What do you do if you simply cannot trust that God is always acting right?

I notice that whenever I read prayer requests or stories of christians which suffer I don't understand why God doesn't seem to be doing anything and then I ask myself wether God really treats all people the same and wether he never makes mistakes. For example once I heard a story from a pastor who said he was at a christian meeting or conference or something like that and there was a hurting women and a few christians stood around her and tried to cast out demons and all were praying over her but the man said what they were doing was wrong, she needed love and they were only trying to cast out demons out of her. He even tried to tell those christians they were doing the wrong thing but they didn't listen and then the woman killed herself! The next day one of them came to him and admitted that obviously they had not done the right thing.
Great! This woman is dead because these christians were not able to help her. Can you understand this? I mean when christians mess up then this is already sad but why didn't God intervene? If suicide really leads to hell then this woman is in hell now because the christians messed it up! Isn't this shocking? When I hear such things then I really get doubts about wether God doesn't make mistakes, but God doesn't make mistakes, the bible says so and this means that even if you feel like God made a mistake you somehow have to force yourself to agree that he did not make a mistake, but what if it doesn't work? What if you simply cannot convince yourself of it? What if you suffer and blame God for it? Sometimes I am really angry at God cause I don't understand him and I wish I could simply get answers from him but not even getting answers makes me even more angry, he's up there and unreachable and you're simply so totally helpless but then at the same time I don't even dare to admit these thoughts of anger or letting them out because I'm also scared of God and then I try to somehow convince myself that my anger is baseless and that it's all my fault and so on but this simply doesn't work. I mean how pathetic is this? I cannot even get angry but have to control myself because if I got angry I woudl be scared of God getting angry at me. This is really a pathetic existence, isn't it?

Some christians don't seem to mind anything, no matter what happens they simply say they totally trust God but what if you simply can't do this, what if you simply have too many things you don't understand and then there are also these thoughts like "what if God doesn't love everybody?" or "what if God doesn't treat everybody the same" or "how can God allow something like this" or "what if the bible is simply lying" and then it's totally hard to deal with this because on the one hand you're having all these unanswered questions and on the other hand you feel guilty because you doubt God and as addition to this you're also scared because you're questioning God. This means there are 3 problems at once. 1) questions 2) doubts 3) fear = agony.

 

Oh man, what an advice.... Turn off the doubt,fear,fury and anger.
Do you think it's that easy? You make it look like I'm keen on these things but I'm not.
All your replies don't really help me. Telling me how bad it is to doubt God and to get angry at him doesn't help me at all. I thought I had made it clear that I do not want to question God and to get angry at him but sometimes I do and I am unable to do anything against it.

How do you wanna know this? Even if you're right this woman is dead and she was seeking help. If suicide really leads to hell then she's in hell now. Why didn't God help her? I don't understand this. I have heard so many testimonies of people which God helped before they wanted to kill themselves, but why doesn't he do it with all? This is what I don't understand. Why does he help some and others not?

And what about this whole disciple stuff? Do you think that all I have to do is join a church where I go to every Sunday and then everything is fine? lol.
Do you think that if I join a church somebody will come running to me begging me to allow him to "disciple" me? I don't even know what you mean with disciple. Do you think that this person will teach me everything for hours every day or what? This is pretty unrealistic. Those christians which really have a clue are busy with their own stuff and are not interested in spending time with a snoopy guy who wants to know everything. All these ideas are so unrealistic. And even if I had something like a mentor it could also be totally hazardous because what if this person teaches me wrong stuff? Then I get a totally messed up theology. And don't think that I would notice bad teaching. You can explain nearly every kind of doctrine if you've thought through it enough. You can make almost everything appear plausible even the most absurd things.

 

I have nobody to talk to about this. I didn't even know here, I only heard her story. I simply find this thought so rank that this woman was hurting and seeking help from christians and because they messed it up she's dead now. And I also don't understand why God seems to be acting different with different people. I have heard testimonies of christians which God rescued before committing suicide but so many people commit suicide and God doesn't rescue them, why? Why does he only do it for some? Are those the chosen ones and the others would have gone to hell anyway? I just don't understand this and then the doors are open for such thoughts which question God.