Christian jokes and Funny Events in my Churches

(1) Mabel, an elderly lifelong Methodist, was visiting her son and attending the Sunday service of her son's Baptist church. At the start of the service, the pastor bellowed, "I see quite a view visitors this morning. How many of you are NOT Baptist? Will you please stand up?" The other visitors seemed too timid to respond and only Mabel stood up. The pastor then asked her, "What denomination are you, dear?" "I'm a Methodist." "And why are you a Methodist?" "Because my mother was a Methodist and my Dad was a Methodist and my grandparents were Methodists. So I'm a Methodist." The pastor replied disdainfully. "That's ridiculous. Suppose I said, "My mother was a moron and my father was a moron and my grandparents were morons" What would that make me?" Mabel dryly replied, "That would make you a Baptist!"

 

After this post I will shift to hilarious actual instances that occurred in church I attended, pastored, or heard of from acquaintances. But first 3 sick religious cartoons that appealed to my admittedly bizarre sense of humor:

(1) In one cartoon, a pastor is portrayed in the pulpit beginning his sermon. He begins:
"My text today is on the first words of the Bible--"Genuine Moroccan Leather."

(2) In the other cartoon, a man with a brief case in a suit and tie is walking down the sidewalk when a booming deep voice from Heaven suddenly addresses him, "Harry John Snodgrass!" Trembling, Harry meekly replies, "Yes, Lord." Then God replies, "Have a nice day!"

(3) You may remember "The Far Side" cartoon strip. My favorite features demons with horns and red tights in a cave in Hell. You can see the damned in torment outside the cave and inside it you can see caged victims about to be released into Hell. The demons are laughing their heads off. Why? Because they have a Suggestion Box next to them and are reading the suggestions of the damned. Somehow this bizarre image struck me as hilarious.

OK, back to reality. In our local paper, I saw a real photo of a church bulletin board in an Arizona desert town during July heat. It actually read: 'You think it's hot here?!"

 

I just remembered a favorite Mark Twain quote I used in a sermon on Heaven. Here is an interaction that this famed writer'/ humorist reportedy had with an aggressive evangelical. The Christian asked him, "When you die, what do you hope and expect will happen to you?" The ever earthy Twain replied, "Well, I would choose Heaven for the climate and Hell for the company."

 

At last I now shift my focus to funny incidents that actually happened in churches I attended or pastored.
(1) I was a young teenager and Pastor B was preaching on John the Baptist. Now Pastor B was a fine preacher, but he had no sense of humor. So I was shocked when in the midst of his sermon he blurted, "And Jordan baptized Jesus in the John." Unaware of what he had just said, he continued as if nothing unusual had happened. What made this even more hysterical to me is the fact that the congregation just sat there stone-faced after his blooper. I thought to myself, "Haven't they been listening?"

(2) Then about a year later Pastor B was preaching on King Saul's jealousy of David. At one point in his sermon he exclaimed, "And there David stood in the gates of the sanctuary, breathless and pantless!" Once again, he moved on to his next point, unaware of his blooper; and once again, the congregation just sat there, stone-faced. After about 5 minutes a young man looked back in my direction with a wicked grin on his face. I thought to myself, "Well, at least he was listening and heard the blooper!"

Later when I became a pastor myself, my diabolical mind nurtured this fantasy. If and when I got the chance to be a guest preacher in a church that didn't really know me, it would be fun to preach a sermon that contained all the best bloopers preachers have committed and to move on as if I was oblivious to what I just said. The key would be to make those bloopers seem a natural byproduct of my sermon's flow of thought and then to move on, so that the congregation thought I was unaware of any of these bloopers and felt constrained to be polite in their muted reaction.

 

NEW CHURCH: FIRST IMPRESSIONS

(1) It was my first Sunday in the pulpit and I was eager to make a good impression. Suddenly I was awakened by a loud knock at the door. It was my church secretary frantically asking why I hadn't shown up at church. Panicked, I realized I had slept through my alarm! Fortunately, that old parsonage was adjacent to the church. No pastor has ever dressed in his best suit and tie as quickly as I did that day! I ran inside the church, unshaven. When I arrived at the pulpit, the congregation just howled with laughter. Sometimes when things go so bad they go so good! My eccentric tardiness actually endeared me to those people and made my jokes work better.

(2) A young fellow pastor was also excited about his first Sunday in his new church. This church had an elevated pulpit in nosebleed country with a flight of stairs. This pastor was used to a flat platform with ample room to roam for dramatic effect. Well, he finally ascended the pulpit to preach. As a he got excited, he did what he always did--he stepped back, readly to roam. But he forget about the stairs and fell backwards, rear end over tea kettle, groaning in discomfort and embarrassment! Fortunately, he suffered only sore bones and was able to continue his sermon. The cpngregation gasped and then gave him their riveted attention, wondering what might happen to this klutzy pastor next.

Most congregations can't recall their pastor's first Sunday. But I and my pastor friend are a dramatic exception. Our first Sundays became legends for the ages!



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ANIMALS IN CHURCH:

My next 4 posts will feature animal incidents in 2 Methodist churches I have pastored. In this thread I'll post 2 incidents from my first church and in my next thread I'll post 2 incidents from my most recent church:

(1) My first church lacked air conditioning, and so, they left the front door open for a hot Sunday morning service and stationed a large fan in the center aisle near the back. In the middle of the service a curious black cat entered, wandering down the center aisle. Suddenly the tip of the cat's tail got caught in the fan and the cat yelped and leapt high in the air, prompting several screams from the congregation! A wonderful wake-up call for those who were on the verge of dozing off!

(2) On another Sunday, a large bat was sound asleep, attached high up a wall in the sanctuary. The ushers decided not to try to remove it until the end of the service. Well, you might say I sometimes preach as if truth can be measured in decibels and my sermon woke the bat up! It started dive-bombing the ladies in the front rows, prompting screams and, more importantly, a high state of alertness! Every pastor should have a sanctuary bat to keep parishioners awake during his sermons.