When the Pastor is offended

Discussion in 'Pastoral Ministries' started by DeanPastor, Nov 24, 2004.

  1. DeanPastor

    DeanPastor
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2003
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    0
    How should the Pastor respond when a church member offends him by something they say or do.... here is my situation

    I was confronted by one of my deacons because I did not mention from the pulpit this last Lords Day anything concerning his local High School Football's team accomplishments in the state playoffs. I have about 5 families in my congregation from the neighboring school district. (97%) of our families live in another school district, which is representative of our church (about 60 students). This brother lives in the one that is has te 5 families and is also represented in our church by 1 student. However, there has been a history of jealousy between the two districts and even families in our church (I know this is veeerrryyy small...but hey, this is Texas and we are talking about High School football)...anyway, this brother confronts me in front of my secretary...his anger comes from the fact that we do allot with our own school district in the way of recognition, and the fact that the majority district has had a lot of success in the past three years (Won State last year) Here is an example of what was said "All we ever hear is ****** this and *******that...we finally do something in ****** High School and not a word from the pulpit" "I am very disapointed in you pastor"

    Well anyway...I was angered by his tone, the way he approached me...and the absolute silliness of it all. I am not asking is he right or wrong...but I did respond rather shortly and somewhat pointed that I am not in the cheerleading business and that this is a non-issue to me. FACT IS.... I WAS OFFENDED! I preached Sunday morning with 102 temp and a barely audible voice and all this guy can say is "You did not mention my team!"

    My question is this...do you feel I should apologize for my shortness with him and should I share my anger with his attitude in more detail with him? Should I just let it go? I know Jesus very rarely responded to this kind of criticism. Do I just need to GROW UP myself? The hard part is he is a good guy...and he is also my friend...I don’t know why this has bothered me so much and I am really looking for Godly Council.

    I guess I was just blinsided by it all...and I just do not do well with pettynes....in others or myself.

    Thanks for your thoughts and God bless
     
  2. ScottEmerson

    ScottEmerson
    Expand Collapse
    Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2002
    Messages:
    3,417
    Likes Received:
    0
    Take him out to lunch and talk things out. This is a great growing opportunity for him and possibly you as well. Apologize for being short and explain yourself. Texas football, as big as it is, is not supposed to distract from the gospel, nor is it supposed to cause dissention in the church.

    But I'd reach out to him. My prayer is the your fellowship with your friend can be re-established, and ultimately strengthened.
     
  3. Deacon

    Deacon
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member
    Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2002
    Messages:
    6,974
    Likes Received:
    129
    The worst thing to do is nothing. It will let things simmer, causing resentment and eventually strife.

    Go to him as a brother and with gentleness, tell him how you feel...and be ready to listen to him when he tells you how he feels.

    You need your deacons to be supportive of you. This doesn't mean that you need to pander to them but it certainly means that you listen to them when they have concerns.

    Matthew 5:22-24

    Rob
     
  4. Gib

    Gib
    Expand Collapse
    Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2003
    Messages:
    27,256
    Likes Received:
    13
    Lead by example. Apologize. It is the right thing to do to mend the riff. If he doesn't accept, no one can say you didn't do the christian thing. If he doesn't accept, you may have a whole other set of issues.

    Am learning that some deacons shouldn't be deacons. Some are just adult men that lack spiritual depth and strap on the title like a meddling deputy ready to make everyone tremble by his long arm of the law.
     
  5. Link

    Link
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2004
    Messages:
    695
    Likes Received:
    0
    Discussion over a meal sounds like good advice. If he eats your food in your home or if you pay for the meal, it may make it all that much harder for him to get out of shape, especially is the food is good. [​IMG]

    My sociology professor in college said that there were three religions in the south: Baptist, Methodist, and football. Feel free to use that in your conversation.
     
  6. scubablt

    scubablt
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2004
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    WOW! Wouldn't being a pastor be great and much easier if it weren't for the people! Ha. I hope by now that this rude man has not told everyone in his circle of influence, "how rude and hateful the pastor was to me." I am not saying you were, I am just saying that may be how he feels. I hope his selfishness has not negatively affected your ability to pastor the rest of the people in your church... I will pray it HAS NOT. I hope he comes to his senses and backs off his silly tirade of petty thoughts and actions!

    I hope he had enough sense to not spread around false information that will only make this very petty thing grow BIGGER. I have been where you are, too, and it hurts to have a church member get mad or upset about something so small and insignificant! I have had people get mad because we did not announce 'that a person had left their car lights on during church!' So, lets deal with it after church by giving them a boost... lets not interrupt church to announce it! I have had them get mad because 'we did not announce the Lion's club taco dinner at the high school' next Thursday night at 5:00 pm! Well, let the Lion's club promo their own taco dinner... I have a God to glorify and worship and preach about! Plus, the Lion's club does NOT invite people to our church and promo our church events at their weekly meetings, do they?!? I think it comes down to people being unknowingly selfish, and they mistake our lack of "juming on their personal-interests band wagaon" as not caring for them... but we do... as their pastor we do. That is what this man needs to know You care about him, love him in the Lord, and you do not want this event to affect your relationship with him in any way. So, do whatever it takes to make that happen, get back on his good-graces, and turn it over to God. Maybe lunch is good. Send him a note apologizing, and try to move on. But, afterall, as pastors, we have to take the attitude of a salesman -- "The customer is always right!" Even when they are NOT, we hve to treat them in love, grace, and as a dear sheep who is merely lost, and ignorant in what and how to say something.

    God Bless,
    BLT
     
  7. DeanPastor

    DeanPastor
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2003
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    0
    These are all great suggestions, and they simply confirm what I really already knew...

    Thanks guys
     
  8. DeanPastor

    DeanPastor
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2003
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hey Scuba...Houston is my hometown...what aprt are you from?
     
  9. exscentric

    exscentric
    Expand Collapse
    Active Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2004
    Messages:
    4,253
    Likes Received:
    16
    Some good ideas, but I'd add one. When you know how important Texas football is, congratulate all or none for accomplishments. If it was an oversight then apologize, if it was because you thought it insignificant to praise one then maybe rethink things.

    I'd address his anger as well, as it is not becoming a deacon.

    Not sure both of you going to the secretary wouldn't be a good idea so that she has benefit of seeing leaders settling things properly - assuming deacon is receptive :)
     
  10. DeanPastor

    DeanPastor
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2003
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    0
    If I was to do that I would be congratulating 7 differant football teams, not to mention setting a pattern for all the oher sports....last I checked on my sign we were a church, not the sports editorial page. Our local school district gets the majority of attention because 97% percent of our folks send their kids there.
     
  11. exscentric

    exscentric
    Expand Collapse
    Active Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2004
    Messages:
    4,253
    Likes Received:
    16
    Then the "none" would be the best option. :)

    Actually, your thought on it being a church was my first thought but didn't want to get my nose bashed in by a big Texan :)

    A church we once attended put up a big bulletin board that was dedicated to membership accomplishments/honors etc. and it worked nicely, thus that sort of thing wasn't taken to the worship service.

    Guess we ought to get back to worship rather than the other stuff. Our pastor ahwile back commented that we seem to do too much people stuff in our churches and take the attention off of God. He then promptly asked everyone to greet one another and started the controlled caos that goes with that :)
     
  12. DeanPastor

    DeanPastor
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2003
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    0
    You cant just ignore these kind of things...your people are excited about it and there is nothing wrong with that...in fact, there is nothing wrong with mentioning his team...the issue was the way he aproached me and the fact that I was very offended (if not hurt)

    My questio realy is "How does a pastor respond when HE is offended" There is a double standard but I fear it is one we are CALLED to live with.

    (ENDNOTE)

    I talked to him today, apologized, and at the same time explained my position. He likewise apologized and shared his...we then had prayer together, hugged, and talked about if the Cowboys had a chance against the Bears tommorw....only in Texas!
     
  13. Deacon

    Deacon
    Expand Collapse
    Well-Known Member
    Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2002
    Messages:
    6,974
    Likes Received:
    129
    This reminded me of what my pastor said in last Sunday's sermon; [originally spoken after he commented about how peaceful his kids looked when they were sleeping],
    "I can get along with anybody as long as one of us is sleeping." :rolleyes:

    Rob
     
  14. ScottEmerson

    ScottEmerson
    Expand Collapse
    Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2002
    Messages:
    3,417
    Likes Received:
    0
    Well, the Cowboys won, so you ended in agreement! [​IMG]
     
  15. DeanPastor

    DeanPastor
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2003
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    0
    NO WAY!!!!!!!! I am a TEXAN Fan! hehehehe
     
  16. Rev. Phil Parrish

    Rev. Phil Parrish
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2004
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    0
    Nip it in the bud! Deacons are hard to please as it is. Don't bring the things of the world into the church. Apologize to the church for ever mentioning such things from behind the pulpit. Let the deacons deac, the preachers preach, and the pastor pastor. Keep the pulpit holy and not polluted with such worldly concerns.
     
  17. dh1948

    dh1948
    Expand Collapse
    Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2003
    Messages:
    550
    Likes Received:
    0
    Beats me how church members think they can say anything they wish to the pastor and/or his family and it not affect the way he or his family feels about them.
     
  18. Hardsheller

    Hardsheller
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2002
    Messages:
    3,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sometimes people attack the preacher because they want to see if he'll take the bait so they can really launch into an all out assault.

    Usually when someone is upset with me - it's not about me but about something going on in their lives.
     
  19. gb93433

    gb93433
    Expand Collapse
    Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2003
    Messages:
    15,496
    Likes Received:
    6
    Isn't that amazing! They would say things to a pastor that they would never say to their boss at work. But people will say and do things in the church that you could never imagine anywhere else. But the crazy thing is how others will stand around and watch the pastor get abused by those idiots and say nothing to them.

    I feel sorry for those people who feel it is their duty to say bad things about others because they have to live with themselves.
     
  20. Archeryaddict

    Archeryaddict
    Expand Collapse
    New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2004
    Messages:
    317
    Likes Received:
    0
    What does the accomplishments of a local football team have to do with the spreading of the gospel?

    Sounds like this deacon needs to get his priorities in order.

    I see nothing wrong with giving honorable mention to the local football team if you were asked by the deacon to recognize them but if no one mentioned it do they expect you to be a mind reader?

    I suppose that is why I have not been called as a pastor to comfort the afflicted,
    I have been called to evangelize, to afflict the comforted. 80)
     

Share This Page

Loading...