Hi. I've been saved since September of 1997 but I don't feel like it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming God, I know that my relationship with God is dependent upon what I put into it ... He is always there, I'm the one who leaves. I've had a rough spiritual life. Started off Baptist as a kid, got involved with Catholicism and even Jehovah Witness because of friends. In 1997 I started attending a local Baptist church because I wanted to be a "good" new mother and raise my daughter in church. I was overwhelmed with the realization of how much I needed God and His Son. So I jumped in full force -- joined a Sunday School class, took the New Believer class and even joined the choir. Well, I ended up moving to another state a few years later. Very rural area so churches were hard to find. Driving around one day, I find a Baptist church about 25 minutes from where I lived. It was small and I wondered about the childrens ministry, being a mother of two young daughters. Well, I took a chance and went inside. I liked what I heard and kept going. The more I went, the more I realized I didn't quite fit in. So, I changed myself to fit in because I was again ON FIRE for the Lord! What an awesome feeling!! Well, I ended up disenchanted after one year of pretending to be what I wasn't and realizing that if I wasn't this way, I would not be accepted by this group of "Christians" ... so I left the church. My mother passed away shortly after that and I realized I wanted to be close to family again so after 2 years, we moved again -- back to the State I moved from, just ended up in a different area. Now, here I am nearly 3 years since moving -- I attend a local Baptist church but I'm just not committed like I was ... I feel so far from God and I even sometimes wonder if what I once believed was ever even true ... does God really exist? Does anyone know how horrible it feels to think such a thing? I guess what I want to know is has anyone else ever experienced this and if so, how did you get out of it? Should I "fake til I make it"?? I know He's there waiting for me and I feel like such a huge disappointment ... I'm so unworthy of His forgiveness for even having such thoughts ... I know He's real, I've been close to Him before -- how do I get back there ... it's so hard ... I feel like my life is so dramatically different from what it once was, what is going to change the direction? I really don't know what I'm asking, maybe just confirmation that I'm not alone?