I feel so unloved and neglected. I have never felt God's love and I'm really an emtional wreck but other christians talk about how God makes them feel his love! This drags me down! I can pray and cry out to him but nothing happens! Why does he do this to me? I am so angry at God. There is simply no more trust. I have been disappointed so often, always when I tried something it never worked. I am so angry at him I just cannot help.In such moments I feel like freaking out and getting a nervous breakdown. I get so vicious thoughts about cursing God and paying him back. I dont even know if these are my thoughts or not. Why does God not heal me? I am such a wreck but still he doesn't help me. I really cannot handle it. When I hear from other christians how God made them feel his love then it hurts me so much. I am jealous, too. I feel like God loves them more than me. I cannot deal with this. Maybe it's because I have not gotten enough love in real life. I am simply searching for acceptance but I dont feel accepted at all. Other christians speak about how accepted and loved they feel and I dont. I dont even know God. I have no clue how he is and how he reacts. I have no clue wether he loves me or wether he is up there and really angry cause I am angry at him. I dont know anything. I have searched him at conferences and I have always been disappointed. I have tried so much stuff and it never worked but other christians know him and they hear his voice and I dont have anything. I really dont know how to go on.Yesterday I felt really terrible it scared me I even felt suicidal.Would God have allowed me to hurt myself? I dont think he would have done anything. This is not how I imagine a loving father.I really try to get over this but I am so disappointed with God, I dont trust him anymore. I have no more faith that he would help me. He allows me to suffer and does not help me.