Surviving as a deacon's wife.

Discussion in '2006 Archive' started by samarelda, Mar 20, 2006.

  1. samarelda

    samarelda
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    Does anyone else out there struggle with being a deacon's wife? ( Or maybe too as a pastor's wife). My husband has been a deacon for a year now and my role as a deacon's wife has been harder than I imagined. What made it hard right off the bat was about a month after my husband became a deacon, our church went through a really hard time. One of the deacons had resigned and about 2 months later it was found out that this deacon and a SS teacher were commiting adultery. Both of these people are close friends of our family. I was floored--never suspected a thing. They were even meeting after church in a room in the church basement. So sad, 10 children between the 2 families and the woman was pregnant at the time. The husband who was betrayed is so angry at the pastor and deacons and families because he was the last to know about it. There was suspision for a couple of weeks and the man involved was confronted but denied the charge. Later, a church member saw them parked in town kissing in the woman's van. The betrayed husband seems to feel the pastor and deacons are to blame. Pastor suspected for a while, but had no proof. It had been going on for a year and a half. The deacon and family left the church and both couples are still married, but their marriages seem so crippled.

    Anyway, where I come into it. It seems like some people in our church think a deacon's wife knows everything that goes on in deacon's meetings (I don't) and are always trying to get juicy details out of me. For the last year I haven't even answered my phone. I let the anwering machine get the calls and then pick up if I want. My sister is one wanting the latest details on whatever crisis our church might be going through. I am not a very confrontational person--I don't like to make waves--it is not my nature. I usually tell them (the nosey people) that I don't wish to discuss such topics but it gets so wearisome. I have been very careful about guarding my tongue. I keep telling my husband, "you can be a deacon, but I am not going to be a deacon's wife" [​IMG]

    Maybe it is because I am new at this or maybe it is just the timing. Do others have problems with people wanting to know juicy details and how do you get rid of them without being offensive or unkind? It never seems to end.
     
  2. PamelaK

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    samarelda - For first time-offenders I would go ahead and tell them I don't know and then suggest they should speak to your husband or you will hvae him contact them. Usually this nips it in the bud.
    Hopefully this will help as well with the others who have been continuing to ask, but I agree you shouldn't deal with any of this over the phone. Wait until they approach you in person. Otherwise, ignore them.
     
  3. TaterTot

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    oh yeah, people try to get me to tell things, too. ANd sometimes its really hard not to, to be honest. There was one situation where a wife confided in us that they had both had affairs, and when the husband found out that we knew, he didnt come to church for a long time. People poked and prodded to try and get me to talk. Some even made it sound as if the couple must be offended by my husband for some reason.

    Man, I WANTED to tell it then. But when you are in such touchy situations, you must keep it in. If you feel the need to tell things, you can post them here generically, (like I just did). Never tell what your husband confides in you. it could be detrimental.

    I have even found myself lying (saying "I dont really know") when I was trying to evade gossip buzzards. Thats not right either, and I dont suggest you do that. I have said that I cant discuss the issue, and have told them that if it was regarding THEIR issues, they'd want me to keep quiet as well.

    Best wishes. The benefits outweigh the negatives.
     
  4. PamelaK

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    samarelda, Just as a clarification, I was referring to those meeting issues that you already said you don't know. Tater is right - never lie to say you don't know about something if you do. She gave you a lot of great advice.
     
  5. Deacon

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    One of the first and perhaps the hardest lesson that should be taught to new pastors as well as new deacons (and their wives) is to maintain confidentiality.

    You are being a wise deacons wife by guarding your tongue.

    Through trials we grow.

    Maybe thats why Paul says of deacons, "For they that have used the office of a deacon well purchase to themselves a good degree, and great boldness in the faith which is in Christ Jesus." (1 Timothy 3:13 KJV)

    Rob
     
  6. MRCoon

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    One step further...if we apply this teaching to all Christians imagine the peace we will have in our Churches?! [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  7. Shiloh

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    Samarelda, I am not a deacons wife! I am a pastor. You sound like you have started out right. My suggestion to you as far as some coming to you for information. Tell them you are going to contact the pastor and he will call them with the info. That will stop it right now.
     
  8. bapmom

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    Samarelda,

    I would agree with Pamela and Tater wholeheartedly.

    You are doing the exact right thing to not say anything, but please do not let your fear of offending someone stop you from saying something if it needs to be said. You sound like a careful person, who thinks before she talks, and thats a wonderful attribute to have! I had one situation where a lady was actually offended at my husband and she decided that she wanted to complain to me about him. At first I tried to change the subject, but she kept at it, so I finally told her I wasn't going to discuss my husband with her and she ought to talk to him. I even then tried to continue in another subject. She did get offended, but I still believe I did the right thing. Sometimes doing right will offend.....in those cases we have to be tactful, but not back down.

    You should not feel like you can't talk to people....but those who are continually asking you need to be confronted. Especially your sister, since she's family and you are around her all the time, I think you ought to tell her how uncomfortable her constant questioning is making you feel. You know, just a quiet, calm discussion, not accusatory tone, but asking her to please make your life easier by not always having to know these details that she thinks you have.

    WIth the others who are after you all the time....you might even need to use the "G" word....tell them you don't want to gossip. God condemns gossip just as strenuously as lying and hatefulness.

    If you avoid the situation, than the gossipers will keep coming after you because they don't know for sure that you won't "crack" someday. You keep at it with a smile on your face, and you will earn the reputation of someone who doesn't share other people's details, and you will be shocked at how the questions drop off.
     
  9. Plain Old Bill

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    Samarelda and tater you are doing well.You might try saying something like this and you won't be lying. "I'm not privelaged to know every thing that goes on in the church, if you want to know the answer to your question why don't you ask the "pastor",Deacon","persons involved", that way you will get it right".
     
  10. MRCoon

    MRCoon
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    I asked my wife who married into a Pastor's family (My Dad was our Preacher before retiring) and who has been a Deacon's wife (and a few other hats I've worn) and so I asked her to write the comments below to share her thoughts on the issues. So consider these the MRSCoon's comments ;)
    -------------------------------------------------

    I guess my response would be this...when people call just be up front and honest and tell them you will not discuss anything you may know. Your husband is not in the position to write the local gossip column he is where God has placed him at this time of your lives. You, however unfair and nerve wrecking it may seem, are also called to hold the positon of the wife. It will sometimes keep you up at nights and make you want to cry on other nights but go to God and your husband.

    Posting situations (no matter how "general" they may be) is not a good idea for more reasons then I have time to write. The main one being on the off chance no one knows you or your screen name you have to honor the "code" that allows people their right to dicuss with you or your husband without the fear of someone accidentally seeing the private issue they felt lead of God to share in discipleship or counselling and not shared for forum posting...let's just say it GOSSIP.

    God will lead you if you stay in His word daily and know that even if we have a hard time here it is nothing to what He suffered in life and then on the cross.

    I'll be praying for you and God's wisdom.
     
  11. gb93433

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    There is one sure way to stop a gossip. The next time that happens just simply say, "Let me go get him so you can tell him."
     
  12. Deacon

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    I've stepped down from my role as a deacon for a season but when I was there I would rarely discuss church business with my wife.

    Sometimes she would be one of the last to know about those juicy situations that promote gossip.

    It only takes a short while to develop a reputation of 'not knowing' before people stop coming to you as a source.

    Rob
     
  13. samarelda

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    To MRCoon's wife:

    I had not thought of posting the details of our church situation on here as gossip, but I guess it is. I'm sorry. I feel really bad. The things I stated are common knowledge in our church, but I guess that is beside point. I won't be so specific again. The reason I told the story was because I was trying to show my specific situation. I didn't know if people always came to deacon's wives for info or if it was just because of this particular situation. My husband had just became a deacon in the midst of this and I am very ignorant. I guess I just didn't think. Thank you for your advice.
     
  14. MRCoon

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    From MRSCOON:

    I was not "pointing a finger" at what you wrote of. I just noticed that someone had suggested venting frustrations through posting here on this site. I was just saying that in true form to nature it is gossip for any future situations you and your husband may be blessed to handle. I can say that being a YaM's wife(youth and music director) along with being a decons wife and pastor's daughter in law has really allowed for some crazy and hard situations yet the Lord has blessed and seen me through. Not to say I didn't stumble or want to pull my hair out but I did find that talking to the Lord and my husband, who is the calmer of our union, helped greatly.

    Sometimes being in the ministry is a lonely road but I liked to spend that time getting to know the Lord and myself better. He has always been faithful to send a true Christian friend in my life who NEVER wanted to discuss what was deemed "off limits". I know going to Pensacola Christian College was a wonderful foundation for my life, yet how crazy are things when we are called to put them into practice. The Lord will bless your heart and your willing spirit to serve. Just take it one day at time and know "... for he hath said, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee"..Heb.13:5 or my life verse: Psalms 18:30 As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried; he is a buckler to all those who trust in him.

    Praying for you and knowing God will bless.
     
  15. samarelda

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    Well, I am not a Pastor's daghter in law, but I am a deacon's/music director/kid' club leader/church maintenence man's wife. [​IMG]


    Even though you weren't pointing a specific finger at me I still think I probably shouldn't have been so specific on here. I learned something and I thank you for your advice.

    We are going through a real financial crisis right now and I find myself over-sensitive. My fridge died this morning and we have no money to even have it fixed. My husband can fix just about anything so we will see. The Lord is seeng us through and He is always good. Yesterday I told the Lord I just can't do this any more--I feel like I am being beaten up by Satan. I was ready to go out and look for work, but I know that is not God's plan for our family. My girls are so great too. Yesterday, they told me to take the day off and they did everything for me--cooking, cleaning, laundry, helping each other with school. I spent some time on this board drawing encouragement and spent much time with the Lord. I needed that so much.

    Another job came through this morning for my husband which will just pay our mortgage due the end of this month. God is so faithful. We don't do credit cards. I can learn to live without a fridge a few days and the Lord will provide our needs.

    Thank you again for your advice. It is sound and I will take it to heart.
     
  16. computerjunkie

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    Forgive me for barging in as I am not a deacon's wife (or anybody's wife!), but I appreciate samarelda for starting this thread. I am on staff at my church, I have been here for 18 months and can't believe what has happened since I've been here. I often want to come here and "dump", but I don't want to say anything negative about my church as one never knows who is here and who might recognize the situation.

    But I will say, I have grown spiritually in ways that I would never have imagined! I am closer to the Lord than I have been in a long time. My quiet time and prayer life are wonderful, and they are getting better every day. I sometimes wondered why God led me to this particular job at the particular time He did, but I know now that I needed to grow. The situation at my church is a real mess, but I can honestly say I have risen above the "mess" and am able to look at it from a more Godly perspective, knowing that He is faithful.

    So please know that even though there may be things you are not able to share on here, God is working in your life, and His purpose in making you a deacon's wife is probably nothing like you would have expected! His purpose may be to work in YOUR life to make you more dependent upon Him for your strength. And by getting closer to Him and letting Him work in your life, you are able to better handle the current financial struggles you and your husband are experiencing.

    God bless you.
     

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