How do you deal with people you are trying to help who wont repent.

Discussion in 'General Baptist Discussions' started by Jordan Kurecki, Apr 29, 2014.

  1. Jordan Kurecki

    Jordan Kurecki
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    SO i have a friend of mine I have been trying to help for the last few years.

    She has 21 years old and has 2 kids, one of the kids was murdered last year, the kid was in the custody of her aunt, because my friend who I shall name as L from now on, was irresponsable, was drinking alcohol, and the father and her were abusive to her.

    She was homeless for a long time, jumping from house to house, until she eventually gets kicked out because of her behavior,

    her 2nd child was recently taken away from her for irresponsability.

    She gets arrested about every 6 months.

    SHe is currently living with my mother, after getting kicked out of her grandmothers house.

    My mom told her she needed to straighten up, but she has been drinking lately and my mom is getting really angry, I am not there because I'm at bible college.

    my point is this: She never takes responsability for her actions:

    She blames her first child being taken because "her family is evil"
    Shes drinking now because of everything that has happened she says "you dont know what im going through"

    Long story short, she doesn't take responsibility for her actions, blames everyone else for her problems, and never admits when she has done wrong, she just has an attitude of self defense and pride.

    She claims to be a Christian, but I have seen very little fruit of repentance.
    I believer she is probably a false convert. of course I don't really know.

    I have no idea how to deal with her, I have been doing everything to help her, taking her to church when I can, I talked my mom into taking her in.

    But it just seems like shes taking advantage of my mom, which really upsets me.

    How do you deal with someone who behaves in such a way?

    Part of me feels as though she needs to be put out on the streets until she ends up with absolutely nothing and will genuinely repent and turn to trusting God, which it does not seem she is.

    part me wants to be merciful ,but fears she will just take advantage.
     
  2. Zaac

    Zaac
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    She's not going to repent because she's busy doing what she wants to do and there always seems to be somewhere there to take care of her.

    Sounds like it's tough love time. Tell your mom that she doesn't need to allow her to live in her house if she's going to be drinking. It's caused enough problems with her and will cause more and your mom doesn't need to be in the middle of her mess.

    Your mom may be able to help her when she's sober and not on anything. But when she's drinking and high, your mom needs to stop her at the door. i don't care if it's 2 degrees outside. Do not let her in. Throw a blanket out to her. But she DOES NOT get to stay in the house while she's inebriated or high on something else.

    When people get like this, you can only help them because they want to be helped. She's not trying to be helped so RETAKE control of the situation.

    Love her. But your mom needs to make it VERY clear about what her condition needs to be before coming into her house.
     
  3. Jordan Kurecki

    Jordan Kurecki
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    I forgot to mention that my mom is not saved. so its a weird situation.
     
  4. Deacon

    Deacon
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    How does God deal with you when you won't repent?

    With me, more often than not, God is patient and longsuffering.

    Sometimes he knocks me aside my head to awaken me.

    He's always there.

    Rob
     
  5. annsni

    annsni
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    If it were me, I would use tough love. Clearly outlined boundaries and if she crosses them, she needs to leave. Yes, I've absolutely seen this kind of thing and the best thing is to love them enough to let the life choices they make have their natural consequences. Christ didn't run after the rich young man but let him walk away. This girl need to learn that while things may not be perfect in her life, our life is actually a reflection of our choices, not our circumstances. I know kids her age who are homeless and have no family support but who are working hard to get their diploma and education to be able to make a better life for themselves. Her excuses are just that - excuses.

    I'll be praying for wisdom for both you and your mom with this young woman!
     
  6. thisnumbersdisconnected

    thisnumbersdisconnected
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    She's suffering from addiction, and as such is not going to take responsibility until she gets some treatment. I'd suggest Teen Challenge. It isn't just for teens. It is a solidly Christian-based recovery program that promotes the gospel concurrently with sobriety. Understand, she isn't going to get help until she wants it. No one can convince her to seek recovery. She has to want it. But she might be at the point she is willing to listen.
    I see this said a lot on the board, and it's a cop-out. She could very easily be a Christian living in carnality because she hasn't surrendered everything to Christ. A man who counseled me as a new Christian told me most people coming to Jesus have a lot of baggage. Some of it can be carried in a suitcase. Some of the rest of us need several suitcases -- or a pickup truck.

    Me, I arrived with a freight train. It required a very long time to unpack that train and give all that stuff to Him. Some of it, I didn't want to let go of. I thought there were things I could hold back, hold onto, hold up. I was wrong. Sometimes that freight train backs up into the depot and the conductor says, "You forgot this." And I have to take it to Jesus and ask forgiveness for not giving Him everything -- yet again.

    It sounds like this young woman is an awfully lot like that.
    Keep doing that. It's the right path. Perhaps someone -- you, your mom, anyone at church she may relate to -- can suggest Teen Challenge or some other Christian treatment program, and she might consider it. It also might take a while longer for her to get there.
    That's what addicts do. It's the nature of the sin. You have to establish boundaries, in no uncertain terms. If she's going to stay at your mom's house, even though she's an adult, she needs a curfew, uncrossable boundaries and some basic household rules to abide by. If she won't, then she doesn't need to be there. That will tell you how serious she is about admitting she needs help.

    She isn't trusting God, but that doesn't mean she doesn't believe in Him. It means she hasn't realized -- or simply refuses -- to give up her lifestyle and her sin because she enjoys them too much.

    Sit her down. Ask her:
    • "Do you enjoy depending on others for shelter?"
    • "Do you enjoy getting drunk or high, knowing the feeling is going to end and you're going to have to do it all again?"
    • "Do you enjoy not being a mother to your kids?"
    • "Do you enjoy being in jail every few months?"
    • "Do you want to put an end to all this 'enjoyment' you're engaging in?"
    The first couple times you try to have this conversation, she will probably get up and walk away. If she does, let her, as long as she keeps abiding by those boundaries and rules you laid down. Keep trying to have the conversation. She's going to listen to those questions eventually. She'll actually give you four "no's" and a "yes" sometime in the near future. That's when you've reached her, and that's when the love of Christ can be shown unconditionally.

    You will have a new sister in Him shortly afterwards. That doesn't mean she won't relapse, do stupid things, go off the deep end a time or two more. But she'll have a more solid foundation on which to stand, and she'll have more brothers and sisters on whom to lean so she doesn't do any of it again.

    God bless, JK. I'll be praying for you and her -- as well as your mother. She might learn something in this process too. :thumbsup:
     
    #6 thisnumbersdisconnected, Apr 29, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2014
  7. Iconoclast

    Iconoclast
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    She is suffering from sin....and needs to repent.Show her the contrast from 1. cor. 6:9_11.... between the behavior of a saved person from a lost one.Do not enable her in her sin as if just asking a few questions will win the day.
     
  8. Earth Wind and Fire

    Earth Wind and Fire
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    I don't think she is a Christian.....not really anyway. There is no evidence of regeneration.

    I would ask her, if she thinks she is a Christian, then why is she slapping Jesus in the face? Who else has suffered & died for her so that she could have eternal life (but she probably wouldn't understand that). That should cause her to agonize, to feel shame, to be sorry.

    What I am asking you Jordan, where is there any evidence of the presence of God in her life?

    There are always indicators of a life changed by His presence. I personally dont think there can be any fighting this visitation but you would probably disagree however she has not displayed she's there!
     
  9. thisnumbersdisconnected

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    No offense, EW&F, but how can you judge that from a short post on a message board?
    We've all done that at least once, and more often than that if we're honest with ourselves. No one walks perfectly, and every sin is a cause for Jesus to grieve for us.
    She won't, if she's not a Christian. And if she's not, someone needs to help her get to the point that she knows she needs someone to die for her. Otherwise, it's just gobbledy-gook to her.
    It will if she's a believer. If not, it will probably just tick her off.
    From his narrative, there are none. But that narrative isn't the young woman.
    That would seem to indicate there is no sin in the life of a believer, certainly that there is no major sin. I don't know how we can justify holding to that view, given the realities of the Christian walk.

    Remember, Jesus renewed our heart the moment we believed on His finished work at the cross, but Paul tells us we have to renew our minds ourselves.
     
    #9 thisnumbersdisconnected, Apr 29, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2014
  10. Earth Wind and Fire

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    I said "Think," I didn't say "I know for sure." Im not there in person so its just a concern at this stage.
     
  11. salzer mtn

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    If the god whom a person claims saves them don't change them, they need to seek a new God. Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things have passed away; behold all things are new. 11 Cor 5:17
     
  12. Jordan Kurecki

    Jordan Kurecki
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    She becames very angry when I question her salvation.

    She's very very defensive when it comes to pointing out sin in her life, it always turns into a "well you do this" type of thing.

    I think she is a product of Easy Believism.
     
  13. Jordan Kurecki

    Jordan Kurecki
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    Well Jesus says a good tree brings forth good fruit.

    I see very little fruit, nor do i see the reality of if any man being in Christ he is a new creature.

    I may be wrong, but I fear for her.
     
  14. Tom Butler

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    We may get some help from I Timothy 2:25
    This suggests to me that the desire (and ability) to repent is given by God. To me, thjis goes along with illumination and conviction, also gifts of God.

    So, we can pray to that end: that God will open their eyes to their need, bring them under conviction of their sin and sinfulness, and grant them repentance and faith (also a gift).

    When someone resists all our human efforts to point them to Christ, plead with God to do His work.
     
  15. righteousdude2

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    There comes a time ....

    .... to shake the dust from the sandals and move on! There are a lot of people who are lost and in need of hearing the message. There are times that a prophet hath no honor in his own country! Jesus said this in John 4:44.

    MATTHEW 10:14 - If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.

    LUKE 9:5 - And if a town refuses to welcome you, shake its dust from your feet as you leave to show that you have abandoned those people to their fate."

    Here is a link to an excellent article in Charisma Magazine - How to know when it's time to move on: http://www.charismamag.com/blogs/th...hen-it-s-time-to-shake-the-dust-off-your-feet

    I understand your feelings and the deep amount of emotional involvement you have in this relationship, BUT there is a time when it is best to cut your ties and move on!

    Sometimes, in our attempt to get someone to come to Jesus, we "Bruise the fruit!" And that bruise cold hurt that person for the rest of their life when it comes to being receptive to salvation!

    It just may not be the season ... and if you pray and wait, God may open another door ... Shalom!
     
  16. righteousdude2

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    I was going to add this, BUT...

    ,,, Ann did such a great job of sharing tough love, I will just say, this may be the proper course of prayerful action!
     
  17. Earth Wind and Fire

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    Yes I agree....take it to God and plead....it is His call.:thumbsup:
     
  18. Aaron

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    I quit helping them.
     
  19. Earth Wind and Fire

    Earth Wind and Fire
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    WISE.....because in reality you are NOT helping them, rather you are being used by them. Look up the word "Enabler" ..... it's used allot in Drug & Alcohol Recovery Programs like AA.

    one that enables another to achieve an end; especially : one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior
     
  20. pinoybaptist

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    she may be Christ's, then again she may not be.
    but if she behaves that way in my house where she's staying and me trying to help, well, "door's right over there, here's some money, don't come back unless you really mean to help me help you, bye."
    you can't help a drowning person who will potentially pull you down into the water with him/her, except with a solid punch to the jaw that'll knock the fight out so you both can get to shore.
     

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