Things said in court

Discussion in 'Clean Humor' started by John of Japan, Mar 30, 2010.

  1. John of Japan

    John of Japan
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    Still finding stuff in my files, like these gems:



    Things people actually said in court, word for word...


    Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

    Q: How old is your son the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

    Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499.Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

    Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: How about before the accident? A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

    Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

    Q: Did he kill you?

    Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

    Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

    Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

    Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?

    Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

    Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
     
    #1 John of Japan, Mar 30, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 30, 2010
  2. windcatcher

    windcatcher
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    :laugh::laugh::laugh:

    These are so funny!

    Makes one wonder what ARE they teaching in law school..... and can anyone apply?












    (sader to think some people's defense may depend on brilliance of this sort.)
     
  3. Salty

    Salty
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    Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?


    We obviously know the answer, but the way some lawyers are, they could try to twist the facts if it is not spelled out in black and white.

    Thats our legal system. :tear:
     
  4. John of Japan

    John of Japan
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    My favorite is the next to last one. :laugh:
     
  5. Carolina Baptist

    Carolina Baptist
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    Q: Sir, have you ever been convicted of a crime?
    A: Y-y-yessir.

    Q: What crime?
    A: It was an assault.

    Q: Who did you assault?
    A: It was a female.

    Q: Was it your wife?
    A: No sir. It was a female. (yep, he said it with an emphasis)

    I was a witness in this case. Even the judge laughed.
     
  6. John of Japan

    John of Japan
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    Laugh-out-loud funny! (And I did!) :laugh::laugh:
     
  7. kyredneck

    kyredneck
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    This a for real story that was in our local newspaper a few years ago concerning District Court in an adjoining county and the judge who happens to be the son-in-law of our pastor.

    The judge got fed up and made a statement along these lines; “I'm going to throw the book at the next one that comes up here in front of me and says that they had only had a 'couple of beers' when they were pulled over.”

    The next DUI offender, when asked how much he had to drink when he was pulled over answers, ' Well your Honor, it might've been one beer, or it could've been three, but it sure wasn't two!'
     
  8. John of Japan

    John of Japan
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    Loved it! :laugh::laugh:
     

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