Marrieds, I need your thoughts

Basically I buy what I want , when I want. He never questions me. He has no idea how much money we have, or what it takes to support us monthly. I also earn some of our money with my dolls. I also am the skin flint, penny pincher here. But when we need it, we need it.

 

my husband and I, now, do our finances together each month. For a time it was quite a point of contention for us. He wanted to spend, and I said we didn't have it, then I would want to spend, and he would say no. It got quite confusing, and he got credit cards and maxed those out so he could spend. ( that ticked me off) When we started with some of our current financial difficulties( due partly to credit cards) I forced him to look at our finances and he finally realized he was part of the problem. I still have to remind him at times that the kids have to come first, since they are the ones who seem to need new clothes and more food than he and I, but he has come around quite a bit.
One thing I will give him credit for..he has never completely blamed me for our problems, and he doesn't vent at me. He goes out of the house and slams around outside for awhile.

 

Hi Gina.

Aside from me being female, my husband and I are the original odd couple. He's Felix and I'm Oscar! No joke. He's Mr organized and me.....well let's just say I'm organizationally challenged. His side of the closet is neat and tidy with shoes lined up just right. My side looks like a bomb just went off. (Don't get me wrong though, I do clean house, I'm just not a neat freak. LOL)

Needless to say, he manages the money and bills or we'd be in trouble.

Over the years, he's learned to relax a bit and I have learned to keep things neater. We still don't meet quite in the middle, but we might get there after the kids grow up. Anyway, because we don't meet in the middle yet, he does occasionally get frustrated (don't we all?) and I can tell this by him grabbing stuff that's laying around and throwing it in the trash. LOL I usually just stay out of his way at such times and if he throws out something I think should be kept, I calmly remove it from the trash and put it away somewhere (which is what he wanted done with it in the first place ). He's not vocal with his frustration though, so this is how he vents.

We are both pretty thrifty with money. We did have problems and disagreements though a few years ago until we read a really good book on how to structure our spending. I think the womans name that wrote it was Mary Hunt? She started the tightwad gazette (I think it's called that). I say we structured our spending because it's not really just a budget. We sat down together and figured out what we needed to spend on each catagory (based on our past averages), from all the usual stuff like tithe, utilities, rent, groceries, etc. but also including things like clothing, haircuts, entertainment, car maintenance and so on.

It made things much smoother because most all of our expenses were planned for. So when the kids needed shoes or coats, I just looked at what we had alloted for that purpose and that's what I used. No more surprises for him, and no more haggling for me.

Well, sorry this was so long. I hope it helps a bit, and you will be in my prayers.

 

Two words lead to marital bliss and harmony.......Yes dear!

More than fifty years and it works everytime.

I will say this, however, the number one problem in most marriages has to do with finances. This seems to be the stepping stone to other problems that creep in. Credit is far too easy these days, and income so short. I read somewhere that the average AMerican has 7 credit cards maxed out. This is not a good sign. When you get behind financially, everything else is magnified tenfold and tapping a fork on the dinnerplate becomes a point of aggravation and leads to short tempers and outbursts. This is my experience from a lifetime of marital counselling.

There is an old saying, "Don't sweat the little things." I think that holds water to-day.

Cheers,

Jim

 

From the very beginning of our marriage, money was never his or hers, it was ours. It was not the end all, but the means to that end. Since we co-equals in raising a family, we were equally responsible in our spending. We never spent money without consultion.

Mind all your pennies together and you will find life more bearable. Again, I say, sit down and establish a fiscal policy and all the little things that escalated will fall into line.

Cheers,

Jim

 

My $.02 is both spouses whould be aware of the financial situation, even if only one of them handles the finances. This is one of those areas where "submission" shouldn't be a license to be ignorant.

My ex would refuse to know what the finances were, and as a result would often overdraw us on our checking account.

Now there's nothing wrong with frivolus spending, so long it's in your budget. But the budget should neither be kept a secret, nor should it be ignored.

Finances continually ranks high among marital stress. It's a pity, because it's something that can be easily overcome.

 

So you're a trash picker too! I'm not the only one!

After reading your last post, I really think the main problem isn't necessarily money, but his being self centered in the spending of it. I'm not trying to villify him or put all of the blame on him. He just sounds a bit stingy. It seems like he needs to realize that the needs of his family are equally as important as his own.

Is he saved Gina? Have you both sought godly counsel? Is he open and willing to counseling? If he isn't, it's going to be more difficult to work things out. Difficult, but not impossible.

 

Best thing I ever heard on this topic was on - of all things - "According to Jim," that new-ish sitcom with Jim Belushi. He basically said the same thing to his wife, and she told him (this is the best part), "You're right. You do make the money. But we both earn it."

[/single person's input ]

 

My husband is like that too although I hate to admit it. He doesn't think it's his money, at least that's what he says. But, he gets a little petulant when I buy things he doesn't think we need. He also gets mad when the cupboards and fridge aren't completely stocked...even when there's less money for groceries that week.

All he has to say is "We need to have a talk" , which means that he is angry about the money situation, and my chest gets tight and I wonder if I can get through it without crying. I never do. He's different when he's angry, and there is no escaping "the talk". My husband's attitude isn't because he's self centered...but he does have control issues. Combine that with an innate stubborness, and being completly right brained...and it can sometimes be unpleasant.

I'm glad to hear that you are considering reconciling. And I really hope that you get this figured out.

And Kelly... I agree with you. That is a good line, and it's true. It all goes into one pot.

Laurenda

 

My wife and I both buy food, clothes and other necessities without discussing it first. I can't remember her buying many things that I would consider wasteful, definately nothing expensive. For other larger purchases we usually discuss it first, but I don't remember many times where we disagreed about an expense.

My wife is an LPN and works as a nurse in a doctor's office. She only makes slightly less than I do, but I don't think I would consider it MY money even if she stayed home. I trust her enough not to question her about everything she buys.

 

Gina, there is something you can try. Total up the clothing expenses (for example) for you and the girls for a year. A full year. Add about $100 for emergencies (paint on a shirt, etc.) and then divide by 12. Show him the figures. Ask if that can be part of the monthly budget.

Do the same for utilities, car expenses (with the current rise in gas in mind), household expenses, and food, at the very least. Show him. Ask if this is something you can plan around. I know rent/mortgage, insurances, taxes, medical premiums, etc. have to be added, but I think you get the idea.

Then, when he saves up or you save up enough money for something special, no need to feel defensive or vent.

A lot of times that venting is from a guilty conscience. If he doesn't have to feel guilty, because the family is already taken care of, then maybe you can both enjoy or celebrate the new purchase together?

 

Gina,
I know you take Blackbird's advise with a "grain of salt"--sometimes you respond and sometimes not--but here is what I'd like to do with your ex-husband--I'd like to take him back behind the tool shed and give him a big ole Cajun "tail-whippin'!" All of that whining and carrying on foolishness is for sissies--the big concern I have is why do you want to be reconciled? I don't get it! Go out and find you a husband who will love you like the Lord Jesus Christ loves His Church! I guarantee the Lord Jesus wouldn't "belly ache" like you described!

Your buddy,
Blackbird

 

Gina:

He's not your husband anymore right???? I'd tell him where to get off and to find someone else to gripe too.

My ex did that for about 2 years and I finally said, "Look I'm not your wife anymore and I'm not your mother, go to someone else with this. I don't want to hear it anymore."

Gina, you aren't resposible to listen to him rant and rave anymore and I think it's just another way he can still reach into your life and try to control you. Don't tolerate it.

 

Gina,
Just my opinion, but I think the question to be asked here is do the two of you still love each other. I have been married for 36 years, and during those years we have worked through some very serious problems. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if you love your ex-husband, and he loves you, there is a foundation there to renew your relationship upon.

 

One thing that helped us overcome problems in our marriage was the realization that love isn't just a feeling...it's a committment. I think that's one reason there are so many divorces these days...the romantic feeling fades, so people just chuck the committment. (Not saying this is true in your case). Having been married for so long, I can testify to the fact that if you are faithful to the committment, the kind of relationship you can move into is far more satisfying than just "romantic love."

 

You speak sense here, Blackbird!
Gina, please don't even think of remarriage to this guy till he changes, demonstrably and long-term!

Karen