More Mikey's Funnies; THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERNER SAY

~ Duct tape won't fix that.
~ We don’t keep firearms in this house.
~ Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
~ You can't feed that to the dog.
~ I thought Graceland was tacky.
~ No kids in the back of the pick-up - it's not safe.
~ Wrasslin's fake.
~ Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
~ We’re vegetarians.
~ Do you think my hair is too big?
~ I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
~ Who’s Richard Petty?
~ Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
~ Deer heads detract from the decor.
~ Spitting is such a nasty habit.
~ Trim the fat off that steak.
~ The tires on that truck are too big.
~ Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
~ Checkmate.
~ She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
~ Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
~ Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven’t seen.
~ I don't have a favorite college team.
~ Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
~ Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
~ Elvis who?

[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]


today'sTHOT============================

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

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AN OLD FARMER'S ADVICE

~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
~ A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
~ Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
~ You cannot unsay a cruel word.
~ Every path has a few puddles.
~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.
~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
~ Don't judge folks by their relatives.
~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
~ Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
~ The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

today'sTHOT============================

I gave up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my underwear.

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