My rant on singles groups

Here are my experiences with singles groups:

1) In a large church in a large North Carolina metropolitan area, I was involved with the singles for six months. In some ways that was a blessing as I made friends with whom I could hang out as I started a new phase in my life--having just gone through an ugly experience where the woman I was engaged to angrily broke off our engagement. I also took a road trip with this group of singles and went to a couple of social activities with them like baseball games. I also was in a small-group Bible study which was a very meaningful experience. However, there were its drawbacks. At Sunday school, I often felt isolated. Plus there would be many weeks where I would meet new singles and become very attracted to them; but the next week when I talked to these people they acted like they didn't know me.

2) After flunking out of graduate school at a reputable Southern university, I moved to a Tennessee community of approx 60,000 and joined a large congregation which was close to the Christian college where I resumed my graduate studies. I think, even to this date, that the only reason I went to that church in the first place was because a guy I had worked with many summers before at Ridgecrest was there. I was soon turned off by the people in the singles group (which had a full-time staff minister overseeing everything). They had a lot of organized activities (road trips, mission projects, etc) that cost alot of money, but the minister in charge of the group always told us not to let money be a factor... . I even felt bad about asking the minister to pay for my dinner at a restaurant we went to in Kentucky. But at the time I was going through a very rough time as I had flunked out of grad school and had a hard time making ends meet due to the lack of well-paying jobs in that community. I would get laughed at by singles in the group when I told them of my plight. And they always went out to eat at expensive restaurants where I couldn't even afford to order an appetizer. This especially hurt me, as I was starting to receive food stamps. Needelss to say, a month after moving my letter to that church, I was gone.

 

There is much good to being single. Paul was single (perhaps having been divorced - he was a Pharisee, which meant that he HAD to have been married). Some people are called to be single, as we read in I Corinthians.

That said, I would say that going to a church to find a woman or a man to connect with to take the next step is outside the boundaries of Scripture. A church's role is to evangelize the lost and edify the believer, and more than one single's group has been torn apart because of relationships within that group that dissolved.

Until a person can be complete apart from a spouse, he or she will never be complete with a spouse. As Glen said, (who is COMPLETELY right, I think), the only person that can fit that emptiness is Jesus Christ, and until we can trust in Him completely, no matter of church hopping with satisfy, and no type of single's group will satisfy.

I am looking for the day when single's ministries will be focused on discipleship and the individuals becoming like Christ - when they move beyond the need to marry off and realize their need to share the gospel with the world. I firmly believe that if those are the priorities of a single person, then God will give them the life that He wants them to have.

SEC, 25 years old, single man.

 

Interesting thread! I'd like to make a number of comments as someone who is married for the second time at age 34 having got divorced at age 29 and been a Christian since age 16:-

1. Firstly, Baptist and Protestant churches are generally biased towards marriage and the emphasis tends to be on families, at the expense of singles. In part this is both a good thing as marriage is the bedrock of society and it was also a correct response historically to the erroneous Catholic emphasis on celibacy, but I think in many respects, contrasted with the NT (particularly Paul's teaching),the pendulum has swung too far against celibacy in most Protestant churches. I remember when I was recently divorced how the term 'Family Service' used to stick in my gullet and how I would often stay away from such services as they were all-too painful reminders of what I had lost.

2. I'm not convinced that singles groups are a solution to the problem (they can be sometimes but tend to only work when they are not called singles groups but operate more as 20s and 30s groups for social activities where many- but crucially not all - in the group are single). Rather, the whole church needs to recognise that we are made up of both singled and married, with or without children, and that even half of those who are married will one day be single again through divorce or more likely the death of the spouse, and start operating as a real family to each other, honouring the celibate life as much as the married.

3. Flowing from #2 above, there is a need to recognise that not all singles are the same anymore than there is such a thing as a 'typical marriage'. Some, like I was, are divorced and hurting badly and are more of a 'pastoral issue' (which can need one-on-one counselling, chats with the elders/ pastor or simply,as was the case mainly with me, being invited to Sunday lunch by various families on a semi-regular basis! Back to the whole church being in relationship with one another regardless of status....), some are long-term single and are unhappy with that which again is something of a pastoral point, some are single and you can tell why (!), some are widowed, a few (but this is most unusual in my experience and beware suspecting this until you really know) may have homosexual tendencies and are celibate with it to be obedient to Scripture (in which case the church really does need to be their family) and some are short- or long-term single and are quite happy with that. In all cases the church needs to be their family.

4. Re Joseph's question: I see nothing wrong with the idea of fellowship and relatioships- that's perfectly Biblical - see eg: Acts 2:42, Hebrews 10:24-25 and of course Paul's discourse on the Body in I Cor 12-13. If we can't do that as the Church then we might as well pack up and go home.

Yours in Christ

Matt

 

Matt, are you comfortable with singles who take fellowship to the nth degree to the point where they select a church based mainly on the ability and possibility of finding a mate?

 

I am past 40, never married, and have been involved in Christian Singles church groups and larger bases of activities [state conferences, Glorieta Labor Day conferences (+ 1 at Ridgecrest)] for many years, and I think I can see just about everyone's views who has posted on this. And with all my 'involvement' and fluctuating burnout, I do not have the inclination to write alot about my overall views.

The only thing that has really gotten a wave of interest for me here is the rather disguised subtopic here, "that is/is not what the church is for." A long time ago, I went along with a long-time pastor who said the church is to praise the Lord, for it's hard for a believer to think otherwise about that. But he always continued his explanation with "not primarily for fellowship, or friendship, or even to 'win the lost.'"

Watch it there! While praise makes up a large essential element of what the church is for, we could do that all the more and all the better if this world ended and we are into the next world. So there is some reason or reasons we are here in this far-from-perfect situation and still called to assemble ourselves together, to share our gifts and talents, to know each other and what needs we can meet. All I have to say about singles' groups in regard to this is that if children's groups, youth groups, 'golden agers' groups and others, especially within a medium-to-large church are helpful in meeting these needs because of "like-mindedness" of those involved based on situation in life-- then single adult groups should be considered the same way.

The church is not for leisure activities, annual picnics, finding a business associate, beginning a 'relationship,' exchanging news, talking about hobbies, forming a Thursday morning breakfast club..... but if these things occur, largely as a result of meeting people in the classe or department who relate to your own stage or situation in life, this meets various needs with godliness-- at least a form thereof-- included, which are likely to be done entirely on a secular basis otherwise. While that is not necessarily much, at least it's something.

 

To Scott:no. There is nothing wrong with singles being pro-active and seeking out a church where they are more likely to find a mate (eg: if your home church is full of old or married people then it COULD pay to find another church - but see my caveat in the para below), but I would have a problem if that was the only or even the main criterion for joining a church - the main criteria should be doctrinal purity, preaching the Gospel etc and NOT whether they've got attractive singles! Eg a Baptist boy who joins the local Catholic church because it has more attractive girls has totally lost the plot.

BUT, I would even question to what extent 'church-hopping' is a valid activity for the committed Christian looking for a mate, particularly in view of the plethora of Christian dating agencies especially on-line - surely this is a better and more church-committe way of being pro-active...?

Yours in Christ

Matt

 

XW, the end result is that we should all be striving to become like Christ. This is something we can do with or without another person. It is only when we rest in the presence of God that we find ourselves not worrying about finding a spouse. We just trust God in that area.

As for me, literally the week when I said, "I quit. I'm tired of looking and looking. I'm going to just sit back and trust God," that Saturday, through providence, I met the woman that I am going to marry in less than two months. That happened over two years ago, but God supernaturally worked in that area, I believe. It wasn't until I was finding my completeness in Him that I found the one God had in mind for me.

I think church hopping by and large is a symptom of a deeper sickness, no matter the reason behind it. It's one thing to leave a church because of a doctrinal issue. To leave it because you don't think you'll find a wife is immature, I think. It says that you don't trust God. Maybe he's placed you in a certain church for a reason. Don't mess up what God has already planned, no matter the reason.

 

Whew! No, really, tell us what you really think!!!

Actually, I can relate in a small way. Several years ago, when I divorced, I attended the singles group in my church (my church has a membership of about 10k). But it was a small, ragtag group, withthe people mostly of near retirement age. It seems that all the singles my own age were involved in other groups in the church, so I got involved in some other groups. I joined the choir for a while (lots of singles there), as well as a few other groups. I eventually found a bible study with folks in my age group and similar experiences. I stayed with them until recently, when other commitments required me to leave, afterwhich I joined a smaller home bible study comprising of, well, computer sci-fi geeks in their mid 30's, just like me .

Interestingly, my cousin's RCA church, which has a membership of about 15k, has a very active singles ministry, with plenty of people my own age. I did end up going there for a few, but preferred to seek support in my own church first.

 

XW - just a thought - maybe you are "looking for love in all the wrong places?"

And you said, "And I've never felt that I have been placed in any particular church for any reason." Then, perhaps, you haven't found the church that God wants you. When I was in my old city, I found the church that God wanted me to be at - no question about it. It was an amazing church, and I was able to commit to it 100%. I was never out looking for a better deal. When I moved to where I am now, I found the church that God called me to be a member of.

You also said, "And if I wanted to devote my entire life 100% to the ministry why would I do it in a singles group in lieu of the atmosphere that exists in a large number of them?" Perhaps one of the reasons that singles groups seem the way they do is because you're not investing 100% of your life to the church's ministry. I hate to seem harsh, but it just seems that you are relying upon your own understanding.

And be careful about the huge age gap between you and the person you are looking for. There is a whole lot of difference between a man in his 30's and girls in the 18-25 range. Those who are willing to commit to marriage will almost always opt for people their own age. I've honestly never known a person younger than 25 who has married a man over 30, and I've worked with the 18-24 age group since 1996.

 

There are huge differences between generations in the things they value and the way they communicate.

If people will spend their time discipling people of the same sex they will find there is plenty to do. They will also see those who are doing the same thing. They will see those who are involved in ministry and not just sitting on the sidelines waiting.

 

Got any coffeehouses in your area? Many areas have Christian hang-out places such as that. You can find someone, and it doesn't have to be in church.

Perhaps because you're looking at churches with the wrong priorities?

Even more of a reason to not church hop. How many singles groups are you bringing contention to one way or another. It doesn't matter whose fault it is - we are instructed not to be stumbling blocks, and these women, whether you like it or not, are your brothers and sisters.

Where in the world do you live? From what I've seen in Florida and in Birmingham, it is the girls between 18-25 who end up more egocentric than those women who are older.

So now we get to the meat of the matter. Attraction comes from spending time with a person - that is the kind of attraction that lasts a lifetime. I fear that due to what you are looking for in a woman that you will get tired or bored or disillusioned with the 20-year old becomes 35 or 40.

As a minister to college students, I would offer strong caution to girls who would date someone your age. I just would. In fact, I did a couple of months ago, she didn't listen, and got burned a few weeks later. I would be very wary of a 35 year old man who was hanging around a bunch of 21-year-olds.

You say that a lot. It's not about spending the rest of your life with the person. It's not about investing your life or beginning a family. More than once, you've drawn attention to the fact that you are looking for someone that you can sleep with. Even in the context of "after marriage," that still shows something that I think is unhealthy.

And there you go again.

It's more than just your life. There are other people who can be hurt through this. Relationships that don't work leave 21-year-old girls in a lot of pain. The girl you are dating is STILL required to honor her parents, and if they object to the relationship, she is going to have to choose between honoring them or dating you. Church groups can really be divided over experiences like this. You are part of the body of Christ, and there are many, many more parts than just yourself.

And you've nailed the #1 problem with single's groups. Egocentrism.

 

I know of a church that ceased to have older singles groups. What they did was to mix singles and healthy maried couples together in Bible studies. They had one couple for each older single. It proved to be quite healthy and healing for many of those older singles who had been divorced.

 

Xingyi Warrior;

Take a look at how many times in your postings you mentioned "I" or Me".

You mentioned, "I've done this probably as much or possibly even more than you have."

Your statement is a clear indication of who your God is.