daughter lives with boyfriend / comes home for Christmas

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by shannonL, Dec 23, 2005.

  1. shannonL

    shannonL
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    My parents are both saved individuals who have been faithful their whole lives to the Lord. They have 3 grown children.Myself, along with my two younger sisters,who are both in their early thirties. Both of my sisters have been divorced once. Both of them claim to be born again yet both of them married unsaved men the first go around and now both of them live with two unsaved men. My one sister has been living with her boyfriend going on six years. Thank the Lord neither of them had children with the their first husbands nor do they have any kids with the boyfriends.
    Now that brings you up to speed.Here is my question to those of you out there on the board.
    My one sister is going to our parents house for Christmas. My mother is going to let them sleep in her spare bedroom.
    If it were me I would not do that. If it were my own daughter (BTW I have 3 daughters) I wouldn't even let them do it in my house.
    When I was in bible college my sister was living with her first husband before they were married. She wanted to come down to visit my wife and I along with our one daughter at the time. I told her they were welcome to come but they could not sleep together under my roof. Well, my sister went off the deep end. She told me where to get off at etcc.... My mother called me and gave me the business as well. Yet my sister calmed down and she did come down to visit all the while abiding by our request to not sleep together. We had a great time. Her boyfriend although lost respected our convictions.
    So, my point is this: My parents have never stood their ground like they should when it came to my sisters and the men in their lives. (IMO). As a man with 3 daughters my patience with my sister's boyfriend would have worn out by now. After promising to marry her for 2 yrs. now and not doing it. I believe I would have a few questions for Mr. boyfriend. My parents have always had the idea that if you come on to strong you might push your kids away and they will never come back. Well that my be true in certain instances with certain kids I don't know. I do know this though. That kind of thinking hasn't produced positive results with my sister. She is 34 with a one failed mariage. She has never dated a christian in her life. She hasn't been faithful in church since she was a teen. She has been sexually promiscuous since a senior in high school. That goes for both my sisters.They are just ruining their lives. I pray for them daily. I try to offer advice with tact when the opportunity arises. They don't like to hear much from their older, brother who is a minister.
    How my parents dealt with me and how they dealt with my sisters growing up was totally different. I was a boozer, dopehead and eventually a high school drop out. They gave me the ole tough love that eventually led me to get right with God.
    I know I have went around the fence to get to the barn but I just think that at some point in time my parents (for the good of my sisters) should draw a line in the sand and say "look,fine if you want to live with your boyfriend your business but when you come to our house it is a christian home and there will be no "shakin up" under our roof.
    Don't misunderstand me now. I just came from said sister's house near Myrtle Beach where they live. I stayed down there two weeks while painting the inside of their house. She is my sister and I love her I'm not going to turn my back on her. My 3 girls ages 11,9 and 4 know that their aunt loves them very much. But they also know that their aunt's lifestyle is not pleasing to God. We simply pray for her. We don't want our daughters to get the idea that we look lightly upon their aunt's lifestyle. It is one we definitly don't want for our daughters.
    So would you or would you not let your daughter sleep with her boyfriend over the holidays at your home if your daughter had a history like my sister has? I must admit that my two sister's behavior has produced tension in our family for a while. I haven't shared these thoughts about what I have just mentioned with my parents. I figure they have been believers going on 30 plus years . It is their daughters and it is their home so I just don't bring it up hardly ever at all anymore.
    What say ye in baptistboard land?
     
  2. Dr. Bob

    Dr. Bob
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    It doesn't matter the age (whether 16 or 36) in my home we have rules - and fornication or adultery will not be allowed or condoned.

    Obviously, you think the same (and have borne the reproach previously). That your parents will NOT take the stand is 100% their position and they alone will answer for it.

    In private at another time, if you like poking at bee hives, you can broach the subject with mom and dad. But your disappointment (or what they might perceive as "judgmental") of them may not ameliorate the situation.

    You are right; they are wrong. And with that and 50 cents, you can get a cup of coffee at Hardees.
     
  3. Brice

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    I second Bob on this one. I will pray for you Shannon and may God bless your prayers for them.
     
  4. Bunyon

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    I third Bob on this one.
     
  5. Ben W

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    My house, my rules, either show respect, or enjoy paying at the motel.
     
  6. Hope of Glory

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    Would you let them sleep together if they were a homosexual couple?

    My home, my rules, as Ben W said. Shacking up is not acceptable behavior.

    I too have "been around the bush", as you said. Be prepared to hear the accusation of "hypocrite". Hypocricy is "do as I say and not as I do"; experience is "do as I do and not as I did".
     
  7. Psalm 100

    Psalm 100
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    What Dr. B said.

    I would, however, graciously offer to find them an affordable hotel room close to the house, and even offer to shuttle them around a little.
     
  8. bapmom

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    shannonL,

    I have almost the exact same situation with my parents as well. I agree with the others here, it is wrong. We would go so far that we wouldn't allow our kids to spend the night in their house while my brother and his girlfriend are living together there.

    Right now its one of my brothers and his girlfriend. In previous years it has been my sister and 2 separate boyfriends (at different times) and my other brother and his girlfriend..eventually the mother of his child who he cares for alone now.

    Part of this is made easier for me to handle because I don't live in the same state as them, so we don't see each other all the time. I too avoid the discussion mostly, but only because now they know exactly where I stand and its not done much good to talk about it. They just agree with me and then go on.

    There's not much you can do, except take a stand and be polite.
     
  9. FBCPastorsWife

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    I do so hate you are having to go through this during Christmas Shannon. I do applaud the fact that you and your wife are trying to bring up 3 young girls in the right fashion though.

    My family has a similar situation. My brother met someone online, decided to shack up for awhile with the girl and got her pregnant. She had the baby (which I dearly love now), they got married to "fix" the situation and were divorced less than a year later. As soon as his divorce was final he had already met someone else online of course and had moved her in the house. They finally got married after about five months and she has destroyed our relationship with my brother and my nephew. Not at any time during the shacking up period did we accept the situation. We tried to be polite to them but never would it be allowed in my mother's home nor my home.

    Stand firm brother! Everyone has to give an account for themselves eventually and the Lord will be pleased with you for your willingness to serve Him and keeping His commandments.
     
  10. DeadMan

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    As wih everyone else, my answer is simple: Not in my home!
     
  11. Debby in Philly

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    I agree with everyone else, but I think the main reason is not your sister - it is your daughters. As parents it is our responsibility to provide an example to our children. What better way than to lovingly but firmly show that this is not acceptable behavior! And by loving your sister and doing anything else for her, you show an example of what we mean by "hate the sin but love the sinner."
     
  12. Helen

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    Shannon, I have six children. Their dad left us in 1991 when the youngest was six and the oldest was 17. The shock and pain is still reverberating through their lives in some ways. I say this to add that I was then the sole decision-maker and example they had in their lives as a parent (dad never looked back and never kept up with anything, even surgeries).

    Because I held the line with basic morality, I 'lost' four of the six at various times. My oldest only rebelled for about 20 minutes in high school and my youngest had encephalitis when he was three and so is profoundly retarded.

    Then there were the middle four.

    #2 son I kicked out for stealing my last $60 which was for food when he was 18. He is 29 now and just got out of jail and is in a Christian half-way house. He calls home frequently now to tell us he is doing well and reading the Bible a lot. His voice sounds clearer and more alive than he has sounded in years. I think he is going to make it and I will get this one back.

    #1 daughter left in a rage at about 18 when I told her that her 'new language and way of dress' was really not terribly modest and embarrassed me. Five years later she landed in our driveway a week before Christmas to rage at me again and tell me how awful I was and after about an hour and a half came in for dinner, helped with the tree decorations, and we are now as close as a mother and daughter can be. In the following weeks she apologized a number of times for her earlier behavior. She is 26 and married and a strong and determined young lady. She is a Christian now for sure.

    #3 son I have not heard from for two years. He is 23 now and having an 'independent' streak. He knows exactly where I -- and now we -- stand and also knows we love him and would welcome him home in a heartbeat. I have no idea what his lifestyle involves right now.

    #2 daughter was kicked out of Bible college for lying cheating, and stealing 1 1/2 years ago after years of rebellion and then a teenage 'conversion' to Christianity. She is 21 now, still refusing to talk to us, but at least working full time and taking responsibility for herself and seeing my brother's family.

    I don't know if these last two will 'come back.' All four of them are adopted and all four have had mountains to climb. But if a parent does not hold up the standards, who is going to? If I did not care enough about them to say that what they were doing was wrong when it came to that (and yes, they got plenty of praise for the right stuff through their years with us), then who would care enough?

    I could not let fear of losing them stop me from holding the line on basic morality and modesty (in the case of #1 daughter). It is heart-wrenching to 'lose' a child that way, but it would be far, far worse to lose them permanently to the world because I could not hold up a standard and so they thought that such behavior was just fine and acceptable.

    I look at how many of the people He created and has loved that our Lord has lost and I can only guess the heartbreak He has gone through. But if we are to be followers of Him, then we also must be willing to lose some of those we love to the world, hopefully only for a time, like the prodigal son.

    But if we don't act like the followers of Christ which we claim to be, what then? I'm not even talking about legalistic stuff here. I'm talking about basic morality and ethics -- stuff even the world acknowledges as right!
     
  13. Phillip

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    Helen covered it all.

    Just one brief addition. Do not give in to your kids to try to keep them "loving" you. It will backfire in the other direction.
     
  14. shannonL

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    Thanks so far for the advice. I have always stood my ground when it came to my sister's behavior and lifestyles.
    I suppose what kind of makes me scratch my head is the fact that I know my parents totally disagree with my sisters.
    Sometimes I think my mother has a bigger fear of them rejecting her than she does of putting her foot down. Maybe it is because growing up her mother called her and her sister whores. She kicked them out at the age of 17. My grandmother is a very wicked woman. My mom and aunt grew up with her as a mother and their dad was a drunk. I'm not using that as an excuse I'm just saying there may be some connections. My mother was saved at age 10 by God's grace. She went to church when my dad was still lost.
    My mother has been absolutely wrong though through the years when it came to dealing with my sisters. My dad would set down some firm guidelines and she would go behind his back and cave in to the girls. I believe alot of their troubles began in high school when they got their first part time jobs. My dad said they could not work on Sundays period. They were going to church. Well, my mom and sisters wore him down until they just did it. I on the other hand had no choice. I bagged groceries at the grocery store and never worked on Sundays. I also worked on our very large tobacco farm at the time. Yet, I still found ways to booze it up and dope it up. Still though my dad never gave up and he never quit disciplining me and teaching me about life. I never will forget my dad standing in our yard when I was 18. He said son I have done all i can do for you I'm giving you over to God. Well, that was the beginning of the turning point in my life. When I got in jail again after that my dad said I could stay there and find my own way out. It was during that stint in the pokey that I gave my life to Christ. I got out of jail in July and in August I was enrolled in Bible College. I have had a wonderful life ever since.
    I said that to say this. I just get disappointed sometimes because now when I go home it is almost like I don't belong.
    My dad has made some bad financial moves and because of it he feels like a failure I believe. I think he has just kind of let certain parts of life beat him down. He is still faithful to church. He loves the Lord. We always talk about the things of God on the phone. Yet, I think he has just let my mom and sisters carry on because maybe he thinks he lost that battle a long time ago. I don't know. I wish he would "get back in the game" and speak up more. Even though we kids are all grown as long as he is living he is still the patriarch of the family. You know what I'm saying?
    I'm just sharing some matters with some of you.
    I'm really not responsible for my mom and dad's behavior as christians nor for my sisters.
    I believe the Bible speaks about leaving and cleaving. I have my own little family to guide through this world. I will answer for that. Furthermore, we all come to that point in our lives that we realize "Hey my mom and dad aren't perfect there human too".
    Sometimes it is just sad to see your family kind of crumbling or whatever when it could be different. God is good though. I have a mother and father in law who spent 35yrs. in Africa they are the greatest. My father in law has helped me grow and mature in the faith in ways my family could not have done simply because they havent lived the kind of life on the mission field like my dad in law.
    I appreciate your responses. I have always believed that biblically, I was doing right but, it never hurts to vent a little.
     
  15. Shiloh

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    "My parents are both saved individuals who have been faithful their whole lives to the Lord."
    I hate to be the one to say this... If this was the case, there would be no question.
     
  16. shannonL

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    Shiloh,

    I respect your opinion and agree with it in a sense. Yet, being faithful is not synonomous with perfection. Hebrews Ch. 11 is full of "faithful" men and women who "dropped the ball" at certain times in certain areas of their lives.
    I certainly believe the issue I'am discussing is black and white issue when looking at it from Scripture. Yes, my parents have been wrong on this issue and how they handle it. I think it woud be more accurate to say that my parents have been unfaithful in applying Scriptural principles to this situation rather than saying they have been unfaithful in following Christ in their own lives as a whole. They have let their emotions get in the way of handling the situation scriptually, especially my mother. Also, my dad has become passive in the situation which is not good at all. Look at what happened to Abraham when he let Sarah cook up a plan for a child instead of waiting on God to do it his way. Abraham's passivity as well as his lack of leadership in the home resulted in a major trainwreck in the life of his family.
     
  17. donnA

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    My house my rules, no matter anyones age. They'd sleep apart. No questions, abide by rules, or stay in a hotel, or stay home.
     
  18. gb93433

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    Most of the time rebellious kids come from legalistic or liberal homes. Most homes which have a balance of grace and discipline seldom have many problems.

    I think what your parents do is none of your business. It is their home not yours. You are sticking your nose in where it does not belong. You need to make sure you keep your nose clean and love your sisters and their boyfriends. Sometimes by sticking your nose in you might win the argument appearing little miss holier than thou but lose the war creating a closed door.

    The real issue is not the sin but their righteousness. They are not right with God. Your job is to help get them to the point where they become right with God. When they are right with God their sin will be illuminated.

    It is highly doubtful that you will win them by imposing your moral standards upon them. At this time they do not accept your values. So what could you do to win them? The best thing to do is to love them and pray for opportunity to serve them and then give them the gospel as God opens the door of their heart. Over the past 32 years I have won almost my entire family and relatives to Christ over a long period of time. For years we have prayed for them. I have seen entire families come to Christ all at once. A few years ago I saw my mother in law come to Christ. Recently my sister and her husband her kids and their spouses came to Christ within a very short amount of time. One by one I have had opportunities to talk. Some in person and other over the phone. Recently one of my cousins had the opportunity to talk with another cousin who expressed how she sees us as different. .

    Of course they need to get right with God but if you were given one opportunity by God to get them to see Jesus what would you do? I seriously doubt it would be what you are asking about.

    You need to be gentle with them. Be glad that you have an encounter with them. Be glad that God has given you the time with them and the opportunity he is giving you to share the time with them. You may have to swallow some pride and accept them the way they are. Pray for the opportunity God will give as He works.

    Their sin is no different than anyone else in the world. When they get right with God their sin will stare them in the face. Until that time there is probably little you can say about that and won't make them mad. When you get them mad they will probably not listen to you. People do not care about how much you know until they know how much you care.

    Before you see them, read 1 Cor. 13 and apply that portion of scripture. Earnestly pray for them. When you do God will give you wisdom and a love for them that even you will be shocked at.

    Don't let their sin get in the way of you pointing them to the savior--Jesus. He is our salvation. He is our hope and joy. He is what we live and die for.

    Notice how Jesus dealt with the woman caught in adultery and compare that with the religious people of the day-–the Pharisees.

    John 8:3-15 The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the center of the court, they said to Him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. "Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?" They were saying this, testing Him, so that they might have grounds for accusing Him. But Jesus stooped down and with His finger wrote on the ground. But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court. Straightening up, Jesus said to her, "Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more." Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." So the Pharisees said to Him, "You are testifying about Yourself; Your testimony is not true." Jesus answered and said to them, "Even if I testify about Myself, My testimony is true, for I know where I came from and where I am going; but you do not know where I come from or where I am going. "You judge according to the flesh; I am not judging anyone.

    John 3:17, “ "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.”
     
  19. Benjamin

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    That was good gb, seems a wise way to look at it.
     
  20. PastorSBC1303

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    I think gb gives a very good look at the situation.

    Our natural human response to these situations is "My house, my rules" etc. Yet I think gb challenges us to look at what is the proper response for a believer in these types of situations.

    I would encourage shannonL to give some attention to his words of advice.
     

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