Marrieds, I need your thoughts

Discussion in 'Free-For-All Archives' started by Gina B, Mar 13, 2003.

  1. Gina B

    Gina B
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    Sorry singles. [​IMG]
    Ok, here's the basic situation.
    I am hopeful that some day, probably not in the near future, I and my ex will reconcile.
    One of our major problems happens over money. (imagine that ;) )
    One of the major things would come after something was bought. Example. If the kids needed new coats, I'd have to explain exactly why, show him the old ones, put them on the kids to prove that they indeed did grow and couldn't fit in the same coats anymore. LOL Anyhow, if it turned out to be something they really needed, he'd get it for them. Not in the first few years, but over time that changed and he'd do it, although a bit grudgingly. I could deal fine with the explaining part, if it was my money I worked for I'd make sure it was needed too.
    Major problem came after. Every time he made a somewhat expensive purchase, he'd seem to need to "vent". It would go something along the lines of a whine over how much money he had to spend all the time, and then it would turn into telling me everything else he was upset at. It could be anything from leaving an empty cup in the car and reasons not to do it, or how I needed to teach the kids more stuff, how I should keep the mail in a certain place, it was like he'd just think of everything he could to complain about. Then when he was done, usually after an hour or so, he'd be fine. No problems, and not even seem to realize that he'd just spent an hour making me feel like I could do nothing right and like I was two years old.
    Call me dense, but I never made the connection between the money thing and those tirades until recently. He's moved, but he does the same thing now, only over the phone. There's been a few times the kids really needed something and I'd tell him, eventually he'd get it, but then call and do the same thing on the phone he used to do when we were still married.
    And I finally realized it's his way of venting frustration. It's not a good way, AT ALL, for me anyhow, but that's what he does and why.
    Now.
    Ladies, do your husbands do the same thing and how do you deal with it?
    Men: Do you have a tendency to act the same way? Do you feel bad after you do it? How do you want your wife to react and what could she do to change why you feel like reacting like this?
    Gina
     
  2. donnA

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    Basically I buy what I want , when I want. He never questions me. He has no idea how much money we have, or what it takes to support us monthly. I also earn some of our money with my dolls. I also am the skin flint, penny pincher here. But when we need it, we need it.
     
  3. jenclowes

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    my husband and I, now, do our finances together each month. For a time it was quite a point of contention for us. He wanted to spend, and I said we didn't have it, then I would want to spend, and he would say no. It got quite confusing, and he got credit cards and maxed those out so he could spend. ( that ticked me off) When we started with some of our current financial difficulties( due partly to credit cards) I forced him to look at our finances and he finally realized he was part of the problem. I still have to remind him at times that the kids have to come first, since they are the ones who seem to need new clothes and more food than he and I, but he has come around quite a bit.
    One thing I will give him credit for..he has never completely blamed me for our problems, and he doesn't vent at me. He goes out of the house and slams around outside for awhile.
     
  4. RomOne16

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    Hi Gina.

    Aside from me being female, my husband and I are the original odd couple. He's Felix and I'm Oscar! [​IMG] No joke. He's Mr organized and me.....well let's just say I'm organizationally challenged. :eek: His side of the closet is neat and tidy with shoes lined up just right. My side looks like a bomb just went off. [​IMG] (Don't get me wrong though, I do clean house, I'm just not a neat freak. LOL)

    Needless to say, he manages the money and bills or we'd be in trouble.

    Over the years, he's learned to relax a bit and I have learned to keep things neater. We still don't meet quite in the middle, but we might get there after the kids grow up. :D Anyway, because we don't meet in the middle yet, he does occasionally get frustrated (don't we all?) and I can tell this by him grabbing stuff that's laying around and throwing it in the trash. LOL I usually just stay out of his way at such times and if he throws out something I think should be kept, I calmly remove it from the trash and put it away somewhere (which is what he wanted done with it in the first place [​IMG] ). He's not vocal with his frustration though, so this is how he vents. :D

    We are both pretty thrifty with money. We did have problems and disagreements though a few years ago until we read a really good book on how to structure our spending. I think the womans name that wrote it was Mary Hunt? She started the tightwad gazette (I think it's called that). I say we structured our spending because it's not really just a budget. We sat down together and figured out what we needed to spend on each catagory (based on our past averages), from all the usual stuff like tithe, utilities, rent, groceries, etc. but also including things like clothing, haircuts, entertainment, car maintenance and so on.

    It made things much smoother because most all of our expenses were planned for. So when the kids needed shoes or coats, I just looked at what we had alloted for that purpose and that's what I used. No more surprises for him, and no more haggling for me.

    Well, sorry this was so long. I hope it helps a bit, and you will be in my prayers. [​IMG]
     
  5. Jim1999

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    Two words lead to marital bliss and harmony.......Yes dear!

    More than fifty years and it works everytime.

    I will say this, however, the number one problem in most marriages has to do with finances. This seems to be the stepping stone to other problems that creep in. Credit is far too easy these days, and income so short. I read somewhere that the average AMerican has 7 credit cards maxed out. This is not a good sign. When you get behind financially, everything else is magnified tenfold and tapping a fork on the dinnerplate becomes a point of aggravation and leads to short tempers and outbursts. This is my experience from a lifetime of marital counselling.

    There is an old saying, "Don't sweat the little things." I think that holds water to-day.

    Cheers,

    Jim
     
  6. Gina B

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    LOL Mom of Five! That's how I learned to keep a neat house..I got sick of having my stuff thrown away! Oh well, it worked anyhow, so I don't hold it against him. [​IMG]
    I'm pretty cheap myself. If it isn't on clearance I won't buy it, and I love garage sales. He's the opposite. That's what frustrated me about having him get upset over necessities. He could buy a 27 inch tv on a whim and that was fine, or a new stereo, or a new coat (he's obsessed with coats, I counted about 15 various ones at one time). His money, fine, but I didn't hear him getting upset after he bought something like that, it was always after something me or the kids needed, or after paying an extra high electric bill or the car insurance. So of course I'd get bitter about that...why do I have to explain and justify and argue every little purchase, if there's money for new tv's and expensive stereos and to go out to movies what's the problem?
    And of course I'd overreact. And it would end up with "I work and you don't!" Of course he didn't want me to work when it came down to it and I got a job and he figured out it would actually cost us money for me to work. :eek:
    Then it would lead to more and more, he deserved it cuz he worked and I didn't, then it turned into me offering for him to have the kids 24 hours a day, and then it would turn into "You aren't doing your best, no YOU aren't doing your best, I could do your job better, no *I* could do your job better", and on and on, with the exception that I hate arguing and would usually not talk but then he'd follow me around nagging until I did, but by the time I finally did I'd have been building up and would explode.
    This is what I want to avoid. But that's how it usually starts, so if we can figure out how to keep it from starting that explosive ending won't be as likely. [​IMG]
    Gina
     
  7. Jim1999

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    From the very beginning of our marriage, money was never his or hers, it was ours. It was not the end all, but the means to that end. Since we co-equals in raising a family, we were equally responsible in our spending. We never spent money without consultion.

    Mind all your pennies together and you will find life more bearable. Again, I say, sit down and establish a fiscal policy and all the little things that escalated will fall into line.

    Cheers,

    Jim
     
  8. Johnv

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    My $.02 is both spouses whould be aware of the financial situation, even if only one of them handles the finances. This is one of those areas where "submission" shouldn't be a license to be ignorant.

    My ex would refuse to know what the finances were, and as a result would often overdraw us on our checking account.

    Now there's nothing wrong with frivolus spending, so long it's in your budget. But the budget should neither be kept a secret, nor should it be ignored.

    Finances continually ranks high among marital stress. It's a pity, because it's something that can be easily overcome.
     
  9. RomOne16

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    So you're a trash picker too! [​IMG] I'm not the only one! :D

    After reading your last post, I really think the main problem isn't necessarily money, but his being self centered in the spending of it. I'm not trying to villify him or put all of the blame on him. He just sounds a bit stingy. :D It seems like he needs to realize that the needs of his family are equally as important as his own.

    Is he saved Gina? Have you both sought godly counsel? Is he open and willing to counseling? If he isn't, it's going to be more difficult to work things out. Difficult, but not impossible. [​IMG]
     
  10. stubbornkelly

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    Best thing I ever heard on this topic was on - of all things - "According to Jim," that new-ish sitcom with Jim Belushi. He basically said the same thing to his wife, and she told him (this is the best part), "You're right. You do make the money. But we both earn it."

    [/single person's input [​IMG] ]
     
  11. Wisdom Seeker

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    My husband is like that too although I hate to admit it. He doesn't think it's his money, at least that's what he says. But, he gets a little petulant when I buy things he doesn't think we need. He also gets mad when the cupboards and fridge aren't completely stocked...even when there's less money for groceries that week.

    All he has to say is "We need to have a talk" , which means that he is angry about the money situation, and my chest gets tight and I wonder if I can get through it without crying. I never do. He's different when he's angry, and there is no escaping "the talk". My husband's attitude isn't because he's self centered...but he does have control issues. Combine that with an innate stubborness, and being completly right brained...and it can sometimes be unpleasant.

    I'm glad to hear that you are considering reconciling. And I really hope that you get this figured out.

    And Kelly... I agree with you. That is a good line, and it's true. It all goes into one pot.

    Laurenda ;)
     
  12. RodH

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    My wife and I both buy food, clothes and other necessities without discussing it first. I can't remember her buying many things that I would consider wasteful, definately nothing expensive. For other larger purchases we usually discuss it first, but I don't remember many times where we disagreed about an expense.

    My wife is an LPN and works as a nurse in a doctor's office. She only makes slightly less than I do, but I don't think I would consider it MY money even if she stayed home. I trust her enough not to question her about everything she buys.
     
  13. Helen

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    Gina, there is something you can try. Total up the clothing expenses (for example) for you and the girls for a year. A full year. Add about $100 for emergencies (paint on a shirt, etc.) and then divide by 12. Show him the figures. Ask if that can be part of the monthly budget.

    Do the same for utilities, car expenses (with the current rise in gas in mind), household expenses, and food, at the very least. Show him. Ask if this is something you can plan around. I know rent/mortgage, insurances, taxes, medical premiums, etc. have to be added, but I think you get the idea.

    Then, when he saves up or you save up enough money for something special, no need to feel defensive or vent.

    A lot of times that venting is from a guilty conscience. If he doesn't have to feel guilty, because the family is already taken care of, then maybe you can both enjoy or celebrate the new purchase together?
     
  14. blackbird

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    Gina,
    I know you take Blackbird's advise with a "grain of salt"--sometimes you respond and sometimes not--but here is what I'd like to do with your ex-husband--I'd like to take him back behind the tool shed and give him a big ole Cajun "tail-whippin'!" All of that whining and carrying on foolishness is for sissies--the big concern I have is why do you want to be reconciled? I don't get it! Go out and find you a husband who will love you like the Lord Jesus Christ loves His Church! I guarantee the Lord Jesus wouldn't "belly ache" like you described!

    Your buddy,
    Blackbird
     
  15. Multimom

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    Gina:

    He's not your husband anymore right???? I'd tell him where to get off and to find someone else to gripe too.

    My ex did that for about 2 years and I finally said, "Look I'm not your wife anymore and I'm not your mother, go to someone else with this. I don't want to hear it anymore."

    Gina, you aren't resposible to listen to him rant and rave anymore and I think it's just another way he can still reach into your life and try to control you. Don't tolerate it.
     
  16. Gina B

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    I thought about it. Just getting remarried.
    I've seen others do it and that may be right for them.
    I'm not comfortable with the thought. I like the thought personally, but I'm convicted it's not the right thing to do. If that changes it changes. I've struggled with this, and my final thoughts are that I won't be right with God if I do that.
    That leaves me two choices. Work things out, or don't work them out and remain single. I'd choose the latter if I could afford it. [​IMG] He knows that. I know that. It's no secret which is why I'm free to post it.
    However, that's also one of my major faults. I like things my way, I have a major problem with any type of authority. Ask any pastor whose church I've been in. LOL It's being worked on though.
    While I don't give myself equal blame in our marriage ending, I do know that even when I was "right" on something I caused him to react poorly with my style of response, and also could have made things better by recognizing and being thankful for what he did to provide for the family and how hard he worked/works instead of always looking at how it kept him away from home.

    He's not a Christian, I can't demand Christian behavior out of him. I wasn't either when we got married.
    But..I did make a vow for better or worse, AND for forever, not for until things got bad.
    A piece of paper from the government is just that. It doesn't have much authority in my opinion. So neither the marriage papers or the divorce papers they gave me make much of a difference in how I view our relationship.
    Gina
     
  17. WonderingOne

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    Gina,
    Just my opinion, but I think the question to be asked here is do the two of you still love each other. I have been married for 36 years, and during those years we have worked through some very serious problems. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if you love your ex-husband, and he loves you, there is a foundation there to renew your relationship upon.
     
  18. Gina B

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    No, at this point I don't, I'm working on it. [​IMG] Then again define love? Maybe I do. LOL
    He says he loves me, and to a point I believe it, his actions of late are *beginning* to prove it.
    By the way, it's not just me he picks at, it's everyone, even at work it has gotten him into fights. It's an overall thing in his life that needs to change, although I can't say I never provoked him into continuing with that reaction by how I responded to it.
    Man, I hate having to grow up!!!! [​IMG]
    Gina
     
  19. WonderingOne

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    One thing that helped us overcome problems in our marriage was the realization that love isn't just a feeling...it's a committment. I think that's one reason there are so many divorces these days...the romantic feeling fades, so people just chuck the committment. (Not saying this is true in your case). Having been married for so long, I can testify to the fact that if you are faithful to the committment, the kind of relationship you can move into is far more satisfying than just "romantic love."
     
  20. Karen

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    You speak sense here, Blackbird!
    Gina, please don't even think of remarriage to this guy till he changes, demonstrably and long-term!

    Karen
     

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