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A Dad Decision

Discussion in 'Prayer Requests & Praise' started by no-longer-lost, Jul 31, 2009.

  1. no-longer-lost

    no-longer-lost New Member

    Apr 12, 2009
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    My dad has some health problems that now make it such that he cannot live alone. His social security a month is 1K and he only has medicare. We are applying for Medicaid, and if approved it will allow me to place him in a long term care facility, but I hate to do that do him. He is not he kind of person that will fair at well there, sharing a room with someone, feeling like he has been put out to pasture. He is very coginitive at times, but needs alot of care that I feel like only a love one can give. I am the only family he really has that will take care of him and his cancer is not severe yet, but has been getting worse the last 6 months and I feel like his colon may be removed in its entirety by the end of the year.

    He currently rents a house very cheap that he feels at home in and peaceful about. Here is my question. I could quit my job and with my savings and his social security, I could live with him for probably 2 maybe 3 years, and take care of him. Which might be the last two years of his life. This would give him a good quality of life here at the end and I love my dad so much that I would want him to feel so loved by his child in his last years. His daily needs include supervision, helping him go to the bathroom, feeding him, etc. If I had to leave for a bit during the day, a friend could sit with him while I was gone.

    My heart is breaking about putting in the care of some facility that medicaid will pay for. He has had a life of loss and lonlieness and I don't want him to have that during his final time.

    I am hoping that others in similiar situations will respond with advice as I am just trying to talk this thing out and leave it at God's feet for His will.
  2. jilphn1022

    jilphn1022 New Member

    May 8, 2007
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    Welcome no-longer-lost to the board!
    There are many of us who have the same concerns that you are having for your dad.

    Yes, we will pray.

    Dear Lord, we pray for the needs of this poster for dad.
    Pray that you will have help this poster to know what is best for dad.
    We pray this in Jesus' Name. Amen
  3. padredurand

    padredurand Well-Known Member
    Site Supporter

    Oct 25, 2004
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    My mother died in April 2008. Soon after, my father came to live with my wife and me. There was a period of adjustment for all of us. Our disabled son decided living with Grandpa was too much for him so he moved to a group home in a nearby village. Dad did well the first six months. At age 82 he was walking nearly a mile a day. He missed his wife of 61 years but was determined to live out his remaining days as full as possible.

    I was in my office one Saturday morning last fall when Dad appeared in the doorway. He tried to communicate that something was wrong but could not speak clearly. The long and short of it was Dad had a stroke. Coupled with many other health issues the family (siblings) decided it that Dad needed more care than we could give him at home.

    It was not an easy decision. We had to weigh all the possibilities and make the decision that was in the best interest of Dad. He hated being away from a home environment. He always refers to the nursing home as that place. As time goes on he is adjusting to his living arrangements.

    At first, my wife and I felt like we had failed. We felt as if we had let Dad down and didn't keep our promise to Mom that we would take good care of him. The reality is that he is being well cared for. He has a nurse just a button push away. He is free to go out on activities with the staff. He can go to church, shopping or out to dinner with family or friends. It's funny that he is the one with a curfew now!

    Above all :godisgood: and He will take the best care of your father too!

    I recommend reading My Parents, My Children by Cecil Murphy. It is an unembelished look at the complexities of becoming a caregiver for a parent.
    #3 padredurand, Jul 31, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 31, 2009
  4. jilphn1022

    jilphn1022 New Member

    May 8, 2007
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    Thanks, padredurand from your family's experience. I plan to share this
    with my siblings and I am sure others have been helped by your words.
  5. SaggyWoman

    SaggyWoman Active Member

    Dec 15, 2000
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    I am a single woman with two siblings. I guess I am the "primary caretaker" of my parents (well, my dad is no longer living, but when he was alive, I was. ) My brother hasn't settled down yet and travels a lot. My sister has great anger towards my mother and has not had real contact with my mother since my father's death five years ago.

    So here I am.

    My mom needs more nursing care than I can handle, with or without a job. I purchased a house, hoping that maybe my parents could come live with me, but my mom's health took a turn for the worse, and my father couldn't be left a lone during the day. Plus, at that time, I worked all day and sometimes had odd hours in the evening. My mom would like me to care for her, but she is alert and knows that really isn't an option.

    Long story short, though difficult, my mom chose to go to nursing care. My dad suffered from dementia, and his situation was more difficult for me because it was more supervision rather than nursing care. He died about 10 months after he went to assisted living. (old age and cancer.)

    Having said all that, what ever you do, it isn't an easy row to hoe. I wish I could have taken care of my dad.... but I didn't. I don't know that I could (though I know
    God offers grace), but we couldn't get by on his Social Security. Plus, after a while, my patience wears thin....

    I will pray for you in this decision.
  6. jilphn1022

    jilphn1022 New Member

    May 8, 2007
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    I appreciate what you have written SaggyWoman!
    Our family is facing a similiar problem.
    One of my sisters has been caring for my mom while my dad
    is in a rehab/nursing home.
    Recently my caregiver sister's husband was taken to the hospital
    where he had a pacemaker surgery.
    On the same week my other siblings had children in the hospital or were
    on vacation. I am out-of-town and my husband recently had surgery.
    My dad was quite upset when his "dream" to go home was interrupted by
    on the siblings telling him that he is being transferred to another nursing
    home. There was an opening in this rehab/nursing for a couple and my mom
    says that she cannot go there because she has a dog and she can manage
    at her home.

    Please pray for our family.
    We agree it is not easy to put your parents in a nursing home
    and it is not easy caring for them when the siblings' children or
    mates are rushed to the hospital.

    God is faithful!
    Thanks for your prayers for us and and no-longer-lost! I am sure there are
    other posters who have heavy hearts concerning aging and ill parents too.