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Discussion in 'Free-For-All Archives' started by Molly, Nov 5, 2002.
What are your thoughts on these two options for young people....?
If a person is a christian I don't think it is wise to date a none christian. What religion that person is makes a difference too. I say this because you never know that the person you date may become your future companion. In more cases than not a relationship works better if you are connected with a person of your belief. ~Sheila~
I think courting is fine. I think dating is fine. For many (not all, mind, just many) the difference is semantic.
I learned two Sabbaths ago that only courting is
approved by my synagogue. The reason I
found out is that I had asked one of my pastors,
during one of our afternoon teachings, "Why are
the young people here so different from other
young people? They all dress modestly, they
treat the opposite gender with a sort of respect
I have not seen elsewhere, and I don't see any
pregnancies outside of marriage. What, exact-
ly, is being taught here that causes this differ-
One of the answers was that dating is not
approved, courting is. An unmarried couple
must be either with a group or be chaparoned
at all times. An unmarried couple is not to even
ride in a car together without someone else
Now, I know that there was at least one couple
that did not follow these rules, because they
rode to synagogue together before they were
married. This was a couple in their mid to late
twenties. But during their marrriage ceremony,
it was specifically stated that they were both
virgins, and I believe it, based upon the way
they treated one another.
[ November 05, 2002, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: Abiyah ]
It is a matter of Christian Liberty and shouldn't be regulated by the church. It should be up to the parents to establish the rules their children follow when they are under their parent's roof. At some point you just have to learn to trust adults and hope they do the right thing. If the Commandments are not enough then additional man-made church regulations are not going to be enough.
Case in point: My fiancee and I met in college and have now been together over 3 years. We have spent a great deal of time alone and we have not had sex.
That may be true Chemnitz, but with younger people, dating is more about how far can I get and how quickly can I get there.
You say that adults need to be trusted, and I agree, but too many adults are becoming inpregnated before marriage, and I'm sure it's not the Holy Spirit that doing it! And these same people are Christians!
What I think about this topic is this: The less physicality, the better, make up guidelines and stick to them, and I prefer to see people court over date.
As most of you know, I too am engaged, to Bro. Adam, in fact, and he and I have not kissed (on the lips) during this courtship, and we have grown so much closer.
We dated, and the relationship went to fast, we are both virgins, mind you, but he and I knew that the way we were carrying ourselves were wrong.
First of all, we didn't know each other very well when we were dating, and we were in it for the moment, not the future.
Let me ask this question: What is the purpose for dating?
Now, let me ask you this question: What is the purpose for courting?
I think those should answer your question, Molly, just with the answers themselves.
I ask, what is the defference between courting and dating? To me they are the same thing, serve the same purpose. The only difference is that one sounds better.
"We are dating."
"We are courting."
Both are to get to know each other and to see whether or not the two would be a successful marriage couple. I agree that it is just semantics.
[ November 05, 2002, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: FearNot ]
I think dating and courting are essential apsects of growing up. Teens must learn how to properly interact with persons of the opposite gender. It's not something that is learned overnight. It takes practice and guidance.
Affairs often happen because people haven't learned to respect boundaries. Likewise with things such as abuse. Teens often get pregnant because they think sex is something two dating people "just do", not being aware that there are other more appropriate dating activities. People often get married because it's something they're "just supposed to do" without knowing the full ramifications of the commitment, often resulting in divorce.
Achieving proper interaction skills benefits you in adulthood; not just when dealing with a spouse, but also when dealing with non-marital persons.
[ November 05, 2002, 05:58 PM: Message edited by: Johnv ]
No, they are not the same thing. When two people decide that they want to date each other, they are saying that they want to get to know each other better as people and the purpose of marriage is not in their immediate view.
Courting, on the other hand, serves the purpose of two people, usually very close friends, decide that they both feel that they want to marry, and the courting process is the preperation process to that marriage, and remember also, that dating includes much more physicalities than courting does....So, they are not even close to the same thing.
I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris
I Gave Dating a Chance by Jeramy Clark
Should give you a proper perspective between the two.
I am defintely leaning towards the courtship idea for our daughters....I just wanted to hear from some of you on your ideas about the two options. I dated,I know all about that...really think it is a culturallly accepted or "pushed" thing for teenagers. I can't think of many benefits to it. Courting makes it more of a family event,so that the children are still under the authority of the parents and they seek out God's spouse for them with their parents approval.
I'm thinking about getting Jeff McClean's courting story and Jennifer McLean's story. They are books that tell the stories from each point of views. Have any of you read these?
I don't know what my opinion is on what I will be willing to let my children do when they are old enough ( as yet undetermined how old that will be). And it's not all up to me...my husband is not as adament about subjects like this.
I think I would be more comfortable with chaparoned dating or group outings. I think dating shoud be about laughing and getting to know each other platonically.
Having dated, I know that it can prematurely turn into pressure for a physical relationship ...which is not what I want for my children. I don't want them to have to think about that seriously until they are committed to marrying.
Courting vs. Dating... I just don't see the difference... they, in common venacular appear to be two words with the same meaning. I don't have the "Christian Language Dictionary"
[ November 05, 2002, 08:08 PM: Message edited by: WisdomSeeker ]
I think dating is a North American term. I never heard it when I was younger. In England we courted a young woman with the thought of marriage. A dater is one who marks the date of dispatch on a letter or document, etc.
Courting was often carried out with the woman's father sitting in a chair in the same parlour. Quite often said good night to her and then the father, who locked the door behind you.
I think that Adam and Teresa are on a noble journey, pleasing to the Lord, and I wish them every blessing in His richness.
I still don't see the difference. When I/if I go out on a date, I might go to dinner, then maybe go putt putting, bowling whatever, we would talk alot, get to know each other. What exactly would be different in courtship?
I am 30 years old, my parents or any other chaperone will not be going along on the date. I also will not be asking the permition of a 30 year old's father if I can ask her out.
One just sounds fancier. The concept that it might be more serious doesn't work for me either. If you approach the idea that you should only court, and the reason to court is leading upto marriage, hardly anyone would ever reach that point.
You can't expect two total strangers to make that kind of commitment, they have to be allowed to get to know each other. If a girl I was interested in getting to know started out telling me she is considering me for marriage material right off the bat, I will be out in a heart beat.
I might be missing the boat, or getting the point all together, but I just can't see the difference. I date people to get to know them, see if there is any future, that seems to be the same reason behind courting.
I dated. No other option occurred to me. But
the fact is that although I did initially date two
non-believers during the first years of my
widowhood, I dated believers only, after exper-
iencing them. 8o| Put simply, they were not
only chauvinistic, but they wanted way more
than I was willing to give.
So I dated believers. Put simply, they were not
only chauvinistic, but they wanted way more
than I was willing to give. 8o\ 8o/ 8o(
I finally met a guy--a believer--that I thought I
could trust. By this time, I had developed a
speech I gave every man who asked me out.
"Don't try to plan my future, because I have no
future with you. Keep your hands to yourself.
I don't have sex outside of marriage. I can pay
my own way. (And under certain circumstances)
I drive my own vwehicle."
So we went out--to the mall. And he was all
over me. I spent my time dodging him and
peeling him off me.
The next man I went out with thought that when
I said something, I meant it. He was right. I
That is why I am a proponent of courting.
[ November 05, 2002, 09:03 PM: Message edited by: Abiyah ]
One of the major differences I see,is that during the courtship,the couple is with the families....for example,if I was going to spend time with someone in a courting relationship,we would go together with my family or with his...we would all be getting to know eachother. Dating is the opposite,a guy comes to the door picks up a girl and they head out alone away from the family.
Also,I see how you can see the similarities,esp looking at it from the point of view that it is just a time to get to know one another,but unfortunately,by most young people,it is a way to be alone with the opposite sex away from home doing whatever they wish...most teenagers see it as a time to venture out,make decisions for themselves,be independent of mom and dad,etc.I think it sets one up for much temptation and losing ties with family to gain this level of independence at a young age,esp for girls...I see some concerns with it.
If we are teaching our children purity and submitting to parents,being virtuous in every area of life,then courtship should be a welcoming experience and one to look forward to when the time is right.
FearNot, when we say court today, we don't mean the courting of the 1500's. Here is a basic run-down on the differences between courting and dating, as seen from our point of view. Feel free to take it or leave it, as you like.
1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily commitment.
2. Dating tends to skip the "friendship" stage of the relationship.
3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.
5. Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future.
6. Dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness.
7. Dating creates a artifical environment for evaluating another persons character. (from "I kissed Dating Goodbye")
I dated my fiancee for four months vs. courting her. While we had good intentions, it was clear rather quickly that it wasn't going to work out. These are the big things that I notice that are different in our relationship now that we are courting:
1. While some touching is important in any special relationship, the relationship is in no way focused on the physical side.
2. When we started courting we did so long after we had been friends. Friendship comes first.
3. We started courting knowing that the purpose of courting was solely to figure out if we were going to get married. If we decided that God did not want us together, we would stop courting.
4. God and family are a big part of courting. While, sure, we have fun together and go and do entertaining things, because the purpose of courting someone is marriage, you take more time learning and getting to know each others families.
I believe overall there is a much greater focus on the future in courting, where dating is for the here and now.
From personal experience, I have to disagree with the author. Julie and I dated and we had friendship, we ended up with commitment, dating and distraction are not necessarily correlated, and courting creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character (I mean who is going to truly be themselves with a parent/chaperone watching).
Personally, I think that the only difference between courting and dating is that the word "courting" sounds more formal.
You are entitled to your opinion Chemintz, but your wrong.
It doesn't *necessarily* lead to those results. It all depends on the motivation and commitment of those dating. Dating is not the problem, but the people involved.
Not necessarily true. I got to be friends with most of the women I dated growing up. If our friendship didn't grow, the dating relationship didn't last very long. Most of the friendships endured the breakups and I am still on very good terms with former girlfriends.
"Dating" doesn't do this... people do this. The custom of dating has nothing to do with it.
It can. But dating does not always have to be one-on-one. Groups dates or dating with other couples is very common.
So does video games, marching band, books, music, sports and a social life. It does not make these activities wrong, but just means that the "young people" need to set some priorities.
Of the people I know who believe they have the "gift", dating really was not an issue. Dating was never a very serious thing for them.
It can. Character needs to be evaluated over a long period of time in many different situations. A dating relationship can help a person do just that. Most people are on their best behavior the first time you meet them (in any situation), but a long term relationship will eventually reveal character. You also get a chance to deal with the "date's" family at their best and worst.
I haven't read the book, but I haven't been impressed by anything I've ever heard from people who embrace its teaching.
I think it is a very good thing to point out the problems with a dating style that is sexually-based, but that emphasis is the fault of the person who embraces that dating style... not the custom of dating.