mainseek.com/42R22P53889C4_Bargain-Books-Literature-and-Fiction-Fiction_Gnomes.html
     
  19. Major B

    Major B <img src=/6069.jpg>

    Joined:
    May 6, 2003
    Messages:
    2,294
    Likes Received:
    0
    Baptists don't handle snakes, we kill 'em. Dogs, now, that's different. A big, smart, "woofer" (that's a large dog that goes "woof" rather than a little rat dog that is a "tweeter" and goes "yip yip yip") can be a friend that'll beat any human friend!

    Mioque, to understand us, you'd have to live amongst us for awhile. Our city folks don't understand redneck (or blue collar) America any more than someone from the Netherlands does.

    By the way, who was Rien Poortvliet? Was he a race car driver? They don't have NASCAR in Europe, do they?
     
Loading...