Feeling Inadequate

I feel like I've ruined my life. I'm 34 and I have nothing to show for it. My husband has to support me because I don't make enough to support myself. I went to college and in my last course before graduating the instructor shorted me 10 points, which when I added them up they were there, so I took the issue to the school and they wouldn't fix it so I was 10 points short of receiving my degree that I actually had. All of the jobs I was looking at that would help pay my loans now wanted a master's degree. I feel like the biggest failure. I feel like I should be somewhere else doing something different and I've asked the Lord to show me the path if I should be somewhere different. I watch the people around me work less, have no responsibility, and get everything handed to them. I work hard and honest and all I get is more work in return. I took a job with a family friend of my husband and it's turned out to be a nightmare. I thought they were decent, different people from what I saw and when I got to know them and I was wrong. I know they don't know any better because they aren't Christians and my boss has had everything handed to her all her life without having to work for any of it. She likes to meddle and gossip, which I'm not a fan of, and it's gotten to the point that she makes fun of me to the customers (she thinks she's joking but it still hurts) and when I get paid compliments by customers, she usually finds something wrong with something to push me back down again.

My mom was my best friend and I don't have any other girl friends. She died 2 years ago and life has seemed to get harder and harder. I feel like I'm struggling more and more and I'm depressed, sometimes a lot more than others. I have different standards and work ethics and how I perceive things and I feel like no one around me thinks the same way I do. I don't know how to fix my hair outside of a bun, I don't know how to apply makeup without looking like a raccoon, and I don't know how to dress without looking sloppy or frumpy. I'm not comfortable with my body after being bullied about it when I was young. I just don't see myself like others and I feel like it's hard to fit in and make friends. I tried so hard in school to make friends and I acted like something I wasn't and I look back now and I realize how stupid I must've looked and realized that people weren't my friends, they were just making fun of me. So I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

I feel taken advantage of, more often than not, unappreciated, unwanted, empty, alone, useless. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy with myself. My husband makes me happy but it's I'm not happy with me and my life but I don't know how to fix it. Is it just me or does it seem like kindness, honesty, morals, values, decency and respect aren't important to anyone anymore? All people want to do is gossip and stalk people on social media just to cause trouble. Does anyone else ever feel this way or is it just me?

 

I appreciate all of the advice. My husband supports me and I know I wouldn't be able to survive on my on without him and he's the best thing in my life. Our relationship is the only thing that works without drama. We have a deep, genuine love. My family drama is spiraling out of control and everyone is grabbing for a piece of me as they spiral down the drain, my brother on one side and my dad on the other. They both only call me if they need something or if they're complaining about something. Its getting really old and i love my family but im tired bbq of being in the middle of the drama when i dont want to be. I have no family support and my brother has spread his description of how he's the victim around the church to everyone, he likes to embellish things, and now people are asking me what's going on and that's kind of a turn off for me that people in the church want to gossip. Our pastor has asked about things in life and when I try to explain, he just kind of acts like he really doesn't care by changing the subject or just walking away.

I just don't want to waste the time or the life that the Lord gave me. But, I guess by being surrounded by non-believers, I will feel like I don't fit in. I'm just unhappy and I don't know why or how to fix it.

 

The thought of that scares me. Its hard to find a decent baptist church that is that "down home good old gospel" church, the kind where you go to church to go to church, not to be seen or play on your phone the entire time. There is another baptist church close to ours and it's huge and showy. These kinds of churches remind me of the scene from the movie Four Christmases with Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon when they are in the play about the birth of Jesus . I just want to feel genuinely welcomed when I come to church and feel good when I leave. You know when the spirit gets ahold of you and I just don't feel that happening anymore. There's too much of a routine from the same song every week to the same process of the service. I'm 34 and the next older age group in the church is around 50-60 and they seem to be like a gaggle of hens at times and like to chit-chat. There's no discretion, no filter.

I don't know which way is up or even how to begin to explain it all or sort it all out. I don't mean to dump everything here or burden people with my issues and whatnot. I guess, for me, it's hard to comprehend why the people of the church that have been brought up on the same Christian morals and values have such differing and non-Christian views on things but the Bible does warn about conforming to this world and it's ways and I see it all around me, just hard to see it in a church.