Boundaries and older children

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by saturneptune, Sep 3, 2007.

  1. saturneptune

    saturneptune
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    My wife and I decided long ago that we were going to help our kids get through a Bachelor's Degree program (4 years), then they were pretty much on their own. One has graduated and has a good job, and the other is a senior. Both will graduate with no student loans. The only debt is what they created.

    It would be interesting to know how far along you all helped your children, when you knew it was time for them to be on their own, and how you set boundaries now.

    Thanks for the responses.
     
  2. mcdirector

    mcdirector
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    We did the same thing. AND we set the limitation for that BA at 4 years. Both made it. The oldest went to seminary afterwards. We did continue to pay for his phone (we set limits on that though and had ulterior motives ;) ). The youngest went to work in the same industry as his father but with a rival company.
     
  3. Benjamin

    Benjamin
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    My children understand that I don’t cease being their father when they turn 18 as I think it is commonly perceived in secular society that it means they are adult – legally, morally, and independently non-obligated to any further instruction by parents because of what a worldly law says, and they agree that when boundaries are established by me after that age that they are to respect them.

    Our plan is that they will start college here, (in this state attending ASU) if at all possible to fulfill their requirements while getting the basics, (while living at home with provided transportation, room and board, and tuition, and will only be expected to make good grades) I feel it is an unnecessary expense and burden to go out of state unless absolutely needed to fulfill their requirements in the majors they choose. I also prefer to keep them close thinking it a good idea for extra guidance and instruction at least in the first couple years until they get their feet wet.

    I don’t know everything about what to expect in this area though as I don’t even have but little high school experience and will have to feel it out as it goes. This will be a challenging and scary experience to undergo that is quickly approaching; and thankfully I have good and obedient children to work with.

    Although I expect them to learn and take responsibility on their own I plan to be an influence by the authority given me by God when I became their parent which doesn’t go away at 18.

    It is odd and even feels somewhat hypocritical to me to have their respect in this matter when I think back to my own childhood consisting of virtually no authority figure or supervision in my life nor do I think I would I have accepted it at the time. Thank God for my grandmother’s unconditional love and guidance in my early 20’s, who to the amazement of all who knew me had a way of lecturing me and setting me straight which I would obediently allow and respect in my love for her. She was coaching me until the day she died, a couple years ago, and she did set boundaries for me as well as goals with the strong loving demeanor she possessed.

    I can only hope and pray to develop into a family patriarch of her caliber to my children, and their children.


     
    #3 Benjamin, Sep 4, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 4, 2007
  4. Circuitrider

    Circuitrider
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    There is a delicate balance between total freedom and the influence of helicopter parents. At age 18 we gave our five children some degree of freedom with their car, riders,, etc as well as allowing them to date for the first time. However as long as they were under our roof and putting their feet under our table, we still maintained some degree of control. :praying:

    All four boys graduated from college and two married before their senior year. Any loans they incurred were done after marriage. Our fifth, a daugher is marrying after two years of college and she is switching to a state university for a degree Maranantha College (WI) does not offer. :type:

    I believe it is important to prepare our children for they day they will be on their own. Some parents provide no support, help or direction and their kids may or may not make it in the real world. We tried to provide measured freedom with responsibility. As our children showed maturity and responsibility we let them have their freedom. When they failed the test we turned down the screws for a while. Each child is different and need to be dealt with individually. One of our children rebelled during the senior year of high school and we had to pull in the strings until things were resolved and behavior was brought back into conformity to our standard. :saint:

    Four of our five are happily married with productive jobs and they all are actively involved with IFB ministries. Our daughter is also active in ministry and will be married this winter. To the glory of God our children are doing great.

    May God bless your efforts with your family!:godisgood:
     
  5. menageriekeeper

    menageriekeeper
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    Well there's plans and then there's reality! :D

    The reality is that student loans are aggravating to repay, but you won't die from it. The reality also is that you'll appreciate you education more if'n you have to work for it. T and I worked and went to school and were married for part of that time. Student loans took care of what we didn't earn and what his parents/grandparents couldn't help us with. (my parents were displeased with me and provided no help at all. this was a GOOD thing!)

    While we plan to continue to feed, cloth and provide transportation for our three, the reality is, we aren't going to go in debt or jeaprodize our retirement for their college education. (same as our parents did for us) If'n they want to go to school outside the university my husband works for (where they will recieve a discount), they better get to making excellent grades and applying for scholarships.

    Whether or not they "make it" in this life does NOT depend on my providing my children with a college education. It might be nice but it isn't essential.
     
  6. saturneptune

    saturneptune
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    I may not have made that clear. We did not go into debt. Basically, we live on my check and my wife's goes for college, plus we had some saved.
     
  7. menageriekeeper

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    Well, I won't be working any time soon. Not that I'm not willing, mind you. The decision was made long ago that I stay at home. If we hadn't made the decision already, it would have been made for us when we ended up with two chronically ill kids (who thankfully are now going longer than two days between sick spells).

    Still, I'm homeschooling my seventh grader (because of his illness) and seriously considering homeschool my 4th grader when she reaches middle school (just so I don't have to deal with our awful middle school). By that time the eldest will be beginning college. Maybe, I'll be able to work after that, but after 20 years out of the workforce, I'll probably have to go back to school myself, unless I want to work for Walmart! ;)
     

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