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Is Apologizing Always The Right Thing To Do?

Discussion in '2000-02 Archive' started by Jamal5000, Jun 22, 2002.

  1. Jamal5000

    Jamal5000 New Member

    Oct 8, 2001
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    I wonder about this everyone.

    Here's a situation for you. Last night, a friend and I quarrelled because at times she gets emotional about things in our friendship but then withdraws her fellowship with me when I have no idea how I violated her. She keeps using me as an emotional punching bag by taking out her frustration and emotional anger on me when emotional issues come up between us. They never bother me when they come up; I see them as making us closer. Unfortunately, they take a tremendous toll on her. As a result, she tends to treat our friendship like a game: when she feels at a disadvantage, she changes the rules to benefit herself and make herself feel comfortable while simultaneously penalizing me regardless of whether I've done anything wrong or not.

    Like I said, in light of her treatment of me, I had to firmly give her a piece of my mind because I simply cannot rationalize why I still need to endure this abuse and groundless total blame. I must admit that my tough words hurt her, and now I feel guilty about it...but should I apologize...

    Should you apologize to a person when you see them hurt by your rebuke of their sin?

    Should you apologize to a person when you firmly express your honesty with them regarding a mistreatment that she committed against you?

    Are there any appropriate times when you should not give into guilt and apologize to someone?

    J5Grand [​IMG]
  2. Helen

    Helen <img src =/Helen2.gif>

    Aug 29, 2001
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    Certainly apologize. You will both feel better about that.

    BUT, make sure that you repeat the fact that your friendship is much to precious to you for it to be put through the ringer time after time!

    She is clearly very unsure and unstable. A time in her life? Her past history? Product of divorce? So many possibilities, and you probably have a pretty good idea as to why she is so unstable right now. The fact that she is using your stability is a compliment to you, but it is not doing your friendship any good, that's for sure!

    The goal is to get her past this, right? Maybe the two of you can sit down and actually establish some ground rules for when her emotions get the better of her: you will listen for 15 minutes (choose your own rules, I'm just making some off the top of my head suggestions...), and then you will both pray about it. Then you will talk about something else.

    Maybe she needs half an hour! But if you both know what is expected of you in these times, it is going to be much easier to handle in the future -- for her, too. You will be showing her a way out of her emotional quagmires, and she needs to know there IS a way out!

    But yes, apologize for causing pain (but you don't need to apologize for telling the truth about what is happening!). I get the feeling you are both kind of young. If it is any help, you will learn the kind of diplomacy Barnabas here on the board is so excellent at, with age. Yes, there are probably ways you could have said what you said last night without causing the pain, so go ahead and apologize for that part.

    But don't apologize for caring about your friendship enough to not want to risk it!

    Hint: think of an Oreo Cookie if you like. Sandwich your criticism between two compliments and make the crit as sweet as possible!

    Works with your kids, too, when you have them... :D
  3. obstinate

    obstinate New Member

    Jun 21, 2002
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    Does this Friend have to be a Girlfriend? Are you rebuking her sin out of love or out pride?
    Sometimes it is better not to critisize after all look at the beam in your eye before you point out the mote her eye.
    If it a definite moral sin such as promiscutity or drinking then maybe you need to associate yourself with ifferent company. If it something that does not compromise your Christain testimony then maybe you should just pray for your friend.
    Becareful on how judgemental you can become because trust me I am sure you friend can just as easily point out your faults.
    If by all means you offended her then you need to apologize to avoid being a stumbling block.

    I hope this helps. this is what I would do. I am sure others would do different.
  4. MissAbbyIFBaptist

    MissAbbyIFBaptist <img src=/3374.jpg>

    May 3, 2002
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    Oh, it always drives me crazy to have someone angrey at me!! I know how you feel, because I have a big mouth and a temper to go with it! I find myself apologizing a lot! The only time I refuse to apolgize is when it comes to something biblical. However, at times we can say things as honestly as possible, but we forget to use tact. Just exploding at someone, and yelling at the top of your lungs all that has gone wrong WILL NOT work. {i ought to know, cause I have tried that method!} I don't know what the argument is about, or how you and her handeled it. I could be completely off here. I don't know.
    My best experiance would be to calmly explain how you feel about the problem, and see if there is some way to work it out. [​IMG]
    Hope this helps.
    In our Saviour,
  5. Ernie Brazee

    Ernie Brazee <img src ="/ernie.JPG">

    Aug 17, 2001
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    When involved in an heated argument I am always right! .........but after cooling down and rethinking the situation I always, always see where I was wrong and then must sheepishly apologize.
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
  6. DocCas

    DocCas New Member

    Jul 24, 2000
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    When involved in an heated argument I am always right! .........but after cooling down and rethinking the situation I, uh, well, I am still right! :D :D :D
  7. OSAS

    OSAS Member

    Apr 29, 2002
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    Ahhh Yes! But what happens when you are struggling over something with yourself?

  8. Optional

    Optional New Member

    Oct 22, 2001
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    I've never seen a sincere apology hurt anyone - especially the one apologizing. Pride, however, will drive a wedge quicker than anything.
    Explain why you blew up and that you felt wronged and sincerely apologize.
    Continual emotional abuse cannot be tolerated. When she starts using you as a punching bag, ask her to get down and pray with you. If she rebels against this...it may be time to cut her loose for her and your own good.