An old farmer came in from the fields one afternoon and his wife said to him, "Homer, do you realize that tomorrow will be our golden anniversary? Why don't you slaughter a hog on account of the day?" And the old farmer rubbed his grizzled chin and thought about it for a few moments before he said, "Don't seem fittin' to make a pig take the blame for something that happened 50 years ago." ~~~ John was at the mall one day when he happened to meet, Jim, an acquaintance of a few years. "How's your new girlfriend?" Asked John. "Oh her. We broke up." John was surprised, "Really? Just last month you told me that you finally met Miss Rght." Jim grimmaced, "Yeah. But I didn't realize it then, but her first name is Always." ~~~ Little Tommy is reading the newspaper and the days above-the-fold headline reads LOCAL MAN ARRESTED, CHARGED WITH BIGAMY Tommy asked his father what "bigamy" means. His fathers said, "Bigamy is having two wives at the same time." Tommy was confused. "Why is that against the law?" His father said, "Because, son, the law protects those who are too foolish to protect themselves." ~~~ A woman is standing beside a grave weeping uncontrollably? "Why did you have to die? Why? Why? Why couldn't it have been me instead?" A passerby touched by the woman's grief said, "I'm so sorry for your loss? Your husband?" "Close," the woman said wiping away a tear, "This was my husband's first wife." ~~~ Mike and Lisa were a recently married couple taking a road trip and both had been giving the other the silent treatment following a spat an hour back. Presently, they pass a farm with a pig sty near the road. The pigs were wallowing in the mud. Lisa looked at the pigs and gave a small smile. "Relatives of yours?" asked Mike. "Yes," replied Lisa cooly. "In-laws." ~~~ One morning at breakfast, June remarked to her husband Cliff that she would give anything to be 10 again." So Cliff spent the entire day planning. Early the next morning, Cliff told June that he had a surprise for her and brought her a breakfast of chocolate milk and pop tarts. Then they got in the car and Cliff headed straight for an zoo where they walked for miles loading up on hot dogs and cotton candy while looking at the animals. Next was the amusement park and spent the next few hours on one roller coaster after another. Finally they stopped off at McDonald's for a dinner of Chicken Nuggets and fruit punch. That evening with both her head and stomach spinning, June asked, "What would possess you to plan a day like that?" Cliff said, "Well you said you wanted to be 10 again...." June said, "That was very sweet dear, but I was referring to my dress size." ~~~ A newlywed couple moved in next door to an couple who had been married years and years. After a few weeks of watching the newlyweds, the older wife said to her husband, "I've been watching our neighbors for a month now. He doesn't leave the house without kissing her on the cheek. Why don't you ever do that." "I don't know her that well." was the husband's reply. ~~~ One morning a wife said to her husband, "I bet you don't even remeber what today is, do you Joe?" "Of course, I do!" Joe said. "I bet you don't. I bet it slipped your mind like always." She said. "It did not!" Joe protested. But the truth was Joe was forgetful about these kinds of things and wanted to take no chances. So he called up the florist and had a dozen roses. On his way to work he bought a box of chocolates, and on his way home from work bought her a diamond necklace. The wife was overwhelmed when presented with the gifts. "The flowers were wonderful, Joe. And the chocolates too! But the necklace, that was just too much." "And you thought I forgot what today was," Joe said. "How could I have doubted you, dear." the wife said. "This has been the best Columbus Day ever!"