I don't know, but the charismatic house meeting which I attend is slowly turning into a real torture. First of all it doesn't help me. I don't learn anything there. It's mostly about singing and chit chatting. And the singing is also terrible. During the worship when the others are standing there either clapping or having their arms raised I feel so absolutely miserable! I really feel like being in the wrong movie or being in a sect. It totally drags me down and everything simply seems so goofy and weird to me and then I think about wether God is also goofy if he likes this stuff or wether it's simply God's character that he's into such things. I mean why are so many people which are professing christians so weird? Is this because God is weird, too? Or does God like weird people? I think that this is totally repelling because when weird people talk about God and the bible and what God showed them and what they experienced with God and all this stuff then you cannot take this seriously at all, at least I can't. When I hear a person talk about what God is supposed to have done and the person is simply weird then I don't know what to think about this. I don't know if God is really doing all those things which they say he does or not. I don't know if they are simply weird and if they imagine these things or if they are real. But when they talk about the presence of God and how the Holy Spirit once again worked among them and how the presence was so strong then I can either think that they are simply imagining this or that God is really doing these things but somehow there are too many things which don't fit together. In this church which the house meeting belongs to there is so much stuff going on which is simply creepy and I cannot make these things fit together. How can God be working there and at the same time there's all this creepy stuff going on? This simply doesn't make sense. This is really the worst, when you're confronted with weird christians which seem to experience so much with God and then you cannot estimate at all if what they talk about is genuine or not. But the worst is simply that if such a weird person talks about God then it's not convincing or trustworthy at all. It's like a weird sectarian talking about what he experienced. You also wouldn't believe such a person. I know a few weird people in my kin and they believe in reincarnation and such things and they are so weird that you cannot take them seriously at all. Even if such a person came to me and swore that she saw something or heard something I couldn't believe it and it's the same problem with weird christians. If a person seems weird then she isn't useful as a witness anymore. Whatever this person says isn't believable. And when these people talk about what they experienced with God and what the Holy Spirit revealed to them and so on then I ask myself if not maybe all people which claim to experience God are simply weird. Somehow being weird and experiencing God seems to go hand in hand. Why does everybody seem to feel something and to feel God's presence except me? In these situations I can either think that it's simply because of me or that the others are simply imagining these things. And what I also noticed is that it's usually the women which talk the most about impressions and feelings and revelations and visions. I simply cannot take all this stuff seriously. Maybe women are more accessible for such things or maybe they are more emotional and rather imagine things. Somehow I can understand why the testimony of a woman wasn't much worth in biblical times. But what also drags me down is that I'm the only one who doesn't seem to enjoy worshipping. The others are all so overly happy and I'm the only one who sits there and feels like scratching out his eyes. I also cannot stand how overly happy and optimistic some persons are. I simply cannot stand it. Some seem to be always happy and never have any problems at all. This also doesn't seem realistic to me. When a christian is always totally happy then it rather seems strange to me as if this person is living in a dream world or simply indoctrinated or brainwashed. But the worst is really when you find yourself among christians and then you feel as if you're in a sect or among lunatics. This simply isn't a good testimony. When such people sing about Jesus and clap with their hands or when they stand there with their arms lifted in the air then it's simply offensive to me and if it's offensive to me how much more offensive and strange will it seem to an unbeliever? An unbeliever sees this and thinks that all christians are weirdos. I also don't like the whole singing because in these situations I really feel like I'm in a sect. Why do christians have to sing worship songs? I don't know but to me it's simply strange. Songs are usually all about creating emotions and freaking out. When I see such things then it doesn't really attract me. I think it's much more attracting when you see christians which really seem to be down to earth and which don't talk about such weird things. If such a christian talked about an experience then it's a totally different thing. But if a weird christian talks about experiences then you directly think that it's either imagination or maybe deception.