One-Liners Please

'How is the quickest way to get a Mi State Grad Spartan off your front porch?"

Answer, pay him for the pizza delivery!

 

I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

They told me I was gullible.... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height.... which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

The speed of time is one second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Can a person choke to death on a Life Saver?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Is there anything easier done than said?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

Why are things typed UP but written DOWN?

Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

What do people in China call their good dinner plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If a robber tried to rob a Disco Club and yelled, "Everybody get down", what would happen?

Why does 'sleeping bag' and 'nap sack' mean two different things?

Does a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?

Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?

When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Can you get cornered in a round room?

Why do you play at a recital, but recite at a play?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help groups?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

 

EPH 4:23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;

 

I love one-liners. It's good to get away on occasion. In fact, I still like to watch The Three Stooges. Old Road Runner Cartoons. Bugs Bunny. Daffy Duck. A lot of fun and brings back a lot of memories.

 

Alcohol consumed in sufficient quantities produces all the effects of intoxication.

I can resist anything but temptation.

HankD

 

If soup is on your menu tonight... wipe it off so you can read.

Humpty Dumpty is happy with his great fall... it sure beats his miserable summer.

The comedian of the party's mouth got dry and then he felt like everyone else and found out the punch line wasn't worth waiting for.

 

Why do we park in a driveway, but drive on a parkway?

What is the speed of dark?

 

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

 

If God wanted us to use the metric system, why did Jesus have 12 apostles?

I’m not worried about losing my job to a computer. They’ve yet to invent a machine that does absolutely nothing.

For every complex mathematical problem, there is a simple and elegant solution that is completely wrong.

In a graph, the thickness of the curve is inversely proportional to the reliability of the data.

Statistics are like a bikini — what they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

 

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 

Most riots can be broken up by throwing a job application in the middle of the offenders.

 

What is the problem with people who ask sarcastic rhetorical questions?

 

I've always loved Yogi Berra, he had many great one liners:

Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded.

If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

If people don't want to come to the ballpark, how are you going to stop them?

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

You can observe a lot by watching.

Lady to Yogi- Yogi, you look really cool tonight.
Yogi to Lady- You don't look so hot yourself. (true story)

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours.

You've got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, 'cause you might not get there.

The thing that was amazing about Yogi is that he sincerely meant what he said, he was the best.

 

You spend the 1st 2 years of a childs life teaching them to walk and talk.

Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.
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People ask me why my marriage is so good. I tell them my wife and I go out twice a week for a candle light dinner and a movie. She goes on tuesdays, and I go on thursdays.
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Two men walked into a bar. You would have thought the 2nd guy would have seen it.
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What did the snail say when he was on the turtles back? WEEEEEEEEE!
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My short term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

 

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

Age is like cheap underwear- it creeps up on you.

 

My wife wore white to our wedding so that the dishwasher would match the stove and fridge.

He was a modest little person with much to be modest about.

He can compress more words into the smallest of ideas than any other man I know.

I feel so miserable without you that it is almost like having you here.

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; some whenever they go.

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination.

He has Van Gough's ear for music.

You have a such stunningly superficial knowledge of what went on it’s almost embarrassing to listen to you.

We know what you are: now we're just haggling over the price.

He had delusions of adequacy.