Bad Advice Only

Dont pick your nose till after you shower, it will soften your nasal passages and any hard matter that is breaking your nails.


My wife is snoring, HELP!

 

Stick her pinkey fingers into each of her nostrils. Duct tape her elbows to her side so she can't pull them out.


My neighbor's fence line is 10 feet over my property line. He will not move it. What can I do about it?

 

Put another fence right on the property line and start a pig farm in the 10 foot gap.

Anybody know how to get rust off a bathtub?

 

Paint your bathtub a nice rust color and it will blend in.

How do I get skunks out of my crawlspace?

 

Get all your family and house pets to crawl in there with them. Be sure and leave your doors open when doing this. That way, because of the overcrowding, they will then move inside your home which has better accommodations, and where they will also have more room. :thumbsup:

Incidentally, I would have told padredurand to quit cleaning his tools in the tub, and to keep on his clothes while taking a bath, after working on his car and truck.
Might not get rid of the rust, but it wouldn't get any worse, and also you wouldn't notice the rust for the oil and grease.

What can I do to come up with some good problems, so I can get some bad advice??

Ed

 

You could start pastoring a church that voted you in by 51% for to 49% against...


I need to get rid of this snow in my yard so I can start spring cleanup, how to accomplish such a feat?

 

Jack Wax!

I want to help EdSutton have a problem. Should I send my MIL or is that too inhumane?

 

Nope. That would be too inhumane for her to come alone. :laugh: Let me loan her my rollin' pin first.

Now, where can I find a good place to hide from EdSutton?

 

In the open, it's the last place he'll look...

 

That is definitely bad advice. I am the cook so I have my own rolling pin for defense.

BTW, You have no need to hide from me. I'm too lazy to do anything but defend myself with my own rolling pin, in self-preservation. :laugh:

Now here's my own question.

I have one cat who will get on the kitchen stove, quite frequently. How can I solve this one?

Ed

 

Padre,

You need to put that recipe on my site.

Thanks

Mel

 

The next time you fry something in lard, smear the used lard all over the top of the kitchen stove. When kitty jumps on top, it will slide right off.


How do I get little kitty to stop using the corner of the entertainment center as a scratching post?

 

Set the entertainment center outside on the deck. That way the little kitty can't get to it. :thumbs:

Permanently chaining kitty to your leg so he will use your leg as his scratching post also works. :thumbsup:

How do I convince my lovely bride to eat good Southern food like liver and onions, stuffed peppers, country ham, okra, lima beans, collards, country bacon, and black-eyed peas?

Ed

 

Tell her that her mother is not going to visit until she changes her diet to a healthy one.


A store Manager wants me to move a 1000 case Coca Cola display 3 inches to the left that I just got finished building. I want to tell him just what he can do with that 3 inches. How can I do it with out getting fired?
These events do actually take place and I really would like to be tactful.

 

Inform him that people with disabilities need those extra three inches on the other side to have better acess to the display. Surely he doesn't want to discriminate against anyone.

How can I get people at church to stop talking while I'm playing the offeratory on the piano?

 

Bring your bull horn to church and shout, "I have a rolling pin and I know how to use it, so just shut up and get out your wallets and nobody will get hurt!!!"


Every once in a while the deer get into our garden. My wife is a Bamby lover and will not let me make deer stew. How do I convince her that they are getting fat off our hard work and we should be getting fat off their meat?

 

Ok Mel, now I'm ROFLOL!
Since Pocadots doesn't hunt, why don't you shoot Bambi and I'll trade you your venison for some of my beef. Then Mrs. Palatka and I will both be happy and your garden will be fine.

How can I convince my mother-in-law NOT to feed my kids pop and junk right before she sends them back to me after she babysits them? The youngest was bouncing off the walls until after midnight last night because of all the sugar!

 

Feed them pop and junk all the time, yourself. That way, you will get used to it, and not notice the difference when they visit Grandma.


Were can you find healthy food that actually tastes like something you really would like to eat, instead of tasting like something that won't even tempt the rabbits and deer to try?

Ed

 

Welcome to the padre vegetarian diet plan.

1. Corn chips. They are made with corn and cook in VEGETABLE oil. Hello!
2. Chocolate: It is made from the cocoa bean and we all know beans are vegetables.
3. Beef: Cows eat corn, hay and green grass. Guess what? Vegetables!
4. Drink lots of coffee. Coffee BEANS!
5. Put gravy on everything. The fat comes from critters that eat vegetables. You thicken it with flour (a plant) and season it with other plants like garlic, onion, etc.
6. Grits, cheese and butter. Corn and products from a vegetarian animal.
​

Somebody give me an AMEN!

Should I see a doctor for these chest pains or will they go away on their own?

 

Just tighten your shoes and wear your hat with the visor in the back... :thumbs:

At last all that money for med school came in handy...