Jesus Orders: Cease and Desist

I know I'm going to get it for this but given the recent comments over Mel Gibson's "The Passion", different works of art and the ongoing hysteria in the music ministry forums, I thought it was appropriate:

By Aaron Alford
Issue #190, November/December 2003
(The Door News Service) – In an unexpected press conference earlier this week, the Lord Jesus, formerly of Bethlehem, asked charismatic and evangelical Christians everywhere to stop making art.

When asked why, the Son of the Almighty God responded simply, "It makes Me cry. Many charismatics are under the impression that I want them to be involved in creating vibrant, meaningful works that express My heart. While this call was given to the Church at large, it was never meant to include those of the charismatic persuasion. I'm sorry if there was any confusion on this very important point.

"Creating art should really be left to the Catholics. That's the way it has been done for centuries, and We have been blessed with the Sistine Chapel, Handel's Messiah, Dante's Inferno, heck, I even liked The Last Temptation of Christ. Willem Dafoe. He's intense."

Jesus assured the reporting press that this decision was not a hasty one, and that He had been watching the problem develop for several years.

"I first started to notice charismatics creating art in the late '60s when some ladies at a Pentecostal assembly in Encino made some banners to hang in their sanctuary," Jesus recalled. "The color choices were garish, and they over-estimated the effect of gold lamé, but I thought their hearts were in a good place, so I let it go. Sadly, the tradition they began continues to this day in churches across North America and the world.

"There was a brief time of hope in the early '70s, with the whole Jesus Movement thing. I mean, the music was great! It was about this time, however, that those rapture movies started getting made... the ones without Kirk Cameron. The Thief in the Night flicks. Again, while the direction, acting, production design, lighting, costuming, heck – even the on-set catering – was sub-par, I kinda liked the sincerity inherent in the attempt. They just wanted folks to know Me.

"However, the whole 'Oh, his heart's in the right place' thing can only take My all-sovereign mercy so far. I mean, this is the Alpha and Omega these folks are trying to represent here. The Judas Project is one thing, but Left Behind? Let's get serious. They made a rapture movie without even mentioning Jesus! I get more credit in an episode of Touched By An Angel!"

When asked if this "cease and desist" order applied to musicians as well, the Nazarene responded, "For now, I will continue to let evangelicals make music. We did get Keith Green, after all.

"I am giving some very strict guidelines for worship music, however. For example, when writing a new song, there shall be no further use of the words 'river,' 'fire,' 'mighty,' 'dancing' and especially not 'a-dancing.'

"This is no free ticket, and Carman, I'm watching you, bud. I've also given very specific instructions that no Christian charismatic musical artist should attempt acting and/or directing. God forbid We should end up with a Carman movie."

When one reporter pointed out that Carman had made the boxing "drama" The Champion, the Lord responded, "He did what? Oh, it's clobberin' time now!"

The conference ended a few minutes later, with the Prince of Peace adding that if the current trend of charismatics making art continued, He would consider granting the Catholic church exclusive rights to the name, image, and likeness of the Almighty.

"I feel it's a way of honoring My true fans, the ones who expect a certain level of quality and thoughtfulness when they see something with My Name attached to it."

Representatives at Carman's office in Tulsa, now only a smoking crater in the ground, could not be reached for comment.

 

I thought you'd like that.