Heart Hardened by Sin

Brother, I will point you to Hebrews 6, 10, 11, and Hebrews 12 at first. I will do something I usually warn people against, try to insert yourself as if you were part of the church being talked to. See if there are any parallels to your story, any comfort for your situation.

The sign something good is afoot on your end is that you are here asking at all. It seems the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. If you are here out of fear, good! Your Father in heaven is disciplining you like a little child in need of correction. He loves you.

I need to say that if you are emotionally numb for long stretches for a reason you cannot explain, then it may be an illness. You will want to check with a psychiatrist to make sure it is not.

I have a story a little like yours, I will need a little more time to assemble a full response.

 

Scarlett makes a good point, your feelings are not trustworthy at all times. If you are still holding faith in God, want to repent, and scared of abandoning God, then good! Let the reality of the situation according to the facts inform you instead of your feelings.

 

What do you mean by your heart? Are you referring to your emotions and passions or something else?

 

@Tyler,

If I may, I am going to bring somethings to mind. Much of it may well be what you are very aware of.

James wrote, ". . . For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body. . . ." -- James 3:2.

Now that brings to mind something Jesus instructed, ". . . for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. . . ." -- Matthew 12:34.

And that brings to mind a Proverb, Preverbs 16:3, "Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established." Now for me this is the hardest part. Not the doing this so much, but remebering to do this with everything I do. Especpally all the little things.

One more thing God promises, ". . . If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. . . ." -- 1 John 1:9.

These are the main passages which work for me.

Yes, there are other Scriptures that can be put to use too.
Psalms 119:11.
Matthew 4:4.
Philippians 4:8.

 

Just know that He disciplines you and you are thus one of His beloved children He is conforming to Jesus Christ. You are not alone with a calloused conscience. I will say more when available, since I had a calloused conscience too 3.5 years ago.

 

The only thing I can offer as a possibility is to pray to God honestly about how you feel.

Read your Bible as you can, but don't let that become a source of feelings of inadequacy in terms of how much you should read or what you should study, etc. What I mean by that primarily is to avoid allowing your lack of desire become another point of concern over which to ruminate. Instead, focus more on the prayer.

I'm reminded of Romans 8:26-27 (ESV): "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." If you don't read anything else in the Bible, dwell on these verses for a little while.

Specifically pray for the Holy Spirit to help you pray, to give you the desire to pray, and to intercede for you in those matters where you don't know what to say or where to start. Right now it may feel like you don't know what to say or where to start on ANY matter...which is perhaps where you need to be right now.

Strip away any focus on trying to make sure you do the right things as if they will put you on the right path. Right things flow out of a right heart, not the other way around--and God is the only one who can make your heart right.

 

Hi Bro Tyler,

And I say that purposefully as you are my Brother, and you are one of Christs sheep, and your posts seems to support that. I am at work, but am under immense conviction from the Holy Spirit to post this. I'm not sure if it's for you or someone else.

Let me begin by saying you have the exact problem I do when it comes to sexual sin, although arguably I was worse off, that I've also felt the emptiness of what seems to be the Holy Spirit leaving, and I experienced having completely no desire for anything related to God. This may be a long post.

If you're anything like me you know that the software, such as Covenant Eyes, doesn't stop you, people being home doesnt stop you, your own guilt which you feel in the beginning and are eventually numb to by the end (as you rightly point out) doesn't stop you, accountability partners dont stop you because you can always lie by omission, and eventually you feel like a disgusting slug and that's when it gets worse.

At that point you ride what I call the "corkscrew" as you slowly circle down. Just like with drugs the initial high wears off and you have to go for worse and worse filth that unless you've been there you can't imagine. Eventually I, like you, realized how far down the "corkscrew" I was and felt exactly like you did now.

You have to pray to God to start recovery. Nothing fancy, Jesus will intercede as will your grieving soul. If you want to go back to Him, tell Him. The fact that you care what God thinks is evidence of the Holy Spirit not leaving, I had to learn that. He is within you, but you've piled so much trash on Him that He cannot speak. Ask God to remove that trash so you can hear Him again.

Your computer needs to be gone. Give a Brother your power cord. Start asking God to help you reach 1 clean day. Then build on it and ask for 2 clean days, etc. Get involved in the Church again, during sermons ask God to teach you. Ask for forgiveness and He will forgive. The more clean days under your belt, the more your old hunger for Godly things return.

The more clean days you have the less the temptation is, but I personally think it will always remain in our case. If you fall after a streak of clean days, repent asap and start again. Remember proverbs 24:16. Crack open that Bible and look it up . A few clean days is a victory even if you fall again. Dont get discouraged. Keep asking God to help. Keep getting up. Do not stop.

The images will stay in your mind. They will flash up randomly, and they are difficult to unsee. Whenever it happens, stop, pray, repent, mentally cage that thought and reject it. Let God know it doesn't glorify Him, you know it, and you need His help to purify you. Stay busy, get a hobby that tires you out and you wont have energy or time for this kind of sin.

If you have a Christian wife involve her in this war. You have to. Let her know you struggle with sexual sin. Explain it's not her fault as she will initially blame herself.

So get up soldier, get that Spiritual Armor on, let God know you agree your actions are filthy, let Him know you want to change. Then start fighting. It is a long, hard, constant fight, but God will provide strength, Grace and reinforcements.

You're not gone, you're not too far away, the gross things you and I have seen will not scare Jesus away. He's waiting for you to come home. Take that first step and just ask Him to forgive, help and to let the Holy Spirit speak again.

 

No, you are not given up on or abandoned. I want to echo what Scarlett and Steven have said.
While I cannot speak to any mental illness etc....that may have something to do with it. Their experiences may be helpful.
But, the reality is, feelings are simply not trustworthy.
If you draw near to Christ, he will draw near to you. That is a promise that you must accept by faith. Simply believe his word and trust that if you seek him with your whole heart, he that began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. Trust his timing, not how you feel. It really is a faith issue. Were you hardened beyond redemption, you would not be on this board asking these questions.

 

In terms of your questions:
1. I believe yes, but you are not at that point.
2. As you're not yet at this point I wouldn't worry.