Finding a Baptist woman to date...

Discussion in 'All Other Discussions' started by workinprogress, Jul 19, 2014.

  1. workinprogress

    workinprogress
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    Hello all, sorry I haven't been very active since I made my account. Life has kept me very busy this summer.

    As I said in my introduction thread, I am newly saved (since April), and I'm feeling really blessed in everything, and I know that God has a plan for me. However, I'm in a tough spot right now. I really want to find a godly woman that shares my values and wants to grow in her walk with Christ with me.

    Sadly, I live in a small town. There is an active community of believers, which is great - and I learn a lot from them, but they're mostly of retirement age while I'm in my late 20's.

    In church there are only two single women that are about my age, one of which God used to help me get saved (I'm eternally grateful for that). The other woman, although I'm nice to/with her, just doesn't mesh with me, I stay on friendly terms with her and I'm always gracious, but deep down she's just one of those people that grinds my gears...so I can't be around her for long, if that makes sense.

    The lady that helped me get saved, I fancy her a lot and we get along great, but I asked her out a long time ago (before I was saved) and she turned me down. Don't really feel like trying my luck at a second rejection since we get along great as friends.

    My dilemma comes in...small town, how do I find a godly woman? I'm tied to my church now, and the girl that helped me get saved would really be upset if I went to the other baptist church (history of a church split) or even going to a very closely aligned church (not baptist) with minor differences, but still Bible-based. I mean, I wouldn't "switch" churches, but I thought it would be nice to every once and a while go and try to meet other believers around my age.

    I've joined young adult meetups...but I'm just a little too old for them, and the regular adult meetups are full of married couples. I'm in a few Bible studies, but two are men only and the other one is with the two women mentioned before and a few other people from my church.

    To top it all off, outside of a relationship, I don't really have Christian friends. The one guy I hangout with that's about my age will be going back to college in the fall.

    To keep bringing them up, I will hangout with the two women occasionally, but I always have to set things up. They've invited me to...one activity, and I'm pretty sure it's only because the person that was visiting wanted them to. Still, the one time I setup something with a male friend around them they were upset I didn't invite them...yet weeks go by and they never invite me anywhere. I'm whining now, haha.

    Sorry, I'm just having a really hard time now being single and not having many Christian friends. I feel like I'm coming to my wits end to some degree. My non-Christian friends always want to meet at bars and they're trying to set me up with women that are not Christian. I'm not going to, but I can't say it's not tempting right now.

    That got sad fast, I apologize. :)
     
  2. Scarlett O.

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    Welcome to the Baptistboard.

    Before I tell you what I'm going to tell you, let me give you my credentials.

    I am old enough to be your mother (52) and I understand the dilemma of being single and I am from a small town. I counsel (in a non-professional sense) young singles both on and off the net.

    Here is what you need to do.

    [1] The first thing to do is to pray to God that He will lead you to someone. And that he will prepare her for you and you for her.

    [2] Do you have trustworthy married Christian friends at your church or school/job?

    Then you need to tell them that you are looking for a girlfriend and tell them what you are looking for. (i.e. - Christian girl, outdoorsy or whatever). Be specific.

    In a small town or a BIG town, singles who don't have a large group of single friends need some help from their married friends.

    Married people are ALWAYS trying to hook up their single friends/relatives with other single friends/relatives. It's like a parlor game to some of them. Trust me .... I've been there, done that.

    I would just tell two couples to start with.

    And be VERY specific as to what type of young lady you are looking for. And I don't mean specifying her body parts, but her interests, life goals, and things like that.

    I guarantee you that there more than two Christian girls in your vicinity.
     
  3. padredurand

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    Nice Miss Scarlett. I was going to suggest hanging out in the produce section at Kroger's. :thumbs:
     
  4. Salty

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    Is there any reason you would not consider a bigger church?
     
  5. workinprogress

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    Thank you for that reply Scarlett.

    I've been praying, and I will continue to pray for a godly woman.

    I'm not really that close with any of the married couples. The church is really aged, and within my church there aren't really any couples that are close to me in age. I'd say the smallest gap would be...say 10-15 years? Honestly, the closest married couple to me would actually be Pastor and his wife, but I've heard through the grapevine that they were hoping I'd advance with the woman that grinds my gears. I could bring up my dilemma to him in the next Bible study though, I never thought of that - but I'd also have to politely say that I couldn't really see myself with that particular woman preemptively.

    I could branch out and talk to some of the older couples and see about potential prospects, it couldn't hurt. I think I really need to make it known that I am seeking though.

    What's tough about my small town is that it is slowly, but surely, dying. A lot of the couples my age have moved and only come back on holidays and other family/church events to visit.

    Salty, there really are't other options in my town. Like I said the other Baptist church and the one I attend pretty much hate each other, and outside of them I would say there is only one other church that follows and truly believes in the Bible.

    I might have made a mistake not moving this summer. I'll probably move to the South West next summer if I don't find a godly woman by the spring. At least in a suburban environment there will be, hopefully, a lot more opportunity. I'm going to keep trying my best while I'm here though...and if God brings the right woman into my life, I would have no problem staying where I'm at.
     
  6. JamesL

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    I'm in a similar boat, having been single for about 7 years. I have been a believer for longer, though and am older.

    Scarlett gave good advice about other couples, but I would disagree with the body parts issue. While a physical body is not everything, you don't want to be repulsed either. The last church I was at, there were two women interested in me, and both of them are about 3 times my weight - literally. Uh, no. Thanks, though.

    The one I was interested in? Well, she's 10 years older than me. I was 40 and she was 50. She wasn't interested in a 5 year old full time. And that's understandable.

    most times when I see girls who are attractive to me, they simply aren't what i want or need spiritually.

    So I'm single, and it ain't easy.
     
  7. The 5 solas

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    First of all, you were not saved, so she was 100% correct to turn you down. The Scriptures say do not be unequally yoked... 2 Corinthians 6:14
    "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?" So this is a great sign..not only was she witnessing to you as an unbeliever, she was spiritual enough to know that she should not date an unbeliever. Two points for her!

    You said you do fancy her, right? Now that you are a Christian, perhaps now is the time to ask her again. Perhaps you might ease into things by just keeping more company with her. Not ask her out on a date per se, but to do some fun activities and see how it goes. You should be able to discern if she has any romantic interest in you with how she responds on the outings. Rejection is a part of life, sometimes you just have to take the plunge and risk it.

    And always...pray =)
     
  8. Gina B

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    I completely agree with asking her out again. She sounds worth it. If you are told no, you are told no and your heart is free to start looking. Right now, you care enough about her that you aren't willing to look elsewhere out of concern for how she feels. That isn't fair to you, and even if she doesn't know you're doing it, not fair to her, because you're inadvertently making her part of why you aren't searching out a wife.

    Plus how on earth will you live with never knowing one way or the other? That would drive me nuts!

    Anyhow, sounds like you need someone and that's natural and normal. If things don't pick up with the young lady you're friends with, perhaps there are volunteer organizations somewhere around that the bigger churches are involved with, and you could join in? That way you're doing something great and also meeting someone else with a giving heart. Just make sure they weren't ordered to do community service. Ha!
     
  9. workinprogress

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    Typing this on my mobile, so I apologize for errors.

    Things didn't go so well. I've been trying to be extra nice to the lady that grinds my gears, and this has been interpreted as interest in her from the lady I fancy (again, they are best friends).

    However, gear grinder and I were pretty clear (I thought) that we were just friends hanging out.

    So the other night I was texting with the lady I fancy, and I brought up some prospective women for her opinion on...enter I thought you liked so and so, and you've basically been dating.

    After a while I explained everything and she understood.

    Went for it and let her know I'm a fan.

    She was pretty clear she wasn't interested. So I honestly felt relieved that she was so blunt, but very kind, and still wanting to remain friends.

    I took the opportunity to let her know if she ever changed her mind and I was single, I would date her in a heartbeat.

    She said thanks, but it's not fair for me to wait for her.

    In the end, I know where I stand, so I'm glad I did it. On the other side, I can't help bit feel that she denied me because her best friend has obviously shown interest...I'll never know probably.

    So that's that. I will be visiting other churches to meet women, just not the split church.
     
  10. Gina B

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    Good for you, getting it cleared up and settled.
    Now to see what happens. It's always interesting how things work out when one goes the right direction. :)
     
  11. workinprogress

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    Thanks for the advice. I'm glad I went this route.

    I'm glad to say our friendship is alive and well with no awkwardness at all. If anything she seems more open and kind now that she knows how I feel. :) She hasn't pushed her friend on me at all.

    I'll try to keep this thread informed of how things go. I'm not going to rush. I'll just keep praying and seeking. Who knows, maybe the lady that grinds my gears will grow on me. The three of us are going to a movie...one should never say never. :)

    On another note...what is the polite way to bring up whether or not a person is waiting until marriage for sex? It's pretty important to me that a prospective partner is saving herself...but I don't feel like that can be asked immediately. That said, I am ok if the person made a mistake or two in youth as long as they changed their ways...which I guess complicates matters. :)
     
  12. Godspeaks2me

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    Try plucking them right off facebook. That strategy has worked for me a few times in the past! Good luck, don't give up hope. There is a godly babe out there for you somewhere. :thumbs:
     
  13. Gina B

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    There's a private men's forum on here where you may request access after fifty posts, and they deal with those things guy to guy.
    But as long as you're here right now, one thing I ask people to consider when they ask this is to also consider abuse. This is not a choice in a guy or girls life if it happens to them, but can make them feel impure and may be a very sensitive topic. It puts someone in a tough spot if they start caring about someone else, then the person they care about suddenly throws at them that "It's really important that you be sexually pure, but if you made a mistake I can deal with that." How does a rape victim, or someone abused as a kid, respond to that?

    And while purity is important, and being abused does not make one impure, victims can feel impure or that someone else will feel that way, especially since certain terms are often used to imply purity - terms that can make abuse survivors feel really unsure of how others might think of them.

    Sorry to go into all that - it's a great question and I hope the guys will get into it more with you. I just wanted to bring that part of it up because sometimes people don't think about that aspect of things before discussing purity, and it's pretty important. Unfortunately, we live in a really messed up world.
     
  14. Godspeaks2me

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    I disagree. If a women/girl is raped and abused that would by definition make her impure. It may not have been totally by choice but it still happened.

    If a man can get passed a women being impure before marriage that was sexually abused that is great. I think that a women should be up front and honest though also, because she is impure.

    There are men that would feel as though the women was deceptive. This would put a huge strain on the marriage and probably lead the man in divorce.

    There are plenty of other callings for women that have been left impure willing or unwillingly that they would feel just as fulfilled in other then being a wife.
     
  15. Scarlett O.

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    Speaking for myself, other women on this board, and any formerly abused woman who passes by and read this ....

    ... being abused does not make you defiled, dirty, or in any way unworthy to be loved by a good and Godly man.

    It does not make you ineligible for marriage or forced to - as you claim - "seek other callings than being a wife".

    I realize that some men are obsessed and hung up with the tiny piece of tissues in her genitals that symbolized virginity and don't want a "tainted" woman, but those men aren't worth the trouble of even getting to know.

    If sexual abuse or sexual sin made one too dirty and too unworthy to marry, then any man who has ever looked at porn - even just one time - is to never marry either. And that would leave women with not many men to choose from.

    Compare these two: [1] a girl who was raped at age 11 and never willingly had sex with anyone else after that - [2] a man who was in bondage to porn and porn-related "activity" for years.

    Who is the impure and defiled one?

    To me - the usage of porn defiles one ever so much more than if one has been abused as a child by sick adult.

    Your post makes me think you are a troll. Either that - .... well, I won't go there.

    I'll be good.
     
    #15 Scarlett O., Aug 1, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2014
  16. Godspeaks2me

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    I agree with everything you have said here. I don't believe you understand the true essence of what I was trying to concur.

    However, in the future, if you disagree with a position of mine please refrain from personally attacking me ( Calling me a troll ). It's not only ungodly and disrespectful but is irrelevant in a debate forum.

    As far as my position, I understand you may not agree but I believe God/the bible got it right the first time. I don't understand why our society have chosen to stray from Gods method in Deuteronomy.

    Deuteronomy 22:28-29New International Version (NIV)

    28 If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, 29 he shall pay her father fifty shekels[a] of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

    This is a quick, easy, fair and just way of solving the problem.
     
  17. Gina B

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    Let's not ruin this thread with debate. The Deuteronomy chapter can be taken to the debate forum, GS, where I will be more than happy to point out what those verses actually say in context, rather than what you implied.
     
  18. Salty

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    YEs, Gina is right ( as usual) - this is not a debate thread - and as she also stated - be sure to read rule # 2 and the user agreement ( about half way down)
     
  19. Godspeaks2me

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    Gina B,

    If you did not want an off topic discussion/debate then why did you post, post #13 on this thread? I am confused. Why are you allowed to give your off topic opinion about a matter as I am not?

    As far as you claiming I said something not in context of scripture. I never "implied" anything. I allow scripture to imply what it implies. If you take offense to that then you are offended by God.
     
  20. Godspeaks2me

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    Hi, Salty,

    The post by Gina #13 and the post by Scarlett #15 in response both in your eyes break the user agreement. I understand that you like to aid long time members in there online quest but be fair and objective. Also, if you are not a moderator I am confused why you are even posting about the matter. You could always PM people rather then make a off topic public display about the rules of the forum ( in which everyone is breaking constantly).
     

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