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Ways not to begin a sermon

Discussion in '2003 Archive' started by All about Grace, Aug 15, 2003.

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  1. All about Grace

    All about Grace New Member

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    On another board where I post, there was a comical thread started on "ways not to begin a sermon". I thought it might be fun here as well. I will start with a couple of mine from the other board:

    "Today we will have a living illustration of what Solomon was writing about in his Songs."

    "This morning my second personality will be speaking."

    And for all the KJVO folks, "Our sermon this morning from the old KJV on Balaam's talking ass reminds me of our deacons." :eek:

    Any other suggestions???
     
    #1 All about Grace, Aug 15, 2003
  2. Gunther

    Gunther New Member

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    "A wise man named Rick Warren once said..."
     
    #2 Gunther, Aug 15, 2003
  3. ScottEmerson

    ScottEmerson Active Member

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    "A priest, a pedophile, and a liar walk into a bar. And that was just the first one."
     
    #3 ScottEmerson, Aug 15, 2003
  4. All about Grace

    All about Grace New Member

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    Or better yet, "a church builder & culture impacter named Gunther once said ..."
     
    #4 All about Grace, Aug 15, 2003
  5. Gunther

    Gunther New Member

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    Or better yet, "a church builder & culture impacter named Gunther once said ..." </font>[/QUOTE]SBC, glad you have a sense of humor.
     
    #5 Gunther, Aug 15, 2003
  6. Tim

    Tim New Member

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    How about, "You won't need your Bibles this morning. . ."

    Tim
     
    #6 Tim, Aug 15, 2003
  7. Grasshopper

    Grasshopper Active Member
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    " Did anyone see OZ last night?"
     
    #7 Grasshopper, Aug 15, 2003
  8. HeDied4U

    HeDied4U Well-Known Member
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    "Now if you'll open your 'Politically Correct' bible to..."

    God Bless!!!

    Adam [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
    #8 HeDied4U, Aug 15, 2003
  9. Clint Kritzer

    Clint Kritzer Active Member
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    Or, "In lieu of my many recent indictments..."

    "Today's Scripture comes from Matthew 29..."

    "I need to inform our affiliates that our time will be running quite late today..."

    "The length of today's sermon will be in inverse proportion to the offering..."

    If he's Pentecostal: "Where's the rattler I put in this box?"
     
    #9 Clint Kritzer, Aug 15, 2003
  10. dianetavegia

    dianetavegia Guest

    "Our guest preacher today will be ......."

    This is a LOT funnier if you can read my mind! :D


    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
    Diane
     
    #10 dianetavegia, Aug 15, 2003
  11. dianetavegia

    dianetavegia Guest

    "As my good friend, Benny Hinn would say..... " :eek:
     
    #11 dianetavegia, Aug 15, 2003
  12. MissAbbyIFBaptist

    MissAbbyIFBaptist <img src=/3374.jpg>

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    "This morning I'll be preaching from the book of Isaidso chapters...."

    "Today I want to start and indepth study on speaking in tounges...I'll start us off by giving an example...." **right about there would be the time to RUN!**

    "Folks I want to introduce this morning's speaker who is known to be slightly long winded..."

    "Well as one of my favorite lady preachers would say...."

    "I want to welcome everyone to this morning's ser-....HEY what's that swimming in my glass of water?!"

    "Folks, I just want to apologize for last weeks communion, since my wife made the wafers....and I'm especialy sorry to those of you who got food poisening...."

    "Would you please stand for the reading of the Word of God? Turn to Psalm 119 as I will be reading it in it's entirety!"

    ~Miss Abby
    Proverbs 31:30 [​IMG] ;)
     
    #12 MissAbbyIFBaptist, Aug 15, 2003
  13. rlvaughn

    rlvaughn Well-Known Member
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    "As I have forgotten my outline this morning, I will have to depend on the Lord...Tonight, I will come better prepared."
     
    #13 rlvaughn, Aug 15, 2003
  14. computerjunkie

    computerjunkie New Member

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    "I know the Cowboys kick off at noon, however..."
     
    #14 computerjunkie, Aug 15, 2003
  15. Artimaeus

    Artimaeus Active Member

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    Speaking of closets...
     
    #15 Artimaeus, Aug 15, 2003
  16. massdak

    massdak Active Member
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    today the guest speaker will be dr. massdak
     
    #16 massdak, Aug 15, 2003
  17. Tim

    Tim New Member

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    "Before I begin, ushers, please lock the doors."
     
    #17 Tim, Aug 15, 2003
  18. timothy 1769

    timothy 1769 New Member

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    Today I will be preaching from the book of II Nephi...
     
    #18 timothy 1769, Aug 15, 2003
  19. timothy 1769

    timothy 1769 New Member

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    Please open your bibles to 2 Peter, Chapter 2.

    But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.

    This day is this scripture fulfilled in your ears!
     
    #19 timothy 1769, Aug 15, 2003
  20. go2church

    go2church Active Member
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    I couldn't choose which sermon to use today, so I am going to give them both to you

    Today I am just going to wing it

    Because my wife left me last night I going to be speaking on how to have an effective marriage
     
    #20 go2church, Aug 16, 2003
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