Dating or Courting?

Yeah Chemintz... your experiences did not happen and your attitudes are not what you think they are because a book about dating says so.

If you disagree with the book you're wrong!

Sounds like a cult to me.

 

Chemnitz said that dating and courting are the same thing. I said that was wrong. I never said his experiences are wrong.

And to your second comment- two words: The Bible

[ November 06, 2002, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: Bro. Adam ]

 

I'm making up my own.
You're all wrong, it's neither courting nor dating.
The legal term should be "maritally challenged persons of opposite sex seeking to find companionship for life".
Actually, I think if you're gonna start adding bible to the whole dating/courting thing and try to follow what it says as close as possible, you need to let your father pick the bride, perhaps with the advice of a matchmaker.
Gina

 

You were not clear about what you said was wrong in your previous post... you simply said Chemnitz was wrong. Now that you have clarified your meaning, I retract that critique.

But I agree with Chemnitz... The process of courting sounds just like dating (assuming you follow Christian morals and have healthy attitudes toward people of the opposite sex).

Um... the Bible doesn't condemn dating customs... unless your custom is sexual sin.

Frankly, the biblical custom seems to be arranged marriages, but even that is not mandated on God's people.

The idea of my mother and father chosing a wife for me frightens me because it would have surely led to disaster. My parents and I have *very* different personalities. I dated girls they really liked back in high school and college, but I could not get along with them very well because they did not understand my artistic bent and my unwillingness to compromise on social/moral issues just to get "ahead" in society. The thought of being married to a woman who is looking to climb the ladder of "success" in religious life would be the end of my ministry.

[ November 06, 2002, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: Baptist Believer ]

 

1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily commitment.
If you are referring to sex, this statement is incorrect. I'm currently single and dating, and am not sexually active (by choice).

2. Dating tends to skip the "friendship" stage of the relationship.
I'll have to disagree. The general concensus of people who date is a desire for a friendship as part of the date.

3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
No, sex often mistakes a physical relationship for love.

4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.
Again, I disagree. Dating teaches people how to effectively interact with people of the opposite gender in a respectful manner.

5. Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future.
Learning how to appropriately interact with people of the opposite sex, and deal with feelings of attraction to those people, is an important part of preparing for the future.

6. Dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness.
Perhaps, but dating can properly instruct a person in tools needed in God's gift of marriage. Besides, it could be argued that singleness can cause discontentment with God's gift of marriage.

7. Dating creates a artifical environment for evaluating another persons character.
I disagree. Two people learning how to appropriately interact in a dating setting is anything but artificial.

I'm disappointed how many people think that dating is about sex. Certainly, there is so much more to a dating relationship than sex. I'm also surprised at how much emphasis seems to be put on girls and dating, as though boys need not be taught appropriate dating techniques.

[ November 06, 2002, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: Johnv ]

 

Certainly... my parents were always involved in the process. Of course they didn't like my love the first few times they met her because she wasn't like what my parents expected her to be (just like my mother), but now they've had a chance to she in her what I see in her and she is now very much a dearly loved part of the family.

Yes. Very true. But desperation to be with a member of the opposite sex (for social status, sex, loneliness, etc) is a symptom of a problem with the person, not dating customs.

I did that all along and we called it "dating" and being a Chrirtian too. Sounds like instead of fighting over "dating" vs. "courting" we should be discussing a Christian way to date.

Again, a problem with the person (self-esteem issues), not dating customs.

That's not a bad thought, but I think the problem is more basic.

Many men don't respect themselves. Many men don't respect women (because of a culture of objectification and women who don't respect themselves). Many women don't respect themselves (because of the obsession of popular culture on appearances/weight/radical feminism). Women don't take charge of who they are and the terms of the relationship (because of old-fashioned ideas about how men are supposed to ask women out and women are supposed to follow the man's lead in dating/women are allegedly responsible for setting limits to sexual activity, etc.)

I agree with what you say except to add that I think teenage non-serious dating is okay too as a way for teens to get to know how to deal with the opposite sex.

But again... you're talking about the attitudes and actions of people, not dating customs themselves. To me, this whole issue seems to be between those who are shifted part of the blame for their moral/attitude failures to dating customs instead of taking responsibility to acting Christianly in that aspect of life. It's like blaming Ford Motor Company for building cars that have reclining seats because sometimes teens get pregnant while in the car.

 

It's like blaming Ford Motor Company for building cars that have reclining seats because sometimes teens get pregnant while in the car.

I thought for sure the stereotype was the Volkswagen Beatle, and in the back seat. I can't sit in the back seat of a bug without being squished, let alone do anything else back there

 

I did type Volkswagen and was going to mention the Beetle, but I decided to go with a domestic make because I can't even fit in the back of a Beetle.

 

Dating had nothing to do with the sinful thinking, my own sinful nature had to do with the sinful thinking. To blame a concept/institution for your own sin is only shuffling the blame. Dating does not cause sex, intimacy before commitment, mistreatment of opposite sex, or any of the other assumed problems with dating that courting, which is another name for dating, supposedly solves. Our sinful nature causes those things.

[ November 06, 2002, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: Chemnitz ]

 

Well....I must agree with you, Molly, and I'm not sure why people(not you Molly) have associated intimacy with sex, especially assuming that Bro. Adam was associating intimacy with sex. I have read through this entire thread, which took a while since I'm a pretty slow reader, but I also never read that Adam said that dating meant sex, nor did he say that dating led to sex... So, when replying, please reply to what is down on "paper" and not what isn't there.

~Teresa~

 

I don't think anyone here has said that what some people call "courting" is a bad way to do things. Just not the only way.

Teresa, Adam - certainly the way you have conducted your relationship (from what we read here ) is wonderful. I don't think anyone's trying to take anything away from you, or call the method you chose wrong or bad.

But that's what a lot of us are hearing from you (no, I'm not referring to specific comments, rather a general attitude about the subject), without much indication that dating (as has been described here) isn't bad. Or maybe some people have been courting and just didn't know it?

Certainly, some valid points have been made pointing to the negativity of the way some (maybe many or even most) people date. I just find it very interesting that a new name has to be applied when some couples decide to do dating differently. I guess, to some, it really does matter what you call it.

It seems to me that what I would call "dating" is done before the "courting" process begins. I mean, I date (not always one on one) in order to get to know someone. If not by spending time with another person, how would you (anyone) suggest getting to know one another? And I can't imagine committing to marriage (which is what I understand courting is, in essence) without knowing the other person. See, I would call "courting" an extra step between dating and engagement. In fact. it seems like "courting" is simply being "pre-engaged." Or am I missing something? Serious question, here.

Certainly, other differences have been named that may not be inherent to dating, but certainly dating is not to the exclusion of familial involvement (one of the biggies, it seems).

The purpose for dating? There are myriad reasons. One is to meet people, and possibly meet one who you might like to spend your life with.

The purpose for courting? To get to know better the person you think you want to spend your life with.

That's where I'm going with the "I would call courting pre-engagement" thing. To me, dating is an activity. I despise calling what used to be called "going steady" "dating." It's not dating. Dating, for me, is the early stages of a relationship, the "let me see if there's a possibility for life here" part. The "do I like you, could I see myself with you" part. It's not what I call a long-term relationship. I would never call someone I'm dating my boyfriend. He's not. He's simply someone I date. When he becomes "boyfriend," we're no longer dating (although we may go out on dates, just as we make dates with our friends -- please say that makes sense).

 

I have read all the descriptions of what courting is, and all of them can be done while useing the word dating.

I think many are taking the word dating and are demonizing it. Dating can be a wholesome fun experience as well as a sinfull experience. There are many things that can be turned into something bad.
I think those of you who are so heartfelt about courting should focus more on helping people have healthy family oriented relationships, than down grating the word someone uses to represent their relationship.

At one time the word gay, was a word for happy, a clean word. Now it is has taken on a totally different meaning. I think it is sad that just because someone uses the word dating some people appear to jump to the conclusion that the person isn't having as pure of a relationship as you might be.

If the person is in a wholesom Christian relationship it really doesn't matter what title you put on it.

By the way, when you are a 30 year old adult, and your family lives over 1000 miles away, there is a limit to their involvement.

 

Okay, y'all, maybe you can help me out.

Tonight, I'm going on a first date with someone that I met about a week ago at a professional event. I've spoken to her on the phone and emailed her several times, and tonight is our first person-to-person meeting. We will be having dinner and then doing some strolling and sightseeing at a local trendy shopping plaza (you know the kind that's located next to a major theme park). If all goes well, there will hopefully be a second meeting.

So am I engaging in dating, or courting?

 

I think that under either model that would be a date.

But from what I understand, people who court go out on dates, too. The difference seems to be in what you call the relationship (I'm merely pointing out the specificity of "relationship" here). Do you call it "we're dating," or "we're courting." Going out on a date doesn't seem to imply either (Unless, of course you choose to use the present progressive tense to describe what you are in the act of doing at the present time. Then you could say "we're dating" and not be inaccurate, but it'd be more accurate to say that you were strolling or chatting or dining or window-shopping.) Dating can be a one time event, as in "the act of going on a date." Or do I have that wrong?

Man, I miss philosophy.

 

Well, aside from the fact that right now it's less than two hours before I see her, and I'm giddy as a schoolboy....

No, Kelly, I think you got it right. Of course, you realize the only reason I haven't asked you on a date is because you're across the country from me, and the commute would be a killer!!!!

 

StubbornKelly, I think you have it down pat.

 

BB said: "If you disagree with the book you're wrong!

Sounds like a cult to me."

Adam said: "And to your second comment- two words: The Bible"

Anything clicking yet?

In other words your comment, if true, makes all Christians a part of a cult, because we believe in the Bible.