The effects of porn shock even former editor

Pornography is every bit as addictive as alcohol, drugs, or gambling. It is insidious in that it undermines the marital relationship from within, rather than from without. Men can view porn on their home computer while their wives are otherwise occupied fixing dinner, cleaning, or lying in bed reading a good book. The expectations of the "pleasure center" of the brain when actually engaging in marital relations fails to live up to the fantasy sexual encounters the man can have with "perfect" women in videos or photos. The result is, pornography provides the addict a better experience than the real thing. The mind makes the experience perfect, when the real encounters aren't always like that.

In addition, the search for pornography becomes similar to drug-seeking behaviors among cocaine or meth addicts, consuming huge blocks of time that would otherwise be spent productively at work. In fact, many men engage in pornography while at work because they don't run the risk of being discovered by their wives, though employers tend to be far more harsh than a spouse if such activity is discovered.

I've dealt with men who come to me with a substance addiction, but reveal a pornography addictions during treatment. Many have tablets or laptops their spouses and employers don't know about, and with free Wi-Fi everywhere now, they can engage in their search for porn without being discovered by either those at home, or those at work. They end up maxing out their brain's capacity to process the fantasy, and become obsessed with seeking out one of their "perfect" women through the hiring of prostitutes or cruising dives and low-life bars trying to find someone who will help them "live the dream."

Some -- though I've never personally had such a client -- resort to violent sex in the form of rape in order to fulfill their desires. Even if it doesn't go that far, pornography can become such an obsession that, just as alcohol, drugs, or gambling, it becomes the primary driving force in a person's life, leading them to abandon jobs, families, positions of authority and power. Pornography is the most personally destructive, insidious addiction there is, and it is also the most rapidly growing. We as Christian particularly need to be aware of it, as 50% of men in the church say they are addicted to pornography, nearly 70% of pastors pastors!!! report having engaged in the viewing of pornography on more than one occasion, and nearly 20% of Christian women report being addicted to it. Honestly, those numbers may be inflated by "Christian guilt." It may not really be an addiction, but it is of concern to those who engage in it. Nonetheless, there are still a lot of people in the church looking at pornography.

What do do? If you believe your husband (or you wife) might be addicted to pornography, don't accuse until you have some facts, either through the home computer's history, or through the discovery of a tablet or laptop you don't know about. You're not spying, you're saving your marriage. Lovingly and gently ask about the appearances implied or made factual by your discovery. Ask if there is anything you can do (and don't accept an answer along the lines of "engage in it with me," or "be more sexual"). Suggest CovenantEyes, a Christian-designed anti-pornography blocker, or a similar product designed to examine website content before delivering it to our screen. FireFox has a content blocker that will accomplish the same thing.

All these blocker programs give you an opportunity to bypass the filters by entering a password. The safest thing to do for any man or woman struggling with pornography is to let the spouse set up the password, and not tell anyone what it is. It removes temptation, because the person suffering from the addiction can't bypass the system.

If anyone has questions or concerns, you can PM me. I'll endeavor to answer them to the best of my abilities.

 

Couple more things: Both the pornography addict and the spouse need counseling. Get it as soon as possible. There is an excellent counseling program that has been detailed, tested, and peer reviewed that Christian counselor Steve Arterburn in Colorado Springs developed. Many Licensed Addictions Counselors (LAC) and Licensed Marriage and Family Counselors (LMFC) professionals have trained in this process and are helping families nationwide heal from pornography addiction.

Arterburn has written several books on the subject, the first and best-selling of them being Every Man's Battle, and my advice here is for everyone: Get it. Read it. Understand the problem, even if you don't have the problem. Someone you know does. Be ready to help.