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Talking Electronic Scales

Discussion in 'Jokes & Humor (Clean)' started by DocTrinsoGrace, Sep 14, 2013.

  1. DocTrinsoGrace

    DocTrinsoGrace New Member

    Feb 3, 2005
    Likes Received:
    Roman Catholic talking scales: “For an Indulgence of $50, your weight gain will be absolved…”

    Lutheran talking scales: ”There are at least 95 things you should not have eaten this week…”

    Southern Baptist talking scales: “Raise your hand if you know deep down in your heart that you should not have eaten those pop-tarts this week and if you really mean it, you will be saved from weight gain…”

    Freewill Baptist talking scales: “Last week you gained weight and this week you lost it again…”

    Reformed Baptist talking scales: “Our scales were calibrated in AD70 and if your weight is not what you expected, it is because you have been listening to those heathen Dispensationalists again…”

    Dispensational talking scales: “Don’t get left behind, believe that you can lose that weight and it will suddenly disappear from your thighs in the twinkling of an eye…”

    Word Faith talking scales: “Claim that weight loss in the name of GEE-Zus and you will be slain in the GLO-ry. Now don’t forget to plant your seed money for next week…”

    Emergent talking scales: “Numbers are so confusing. We’re not sure exactly what your current weight is but be assured that all weights are acceptable before Him or Her, if there is a God at all. Let’s have a conversation about your weight after the praise band cranks out a few secular songs at 120 decibels…”

    Seeker Sensitive talking scales: “Just buy my book in the lobby and follow these 4 steps to finding your purpose. Your weight will be your best weight now…”

    From Truthinator Blog.
  2. InTheLight

    InTheLight Well-Known Member
    Site Supporter

    Dec 17, 2010
    Likes Received:
    Pretty good.

    Calvinist scale: You were meant to be this exact weight from before the foundation of the world.

    Methodist scale: If you go and do five good deeds for your fellow man you might not lose pounds but your soul's burden will be lighter.

    Pentecostal scale: If you don't lose any weight this week you didn't have enough faith. Repent and buy our prayer cloth.
  3. Thousand Hills

    Thousand Hills Active Member

    Oct 3, 2010
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    Anybody think of a good one for them there "Bapticostals" ?
  4. Mexdeaf

    Mexdeaf New Member

    Mar 14, 2005
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    "If you raise and wave your hands in worship often enough, you will lose weight from the exercise."
  5. thisnumbersdisconnected

    Apr 11, 2013
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    " ... and it will be a sign for you!"