Find a spouse for my children

Discussion in '2003 Archive' started by Istherenotacause, May 31, 2003.

  1. Istherenotacause

    Istherenotacause
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    First my children are too young by my standards to be even considering marriage, so this is not my intention.

    How is it you go about looking for, or at least advising your child in the right spouse for them, or do you?

    Are you the type that already has one picked out?

    Are you going to just let them pick and choose through their dating relationships, or will you let them date?

    Are you solely relying on prayer and the leadership of the Holy Ghost in placing Mr. Right or Miss Virtue in your lives to confirm the right one?

    We had a "lady" come up to my wife inquiring our "religion" and asking questions about our 13 YEAR OLD daughter. :mad:

    My wife and daughter both wear dresses :eek: by their own choice, so the "lady" thought they must be Pentecostal :rolleyes: . She then informed my wife they were looking for a young lady to be the wife for their 14 year old son, not that they were trying to get him married off at 14, but setting things in order for him to marry within the next year. :rolleyes: (guess maybe it was getting too expensive to keep feeding him). She then said, "You know, those Pentecostals are known for marrying young". My wife promptly replied,"We are IFB and we don't do that kind of stuff", referring to "matching up" at so young an age.

    What are your experiences and convictions regarding this? (I say convictions and not standards, because a conviction is something you'd be willing to die for, my children are worth dying for!) [​IMG]

    In His Holy Service,

    Brother Ricky
     
  2. Dan Todd

    Dan Todd
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    Ricky,

    Our children are 30, 30, and 27. They are all married to wonderful Christians. When they were home (before marriage) - we insisted that the young men our daughters (30, 30) dated be interviewed by the parents before the date. For the most part that worked well.

    When our son (27) met and started dating the young lady that would become his wife - I told her parents of the interview system - and suggested that they grill our son.

    All of our children met their spouses in Bible College - a good place to find a spouse (my opinion).

    Now we have grandchildren 4.5, 3, 2, 9mos, and 3mos. Pray - pray - pray.

    We pray for the salvation of our grandchildren.
    We pray for the future spouses of our grandchildren - for their salvation - for all of them to remain pure until marriage.

    My best advice - teach them the Word - live the Word before them - Pray - Pray - PRAY!!!
     
  3. Istherenotacause

    Istherenotacause
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    Appreciate the good testimony of the results of yalls commitment unto the Lord, but I do have this one question about something you said: I told her parents of the interview system - and suggested that they grill our son.

    Did yall marinate him first? What kind , if any, tenderizer did you use? Did anyone baste him while being grilled? Did he get "well-done" or was he sort of pink in the middle? Does he still show the grill marks? [​IMG]

    I'm just picking, I know you meant "drill", or did you? [​IMG]
     
  4. Don

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    No, he meant "grill."

    When you get done questioning this individual, he should look "well done," somewhat toughened on the outside, hopefully not too dried out on the inside....

    [​IMG]
     
  5. Dan Todd

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    Grill is the word I meant to use. It is euphemistic in my "neck of the woods" for "putting them through their ropes."

    We were sometimes asked - after we told our story of interviewing the potential boyfriends of our daughters - if we interviewed the girls our son wanted to go out with. We hadn't. Sounds like a double standard - maybe - but our son sometimes helped interview our daughter's young men. [I certainly think he understood what we expected of the girls boyfriends - we also expected of him]. I told our son's future father-in-law of our interview technique - and suggested that he do the same with our son.

    Have I confused anybody yet? :eek:
     
  6. Gina B

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    I've never really thought about it. I wouldn't have been offended by the situation presented, but in the past I was a member of a church (I'm using that term loosely) that believed in marrying young so it wouldn't have shocked me or been a new idea.
    I've never thought what I'd do with my own kids. I'll certainly go out of my way to be sure they're exposed to good Christian people, but even that doesn't guarantee the person won't be a jerk.
    I'm guessing that if they're old enough to marry they should be old enough to make a wise choice, with a little friendly advice and a pistol totin' mamma in the background of course. :D
    Gina
     
  7. Istherenotacause

    Istherenotacause
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    I agree totally with Dan Todd about the way he has gone about his daughter's speculative mates. Not only does it allow a personal asepct to the possibility of this young man becoming part of the family, but it will certainly inspire an awe and respect for his future father-in-law.

    When I give my daughter away to be married to some fellow, I will make sure he is able to provide for her spiritually as well as financially before I ever grant my permission to allow a courtship. If he has the spiritual side down, then the finacial is already taken care of.

    We don't believe in the dating procedure because of the "try it you'll like it, or you can just get you another" ideal instituted by this present evil world.

    As far as the young lady goes for my sons, I expect the perspective father-in-law or guardian, if they care anything about their daughter, to do likewise.

    Gina, I don't know if you have children or not, but no time like the present is more important that you start training your own in that area of finding the right mate that God would have for them. I believe too many people are carefree in this area only to find out later the heartaches that go with being unprepared.

    I know of a few courtships, all of which have proven very successful, 100%. If for no other reason, that is why I would choose that way over anyone elses advice. It's God's way, not the world's way.

    If a young man is interested in courting my daughter, then he in turn is asking if this will one day be his wife, else what other intentions does he have? None! as far as I'm concerned.

    I want all of my children to be prepared for their mate, else I have failed somewhat as their parent and have abused the Lord's heritage placed under my authority.

    In His Holy Service,

    Brother Ricky
     
  8. Gina B

    Gina B
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    Yes Brother Ricky, I have 3 daughters ages 6,7, and eight.
    Gina
     
  9. Dan Todd

    Dan Todd
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    Gina,

    Teach them the Word - and Pray, Pray, Pray, and then Pray some more.

    Of course - we need to live what we teach - and be a good godly example to our children.

    In Christ
    Dan Todd
     
  10. PJ

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    I've been asking the Lord to prepare my children's mates, and my children for their mates, since they were young. This among the other important prayerful things I consider when talking to the Lord about my children ...
    PJ
     
  11. Istherenotacause

    Istherenotacause
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    The many "facets" of divorce, (if one could call them factes), are become the "hot" topics in many of the sections of BB. If we as Christian or otherwise would incorporate the godly principles of preparing our children for marriage, we should most assuredly thwart off much of the personal experiences of we, who are so commonly effected by it.

    Pray,pray,pray, and then some praying more is exdpedient in finding the right "mate" for all parties of those involved, but putting "shoe leather" to those prayers is just as expedient and would be balanced by relating our experiences: failures and victories.

    My wife and I made many mistakes before we were married. We try our best to relate those experiences to our children as to warn and encourage them as to not make the same mistakes.

    We make perfectly clear , when they say things like,"Well yall made it, so we can do the same too", concerning "mistakes". We encourage them to ask questions, but keeping the answers within specific bounds, considering their maturity , not necessarily their age.

    Our daughter recently "blushed" profusely at her meeting a young man. We later, (days later), asked her what she thought about this particular young man and how she felt towards him. The ususal shy "smoke-screen" appeared and we told her the natural feelings she had were just that, natural, and not godly. Her feelings were normal and we praised the Lord for it. She was amazed at our ability to recognize this in her, and we certainly don't want to offend her in natural affections towards boys. We've informed her to ask the Lord for strength in resisting temptations to go against our wishes in this area and to come to us when she ever felt anything unfamiliar to her concerning young men. We'll even bring up the subject when we feel it has gone too long without discussion. It WORKS!

    The world would "chastize" us for "sheltering" our children, but I've seen too much damage the world's philosophies has caused, so I will have to depend on the Lord and other parents advice in this area.

    In His Holy Service,

    Brother Ricky
     
  12. Daniel David

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    If my wife and I ever have a girl, I think I will enjoy that one the most (as far as her looking for a spouse goes).

    I have already told my wife that I will grill any guy that even looks at my little girl. Then, we will have him over to meet the family. I will be cleaning my shotgun of course and showing off my collection of blades (just for something to do of course). If he is willing to endure that, and endure the unflinching glares that my boys will be giving him, he will have at least earned the right to then talk to my little girl.

    I do not believe in "dating". The only time I ever really saw my (now) wife, was at church, seminary, and at her house.
     
  13. Singing Cop

    Singing Cop
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    My dad and a gentleman from NY thought it would be nice for me and his daughter to meet, fall in love, etc., etc..Well she was at my dad's church here in MO and dad called and asked me to go with a group to the zoo that Saturday - she of coarse would be there! I had no idea that she was there to "appraise" me....and I of coarse, being involved in the youth ministry, was my casual, wierd, and goofy self. I don't remember it but friends tell my I actually crossed a fence and offered to retrieve her a gopher as a momentum of the occasion [​IMG] ....Don't remember it but sounds like something I might do..Anyway,
    she was a fine girl..I am married now but I would have saved myself a lot of pain and grief if I had listened to my father about the kind and type of gals I should have dated/courted (I have done both)! [​IMG]
     
  14. SaggyWoman

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    Reminds me a little of Fiddler on the roof.
     
  15. MissAbbyIFBaptist

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    What an interesting topic! I never would have thought parents thought of this kind of thing had I not experianced it myself! Oh ya'll pulllleeeze don't do what a couple in my church are trying to do to me! Puleeze don't emberris your child by announcing to everyone in the near vicinity that "My son/daughter is gonna marry him/her one day!" Cause I had that couple do that to me once, while the poor boy was present! In front of my church family no less. I nearly died! As calmly as I could, I explained that I would let God lead me in this area, and no offence to them, or their son, but I was NOT ready to have people discuss who I married. Did they listen? NO! SHe still makes jokes about how one day she'll be my mother in law. Their daighters tell me their "praying about it, often." But at least his dad isn't quite so um...outspoken about it. He told his wife once that "We need to leave it in God's hands. If that's what the Lord's will is He'll work it out." And I agree there. I want God's will for my life...I just don't want people to tell me what that will is!
    It's really weird, cause they're protective of their daughters {Joke about cleaning the shotgun and all that good stuff.}, but they can't wait till I turn 18 {age at which their son can court}
    Now I love the family dearly, and I've grown up with their kids since I was seven. His momma taught me a lot about cooking and cleaning. She even asked if she could give me cooking lessons. The girls are like sisters and I still talk to them all the time, even though they are grown now and moved away. Their son was always like my brother. I mean that was obvious since I was always with them.
    When they first started this, I had JUST gotton saved, and he and I were so emberrised we stopped even speaking to each other. We had always been friends, but because his parents keept on saying this, we didn't even want them to think we were friends. Then they moved. About a year and a half later they moved back, and we are still friends, but we both discourage ANY talk of matrinony from his parents! I'm just so very thankful that arranged marrages aren't really going on in America now! Or I'd be done for!
    I've yet to figure out why they settled on ME! I mean I'm not pretty at all, I have an awful temper, I can't cook, I can't clean things with out distroying something, I'm extremly dense about things, and I'm the most hard headed person in the world, in my opinion the worst sinner God could have saved. And I could go on and on and on. So WHY me? :confused:
    I don't get mad about it anymore. I just smile and say "Let's leave it up to the Lord." and honestly I don't think I could be mad at them for the world. Besides this little thing, they are one of the most godly bunch of people I know. I love them dearly, and I supose we all have our faults, so if they can accpet mine, I'll accept theirs.
    I think with this like anything else, you just need to seek God's will. But please don't do what these people did to us. We almost weren't even friends because of it.
    If parents want to be involved in who their child marries, WONDEFUL! We need more of it! Cause I know when I become of courting age {my grandparents are STILL arguing about how old I'll be! {granny says 16, paw says 20...although he'd prefer 50!} and I just plain don't care!} but when they finaly figure out how old I'll be, my grandpa will sit in out living room and clean his shotguns and my dad will drag out all of our old emberising home movies! My brother will tell every dumb thing I've ever done {That could take several days} and my grandma will grill him on family history! Who ever they guy is!
    So if the guy likes me, that will be a miracle, {SERIOUSLY!} and if he can get past my family, then I'll now he's prbably the one! LOL, no I'm kidding there! Like I said, I want God's will, and I won't fight Him about it Lord willing...now other people.... :eek: that's diffrent!
    ~Miss Abby [​IMG]
     
  16. PJ

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    You're so funny, Abby. [​IMG] Love that story! ;)
    PJ
     
  17. Bible-boy

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    Same here; however, we do have a 13 year old daughter and these concerns are becoming much more important to my wife and I. I think that what we are talking about here is just one part of determining how we will assist our children to move from childhood into responsible adulthood.

    No we will not "pick someone out." We will hopefully hold a place of respect in our daughter's heart that will lead her to consider whether or not the young man she desires to marry meets with our approval. However, more importantly that she will consider whether or not he meets with God's approval for her life since she is His child and she wears His name (being a Christian).

    I'm not sure about this one. I tend to lean toward not allowing my girls to date (in the sense of just allowing them to go out unsupervised with boys). My wife and I like the idea of encouraging our daughters to get to know potential suitors by spending time with them in a group setting (like the youth group at church). We are trying to teach our girls to look for godly characteristics in young men that come out as they seek to serve the Lord together while being involved at church.

    Regarding dating: My wife and I are open to allowing a young man to participate in our family time, coming over to our home for meals, going with us to a movie (or amusement park, mall, etc.). However, I don't believe that we will simply turn one of our daughters loose to go out with a boy unsupervised (at least until we have incorporated him into our family life and made sure that he is a Christian with godly intentions toward our daughter).

    Well yes and no....

    We do pray for our girl's future husbands. We pray that God will lead them into godly relationships with Christian young men that God would have them to marry. However, I have made it a practice to take my girls out on dates (something I need to do more often, thanks for the reminder :D ). I demonstrate to them what they should expect from a godly young man. You know, that he be willing to come to their home and meet her parents, treat her with respect, open doors for her, etc.

    Above all I am trying to teach my girls to be able to distinguish godly characteristics in young men. Are they willing to pray with her? Are they willing to study the Bible with her? Do they seek the wisdom of the Word of God before they take a decision? Are they committed to serving the Lord in a local church? Likewise, a key thing to look for is whether or not the young man is a soul winner for Christ? This speaks volumes about the young man.

    Likewise, recently we helped to organize a discipleship weekend for the youth of our church. We hosted the middle school girls in our home for the weekend. They had various times of Bible study, prayer, and fun events. The main focus of the weekend was on commitment--commitment to the Lord, His Word, their families, and themselves. The part that focused upon their personal commitment to themselves was aimed at their involvement at church, maintaining good grades at school, and ... (gulp) sexual purity. At the Sunday worship service following this weekend we held a ceremony where the youth and their families came to the front of the church and the youth verbally expressed the commitments that they had made. Then the parents and the church family vowed to support them in keeping those commitments. We gave our 13 year old daughter a ring to wear on the ring-finger of her left hand as a sign and reminder of her commitment to God, her family, and herself to remain sexually pure until the day she marries.

    All of this is fine and good; however, it is the way that we (the parents) live our lives before their watching eyes, and the love and nurturing and the Word of God that we pour into their lives that will ultimately determine whether or not we will be successful in raising up a godly new generation.

    [ June 19, 2003, 04:19 AM: Message edited by: BibleboyII ]
     

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