There is a book entitled Why Godly People do UnGodly Things by Beth Moore. While I haven't read the book yet but hope to soon as I need answers, I have to wonder why we as Christians do the things we do sometimes. I have been a Christian since the age of 8 - a million years so you would think after being raised in a Christian home and reading my Bible and praying for all of these years that I would know better then to do some of the things I have done the last 10 yrs of my life. I was married for 26 yrs in a bad marriage that I tried hard to stay in but for the sake of survival knew I had to get out of. In SC it takes a year to get divorced except under certain circumstances which I really did not have. I had a hard time with this, as divorce was not in my vocabulary - not for this little Christian lady. But I knew that I was not happy and I knew that marriage was not supposed to be as it was between us. We had sought counseling but that only worked for a short time. I spent countless times on my knees asking God to change me, change him, help me to love him as I should, tried to be the wife I was supposed to be but nothing seemed to be right, nothing seemed to satisfy him. So there came a day when I felt I had no choice but to leave or someone would wind up being dead. Now I've told this story on this forum before but I'm trying to make a point - I think. After my divorce ( and this is confession time) I met someone and for 3 years maybe more, we had a relationship. I won't call it an affair because it was more than that. He was and still is married but no longer lives in the area. What I had with him was what I had always wanted in my marriage but never had. I spent times on my knees about this relationship also as I knew as a Christian it was wrong. We had kind of come to a point in our relationship that I think we both were trying to cut loose, when someone else came into my life that I thought might be right but that also was wrong - he was not married, and then one more and then the man I am married to now. It was as though, I had to sow my wild oats after the age of 40. The first 2 yrs of my marriage to my husband now was good even though we were not young people. But then there was sickness in my family and I received custody of my grandchild and much went on and it put alot of stress on our marriage. It put such stress that for the last 4 yrs, I have not known if we were going to be able to continue in this marriage. Part of it was selfishness on his part, part of it was my not wanting to take anything off of anybody after having to go through what I did the first time. Last Dec. he left for Kuwait, which he wanted to do ,and I was ready or him to do something. So he sent to work for a private contractor. At that time we thought he would be going to Iraq and that he would be gone a year. We stayed up most of the night, the night before getting him ready to go as he is a last minute person (drives me nuts). We had not been "together" for quite some time nor the night before and here he was going to be gone a year - I did not understand. When we got to the airport, I did not realize I would not be able to go through the security to stay with him until he left and I began to cry and for what reason I don't know. When all had gone through the security, the lady that was one of the security guards let me come in and say good bye through the glass. He says it was at that point that God changed his heart towards me. I went home and began to adjust to not having him around to help me with my grandchild and everything else. I was working 3 days a week as a school nurse but spending more hours at home doing paper work. In about Feb. after he had been gone for 2 mos.I started communicating with someone I went to school with and had not seen in 40 yrs. He had, had a son to die and I knew this and after emailing back and forth for a couple of weeks and talking on the phone, we decided to meet at the cemetary where our children are buried to see each other. For me it was just going to see someone I had not seen in a very long time, but something clicked between us and we began seeing each other quite frequently but always at the cemetary. Nothing ever happened between us but it could very well have but my husband who is quite nosey, read some of my emails - even in Kuwait and he immediately emailed this person and that pretty much put a stop to our friendship. I did not want to give that friendship up and it made me quite angry that here he never cared where I went or what I did before he left and now he all of a sudden CARED? So it has taken me some time to get over that and to want to try again with my husband.(by the way, he came home after 4 mos.) I have not had my heart in it(my marriage) and just by chance I began on another forum that is not a Christian forum and I thought I knew alot about the Bible but have found out that the atheist are much more studied than I am and that I am not a very good debater at all. Somehow once again I became acquainted with a gentleman on this forum and how you can feel something for someone you've never met, I don't have a clue but something began to develope. So we too decided to meet one another and of course in a public place. We had a good talk and I had hoped we could be friends but it has not worked out that way. He had told me about this forum and I knew I had to quit the other forum because it was really stressing me out. Now, I have been once again "dumped" and I am wondering what in the world is wrong with me? I am a married woman, he is a married man - what is it about me that has me seeking, but not realizing that's what I'm doing, after something that is wrong, for anybody, but especially a Christian? I realize we still are not perfect even as Christians but to be possibly willing to want something that could cause hurt to more than one person, I am beginnng to believe I must be absolutely crazy. My dad died last year and for the last 5 weeks of his life, I read the Bible to him in the middle of the night and sang (not that I can sing) and just had fellowship with him, when he couldn't sleep. I would get on my knees and ask God not to allow his suffering to go on and yet when he died, I felt lost. For 5 weeks I had no rest, during the day or at night and then he was gone and I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know if I was going to go back home as things were not good between my husband and myself or what to do. I had no job and didn't feel that I could work full time because of my Parkinson's Disease. I am an RN and a good one but I am physically not able to do long hours and the physical part of nursing anymore. But all of that is beside the point. My most recent friend whom I've only met once, has decided to not allow me to PM him and I'm not sure why as I was not going to abuse the priviledge or if he thought we would wind up doing something we shouldn't. So since this is a Christian forum, some of you who are more studied in the Bible and Christianity, tell me Why do Chrisitans, Godly people who love the Lord, do UnGodly things? Why can't we be happy in our situations? What make us so dissatisfied? My husband and I are seeking counseling and have been for some time. I don't know if we will make it or not. He says he loves me but there is still that mistrust that I believe he has in me and I in him - not because of another woman but because of other things that he has done to make me feel unloved and not a real partner/ helpmate that I know I am supposed to be. I feel that maybe I should leave this forum as well as it hurts my heart to know that my friend no longer wants to be a even a friend and yet I do understand. I hope that he will forgive me for whatever I have done and for not standing firm and being the Christian that I know that God wants me to be. I realize this has been long and maybe I should not have even written it but sometimes I think we all need to confess that we are not perfect because there may be someone else out there who is in trouble and needs someone to understand and talk to. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I ask for your prayers and I also thank those of you who had the insight to have a Christian forum. It's so good to hear good things instead of the hatefulness you hear on the non-christian forums. You all are great!