Question about newlyweds

Jim was in the Army and we left right after our wedding dinner and headed north. Because we knew no one, we made friends together and couldn't complain or run to 'family' with every little slight. We're best of friends and I honestly believe our marriage was made extra strong by our time of bonding without interference.

We were married 34 years on Oct. 10th.

 

From my experience of having both families in the same town as my wife and me, I would advise to be far, far away.

 

Hey Ps104,

I got married a year ago. My in-laws live 3.5 miles one way and my mom lives 3.5 miles the other way. I just think that its best for all involved to know that you are responsible for each other now. I'm about to move out of town and I think it will be great. I'm not going to say intentionally go far away or anything. On the same note you need time alone with your spouse. I don't know about the church deal. Her parents don't go and my mom goes to a Church of God.

In Christ,

Brooks

 

Distance is great. We live 2 and 1/2 hours away from both sides of the family, and its a good day trip. On the other hand, we can't depend on grandma for babysitting uness its planned in advance. But for us, it works WONDERFULLY.

 

Used to live 2 blocks from my parents and 7 hours from my in-laws, now live 2 blocks from my wife's parents, and 7 hours from mine.

Never really been a problem, different churches would probably be a good idea, but that really depends on the situation.

Our parents have never interfered with our family, but are always there when we need them. I have some friends however who need to move far far away, and some who did on purpose.

 

My wife and I have lived about 15 minutes away from both sets of parents since we were married.
It's never been a problem, if fact with the arrival of kids it was quite handy.

It's totally a matter of preference and what you feel comfortable with.

Rob

 

Personally, I believe it depends on the inlaws.

When we were first married, both his parents and mine were mad at us. Of course the fact that we didn't have money for a telephone solved a lot of the problems we might have had. We were married four years and had solved the inlaw problems before we finally "found" the money for a telephone! You can't call and complain if there is no phone!

Then again, we only lived a block away from his grandparents. They were thoughtful enough to allow us to use their phone and not interfere in our arguements.

Down the line a bit, when the kids started coming along, we moved in across the street from T's parents. That was wonderful for all of us, but only because T's mother and I had worked through our differences.

Moving close to my parents on the otherhand might have brought about life ending changes in our relationship. My parents tend to, umm, give advice (yeah, thats polite) whether it is asked for or not. We only moved into the same city as they live about 5 years ago and still have to keep some distance between us. Weekly phone calls not daily, that kind of thing, or eventually one of them will say something that probably should have been left unsaid.

As far as church goes, we went to T's parents church when we were first married. But at the time his parent weren't attending much because his dad was having to work alot. The chuch was quite good for us though.

I won't attend church with my parents, because of differences in our beliefs(thier personal beliefs not the beliefs of their church). They are KJVO and extremely strict in some of thier beliefs. It is not worth the enivitable discussions that would follow my voicing something that my parents didn't agree with.

 

Depends on the inlaws and the size of the church.

 

We live in the same general area of both our families,and the only problem it ever caused is when we lived just down the road from his parents. We have always lived within 10 miles of both families, just minutes away.

 

I live 3 and a half miles from my parents and his mom (they live across the street from each other...totally different problem there!!!) I also attend the same church as my parents (dad is the pastor). There is no other good church in this area or I might consider attending a different church (if my husband were to want that). But having everyone so close is great!!! My sis lives across the street from me, my brother lives a couple of miles down the road. I get to see all of my family on a very regular basis!! And with my daughter, I think it's great that she gets to grow up knowing her extended family. When I was growing up, I saw my grandparents once a year if even that much and my aunts and uncles and cousins about once every 4 years. I really would have liked growing up closer to extended family.

I would say as to the answer that I wouldn't go out of my way to move, but if it is necessary, then there are some positives to it.

 

As saggy Woman said, it depends upon the individuals and the church involved.

My in-laws lived 5 houses down from me, while my parents lived 5 miles away. However, my parents had told me, "When you marry, you're the head of your own family unit, and while we'll be here for advice in monetary matters, plumbing probs, etc., ONLY IF ASKED, we have no right nor any desire to make any family decisions for you. If you & her have problems in your relationship, we don't wanna hear it. That's between you, her, and GOD."

My Methodist in-laws said basically the same things.

We've been married 30 years; my in-laws have passed on, but not once did they nor my parents ever "stick their noses" in my family's business.

But that's US. YOUR situation may be different.

 

Sometimes, 20 hours away is still too close.

 

We've moved to Oregon for a number of reasons, but the one that almost held us back was staying close to our grown kids, most of whom are still in the Sacramento area.

One set is following us up here! Their marriage is their own, but we enjoy being here for them and just having them as friends, as well. But their business is theirs -- we have enough of our own without asking for more!

Can't wait to be able to babysit grandkids, though!

So different from my parents! When the first four kids were little, we lived first about 20 minutes from them and then about two miles. Both times my mother was 'much too busy' to help out, even when I had the flu! She said she had done her bit raising kids and didn't want to babysit. It turns out that part of it was that all but one of our children is adopted and she didn't want any that weren't 'blood.'

She died last year. She missed so much and was such a bitter old woman in so many ways!

So, for me, family close is a wonderful thing, but I have no intention of 'butting in.'

One thing was interesting though, with our oldest daughter and her husband. He comes from a very dysfunctional family, and when I mentioned quietly to him one day that just cuddling our daughter and holding her would calm her down almost every time, he was shocked and happy to know that. He had never seen his parents cuddle. Our daughter is a cuddler. He was trying to use logic with her! Sigh....men....LOL

We have a much more relaxed daughter now, who laughs and smiles much more readily. I have never asked about it or mentioned that conversation with her husband to either of them since.

Family can be very good! We sure love ours, and the more extended family in the proximity, the better! They have been there for us when we needed help, and we are certainly there for them.

 

Far FAR away. When I first got married, my parents where in California, my in-laws in Florida, and we lived in Illinois. That worked out great.

Now I have kids, and live in Austin, and sometimes wish I had family closer.

 

My wife and I moved 10 hours away from her parents to attend Bible college 4 months after we were married. We found it to be a trying but beneficial time for us.

For one year now, we have lived an hour away from my parents. After being 30 hours away from them for the last 10 years, we have not found this distance to be negative at all. It has been nice to have occasional opportunities for visits and childcare.

After seeing other families, I would say that getting away from mom & dad can be beneficial, but it shouldn't be the sole factor in leaving a church or a metropolitan area unless there are very extreme issues of control. It worked well for us to leave, but establishing yourself in view of family might help a couple learn to be more disciplined in the face of temptations.

my $.02.

 

I will tell you what has worked well with us:

When we first got married, we moved a state away from our parents. This allowed us the opportunity to leave and cleave and build a strong bond with each other which could not be manipulated and broken by our parents. After 5 years, we now live within 5 minutes of my parents and 2 hours from my wife's parent (her dad passed away several years ago). It works for us because we are established as a family unit and we stick by each other.

Joseph Botwinick

 

I always said the ideal distance is to be close enough to visit for the day, but be back home at night, but too far to just run visit without calling ahead to assure they/we were home!

My biggest problem was that my inlaws at one time lived only 30 minutes away, & it was not unusual for them just to show up on the doorstep with no warning. This aint good when you have plans, or just want to be alone & quiet after a rough day.

All in all though, I really have no complaints as both sides got along fine with each other and with us!!