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More Mikey's Funnies; THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY

Discussion in 'Jokes & Humor (Clean)' started by Palatka51, Feb 2, 2009.

  1. Palatka51

    Palatka51 New Member

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    THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY

    ~ Duct tape won't fix that.
    ~ We don’t keep firearms in this house.
    ~ Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
    ~ You can't feed that to the dog.
    ~ I thought Graceland was tacky.
    ~ No kids in the back of the pick-up - it's not safe.
    ~ Wrasslin's fake.
    ~ Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
    ~ We’re vegetarians.
    ~ Do you think my hair is too big?
    ~ I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
    ~ Who’s Richard Petty?
    ~ Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
    ~ Deer heads detract from the decor.
    ~ Spitting is such a nasty habit.
    ~ Trim the fat off that steak.
    ~ The tires on that truck are too big.
    ~ Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
    ~ Checkmate.
    ~ She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
    ~ Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
    ~ Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven’t seen.
    ~ I don't have a favorite college team.
    ~ Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
    ~ Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
    ~ Elvis who?

    [forwarded by Steve Sanderson]


    today'sTHOT============================

    I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

    =======================================

    AN OLD FARMER'S ADVICE

    ~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
    ~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
    ~ A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
    ~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
    ~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
    ~ Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
    ~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
    ~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
    ~ You cannot unsay a cruel word.
    ~ Every path has a few puddles.
    ~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
    ~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.
    ~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
    ~ Don't judge folks by their relatives.
    ~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
    ~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
    ~ Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
    ~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
    ~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
    ~ The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
    ~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
    ~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
    ~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
    ~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

    today'sTHOT============================

    I gave up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my underwear.

    =======================================
    PASS IT ON!
    Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com



    ===============================

    http://www.mikeysFunnies.com



    MIKEY'S FUNNIES is a clean humor email list, sent every weekday and is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart:
    http://www.agathongroup.com/
     
  2. NaasPreacher (C4K)

    NaasPreacher (C4K) Well-Known Member

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    From an Alabama boy -


    I loved it! And it is SO true!
     
  3. Jon-Marc

    Jon-Marc New Member

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    Who is Richard Petty?
     
  4. NaasPreacher (C4K)

    NaasPreacher (C4K) Well-Known Member

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    Kyle Petty's dad ;)
     
  5. Carolina Baptist

    Carolina Baptist Active Member

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    A few years ago, I was at work at a small college when I saw a man with a big hat. I told someone "there's somebody that thinks he's Richard Petty". When he got closer I saw that it was Richard Petty. He can't hide.
     
  6. NaasPreacher (C4K)

    NaasPreacher (C4K) Well-Known Member

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    Here's another one

    Please tell us how you do it up north
     
  7. Jon-Marc

    Jon-Marc New Member

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    Who is Kyle Petty?
     
  8. THEOLDMAN

    THEOLDMAN New Member

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    a nascar driver.
     
  9. North Carolina Tentmaker

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    Richard Petty's boy.
     
  10. Carolina Baptist

    Carolina Baptist Active Member

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    You aint from around here are ya
     
  11. NaasPreacher (C4K)

    NaasPreacher (C4K) Well-Known Member

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    And another

    No beans and cornbread, thank you
     
  12. OcalaGator

    OcalaGator New Member

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    " I can't wait to retire and go North, where it's good and cold, all winter."

    Oh another thing, you never have to ask them how they did something up there. They seem to think no one south of the Ohio River is smart enough to do ANYTHING, without their reminders of "When I lived in (fill in the blank), we allways (fill in the advice).
     
  13. Revmitchell

    Revmitchell Well-Known Member
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    Yankee.................
     
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