Divorce: Current Situation (need advice)

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by jet11, Jun 22, 2008.

  1. jet11

    jet11
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    My wife left me a few weeks ago (prayer requests forum). I am still struggling with my role in the divorce. She wants a divorce and is unwilling to seek marriage counseling. I need to know my responsibility regarding the marriage, as I am having trouble spiritually. I am still feeling guilty for giving in and allowing the divorce to proceed. I just don't feel that it is good for the kids to have this prolonged. She tells me repeatedly that no matter what I do, she is going through with it.

    A little background. I am a relatively shy person. It takes me a while to warm up to people, but when I do we become friends forever. However, a few years ago my wife quit talking to me about anything. I kept confronting her about our issues (lack of communication), but she refused to face them. Then she expected me to be at ease with her friends. I admit I struggled. I went with her to social functions, but I knew nothing about the people I was meeting. I constantly felt out of place, like I didn't belong. She kept telling me I was anti-social, which isn't really the case. I went deeper into a shell, which ultimately caused the break-up of our marriage.

    Biblically, what is required of me? As far as I know (although there are rumors which I don't believe), she hasn't cheated. She also claims to be a believer. I am not going to judge her salvation, but I have my doubts based on our recent conversations. The only two basis for divorce that I know about and have been taught are cheating and non-believers trying to lead us down the wrong path. I personally don't believe either to be the case.

    Please help me as I am struggling with the hurt from a human perspective, but also from the spiritual side as well. I don't feel the divorce is right biblically. I keep praying, and I am still struggling with the decision she has made. TIA.
     
  2. TomMann

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    Just keep in mind that all things work together for good, and this is a thing. I have been thru divorce on both sides and can only tell you to keep in mind the above scripture and don't assume you know what is best. You are a follower of Christ and not His enforcer of commandments........
     
  3. annsni

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    I know you'll get a lot of different advice in light of the recent divorce threads but here's my thoughts:

    Pray for the Lord to show you anything that you have done to end your marriage. Seek His forgiveness and healing for whatever you may be responsible for.

    Seek to reconcile with your wife. I know she's asking for the divorce but do not give up on the marriage just yet. If she's a believer, then I'd tell her that you are going to follow God's Word and stand by her since you are both one flesh. If she pushes and goes through the divorce, then I'd say that there's really nothing you can do. You can't make someone else stay in the marriage or to act a certain way - that's between them and God. But keep praying for your wife that there might be reconciliation.

    I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I've had a number of friends who have had similar situations and it's just heartbreaking when it's not your choice and there isn't even really a reason for the other person to have left. I pray for you and your children for wisdom, guidance, peace and protection of your hearts.
     
  4. Brother Shane

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    jet11,

    Do not sign divorce papers if you have not already. Your wife is making a foolish decision and is going to have to answer for this sin. Take care of yourself and do not give in to this divorce. It is unbiblical under any circumstances and God will not have it.

    If you have done all that you can to reconcile the marriage, the last thing you can do is not sign the papers. She is your wife, you are her husband, and will be forever. If she remarries, she will be committing adultery against you -- and if you remarry, you will against her -- until death you two part.

    I am very sorry that this is happening and will pray for your situation. Your role in this "divorce" is to not give in to it or have anything to do with the progression of it.
     
  5. pinoybaptist

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    Unfortunately, in this fallen world these things do happen. I will tell you that divorce is not an option in a marriage, and the next step is adultery, but please note this is according to the Bible, not according to me.

    It appears that your wife has her ideas of what an ideal husband should be, and her yardstick for measuring you up is in accordance to what the world says, and not in accordance to what Scripture says.

    A poster here said that in some states, the signature is not even important. I know this happened to my brother-in-law. He divorced his wife, she did not want to sign, but after a year, with or without her signature, the divorce was final.

    Now he's married to a woman 30 years his junior. He's 60. One time they had an argument and she kicked him in the groin, and didn't even care that they were staying with us and not her own house. Reason I'm relating this is because after divorce we may think we're going to get the right person this time, but sometimes it turns out we get a worse one. Could happen to your wife.

    Now, if the divorce does push through for some reason or another, that is really beyond your control. If you remarry, that will be your option. However, according to the Bible that will be adultery. Now, even that is already under the blood, and we have the story of David when confronted by Nathan about his sin, at the command of God, and God told Nathan to tell David that He had already put away (forgiven) David's sin of adultery and murder.

    But even if we are already forgiven, we are spared only the penalty of sin, not its consequences here in this life. So it will be entirely your choice as a child of God.

    Divorce is a painful thing, especially for the innocent party, and I can only commiserate with you, but I can not change what Scripture says, and since we are Christians, we always revert to what Scripture says.
     
  6. Revmitchell

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    Pray and Fast. And wait on God.
     
  7. Jon-Marc

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    I've been through two bitter divorces. The first one cheated on me repeatedly and eventually told me, "I won't change." That was when I gave up, and we separated and divorced. The second one constantly criticized everything I said and did, and I mean EVERYTHING. I couldn't say anything right, and I couldn't do anything right. She moved out and divorced me because I wasn't perfect like she was. :laugh:

    While your situation is a bit different, you and I are alike in being shy and not able to make friends easily and quickly. Good advice has been given in first praying and finding out what your part in this divorce is. You might not even be to blame in any way. It's sometimes a case of only one being to blame. In my first marriage I was to blame also in that I knew nothing about how to be a loving husband, but then we both married for convenience and not for love. I don't think there ever was any love in that marriage. There was love in the second marriage--for about two weeks, and then the criticizing began. I had learned from my first marriage and did my best to be loving, but sometimes love isn't enough--especially when it's all one-sided.

    Be honest with yourself about what you did wrong--if anything other than being shy. I felt justified in marrying the second time, but unfortunately it was to the wrong person. I don't feel justified in marrying a third time and don't really want to anyway. It took two failed marriages to learn that I should have stayed single.
     
  8. Benjamin

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    Being shy/ and warming up to people, are really two different things. People can be drawn to a shy person; it has to do with the “quality” and not the quantity of conversation and interactions. As for warming up to people, that could relate to a lack of trust and/or too high of expectations; if you set such a limitation, as in “friends forever” before venturing into a social relationship then these standards you are asking for are too high.

    Love your neighbor… as you would like to be loved… give that love in “grace” (not because they deserve it) genuine caring, concerned interests in another’s life are easily read by them, (Love is the root and this is the fruit of the spirit, humbly and in grace give it, do not demand or expect things back) setting conditions before you can warm up amounts to “conditional love”.



    Okay, this says a lot, you say you are “confronting her” about “our” issues, but “she” refuses to face them. Maybe you want the communication to go your way? Again, humbly give “grace” and drop the expectation bit about “her” refusing to face them. Actions speak so much louder than words and waving your tongue…well… be swift to hear, slow to speak, and be blessed in “your” deeds. James 1


    First, the expectations on both sides here amount to selfishness. You say “I went” sounding as in past tense and having thrown in the towel. As far as you are concerned I suggest giving in to the situations in grace and in hope that grace may begin to rub off. Also, whatever you practice you will get better at.

    Second, and frankly speaking, you are sounding rather whinny with the “shy thing” and it shows a lack of confidence (a real turn off for women.)

    Third, make a church one of your social functions, - no excuses – find one before next weekend and go. Kindly suggest this to her without any “holier than thou” attitude, but with a humble approach and invite her to go with you. She may not be willing to trust you right now, but as a believer she may place some trust in God. If she will not go then show her by example that you are willing to be social in not only her desired areas but also where you are placing your trust and take the kids and go without her, (doing this while giving every opportunity for her to freely change her mind, such as, preparing the kids by setting out clothes the night before) change the tide and let her be anti-social if need be, and do your best to take the lead in not being anti-social.



    To her it is obviously a problem and you say it isn’t really the case! Think about the selfishness in that statement. Whatever the issues are with “her” friends try tolerance and take any future opportunity to introduce productive paths toward even more social relationships. (i.e. you may need to jump on finding a “couples with kids” type group at a church and “attend” a meeting as “soon as possible”) look for common interests in her friends by sincerely asking them about their lives, but don’t lose the battle because of being called anti-social, prove that excuse will not hold by “your” actions.


    You went deeper into a shell, seeming what she keeps telling you are you being swift to hear? Did this action help the situation? No. Be true and stand up to make a difference, set an example by a willingness to change while showing you value your marriage more than letting this issue defeat it. It is not too late to catch her eye that you value your marriage enough to freely give her what she needs and show her how much you truly care.

    I pray God blesses your marriage.
     
  9. Thinkingstuff

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    I am not a couselor. So I won't give you advise. I will pray for you and your wife. I know you're considering everything that went wrong. Depression will set in and fears. Do know this. The Lord Almighty loves you. Understands you. And will see you through this. Trust God, stay in the word, and pray. I will pray with you.
     
  10. mparkerfd20

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    You've given the same biblical truth that Bro. Shane has been trying to get across but in 1000 times better way than he has. Great post!
     
  11. gb93433

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    It is easy to help those who want help, but those who do not it is impossible until God gets ahold of them. However do not make it easy for her to get a divorce.
     
  12. Bible-boy

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    I am praying for you and your wife. You have been given some very good advice here. Continue to pray, stay in the Word, fast, and seek Christian counsel. Likewise, if I were you I would, after making sure that I had "removed any beam from my eye," begin walking through the process of church discipline (Matt. 18: 15-20) with her (your wife). It sounds as if you have already started by going to her yourself and she has rejected you. Now it is time for you to go to her with two or three trusted mature Christians and try again to reconcile your marriage. If she still refuses have the church elders (pastors) go with you and try to reconcile your marriage. If at that point she still rejects you, you all are to treat her as an unbeliever and she would be put out of the church. If it reaches this point you (and the church) are to share the gospel with her and try to win her to Lord just like any other non-Christian. The focus of every step of this process is to reconcile your marriage and nothing more. If it goes to the final step the goal is to see her reconciled to Christ first and then to reconcile/restore your marriage.

    I will be praying for you.
     
    #12 Bible-boy, Jun 22, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 22, 2008
  13. superwoman8977

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    Here we go again. You will be told dont sign the papers, etc well if you are in a state with a no fault divorce she doesnt need your signature to go ahead with the divorce. I was devastated when my husband broached the subject of divorce but all in all it has been a blessing. I could never trust him again he cheated on me and some of the stuff he has done there would be no trust and no fidelity if we were to reconcile and you need to trust the person you are married to. My apologies and prayers on your divorce but fighting her over it is just going to make it worse. Take this time to grow closer to the Lord Seek Him First and see what He can do in your life. Oh yeah and Shane I talked with my pastor this weekend, divorce is about the only option I have right now since there is no more trust and fidelity and he isnt interested about reconciling since he is still living with the girl etc. So I got my Godly Counsel which is like my affirmation that I am doing the right thing.
     
  14. donnA

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    Jesus can do amazing things, what is impossible with men is possible with God. God heals and changes hearts.
     
  15. superwoman8977

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    Has never happened in my life not really going to think its going to miraculously happen now
     
  16. donnA

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    What hasn't happened, amazing things impossible for men, a change of heart, a healed heart?
    You deny God's activity in your life. This isn't true.
     
  17. superwoman8977

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    Well when I see something miraculously change I will let you know
     
  18. donnA

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    Sometimes we don't always see it.
     
  19. Benjamin

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    Don’t lump all things and people together in one boat. Your logic doesn’t hold that he shouldn’t try to keep the marriage because you claim you can never trust or forgive enough to reconcile. You are comparing situations like apples and oranges here.


    Good advice about him seeking the Lord first, but I would ask him to see/pray what He “can” do in “their” lives. .


    Shane (still living with the girl) shows where “his” values rest and I would agree that certainly limits your options. Seems as though he has placed a wall and chooses to live an unrepentive life of sin (self-willed and missing the bulls-eye on purpose.) Now, if he would come on here I would have plenty to say to him, but as for you my heart goes out and prayers that God gives you peace and happiness in your life.

     
  20. DHK

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    You are using your experience (in the realm of divorce and remarriage) as your sole authority for all matters pertaining to doctrine and practice. It has superceded the Bible in your life. You are dispensing counsel based on your experience instead of Scripture. In fact you are saying that such things as reconciliation arre "impossible with God," because it has never happened with you. Your experiences, as bitter as they are, have become your guide in life, rather than the Word of God.
    The best advice one could give you is to take your eyes off yourself and turn them on Jesus. As long as you are focuses on yourself and your own experiences you are in no position to give counsel to others. I am truly sorry that you went through such hardship. Leave it in the Lord's hands. Move on. Focus on Jesus, the great healer of our souls.

    Hebrews 12:2-3 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.
    3 For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.
     

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