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immorality/gossip advise?

Discussion in 'Pastoral Ministries' started by John Ellwood Taylor, May 19, 2005.

  1. John Ellwood Taylor

    John Ellwood Taylor New Member

    May 13, 2005
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    A lady in the church, we’ll call her Mrs. A, reveals to my wife that another lady, Mrs. B, shared her concern over her husband, Mr. B, and his morality and role in the church.

    Mrs. B told Mrs. A that her husband is into pornography again, is speaking mean to the children (berating the oldest for being overweight,{note Mr. B ain’t exactly in fightin’ shape himself}), leaves the sanctuary when the preaching begins in worship yet is being used by the Pastor and youth pastor to cover their Sunday School classes in their absence.

    When my wife began to share this with me I immediately asked her why she didn’t stop Mrs. A from sharing any details. At that point is becomes a breaking of trust and fodder for gossip.

    My feelings are that my wife should tell Mrs. A that she should keep the confidence given to her by Mrs. B regarding the situation and that she should suggest Mrs. B herself confront the her husband, then if not repentant, seek the leaders in the church. This is Mrs. B’s issue to bring before her husband/church.

    I have been praying much for this family.

    If you had this information, as I do, would you act on it, other than prayer? If so, what would you do?
    While not being disciplined, Mrs. A should be taught to keep to herself that which is confided to her. How would you counsel Mrs. A regarding her concern, she obviously didn’t know how to help Mrs. B, other than offering to beat up her husband.

    Thanks in advance,
  2. TaterTot

    TaterTot Guest

    If she continues to want to discuss it, then I'd tell her maybe she needs to talk to the pastor instead. If she doesnt, you should.
  3. Jim1999

    Jim1999 <img src =/Jim1999.jpg>

    Aug 10, 2002
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    Since we are our brother's keeper, it is our duty to lead the bearer of the news to inform the pastor, rather than tell others.

    If I were the pastor, I would pay a home vsitation without disclosing what I know, but directly dealing with issues, and, with Christ's help, trust that the offending member will come forth on his own. IF I don't know, it is tough to deal with such problems.


  4. dianetavegia

    dianetavegia Guest

    This is a MAJOR concern to me and I'd think under the circumstances, you should speak with the pastor and convey the concerns this wife shared. We must protect the youth and children!

  5. Victory in Jesus

    Victory in Jesus New Member

    Mar 22, 2005
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    I hope my words aren't misunderstood.

    I don't agree with MR. B's alleged actions, but you aren't going to find a perfect sunday school teacher...or paster for that matter.

    Unfortunately, from what I understand, pornography is one of the leading sins among church members. The internet, cable television, and slackened FCC standards have made this particular sin almost impossible to control in our churches (nothing is impossible when you have the Lord on your side), and yet I rarely hear anything about this from the pulpit. Perhaps because this subject is difficult to discuss tactfully in front of children and ladies. Maybe our churches need to hold a few men-only conferences.

    I suppose the offenders feel that if they're not hurting anybody, that it's ok. They apparently have little appreciation for their wives' feelings (and husbands, in some cases...this sin is not women-exclusive). The spouse is the first and foremost victim in this sin.

    Our society has girls growing up feeling like they have to look good in order to be loved and accepted. This has led to a booming rate of eating disorders and low self esteem. Women and children are being abducted raped and killed. Those who continue to support the pornography industry by buying the magazines, flipping on the channels and clicking on the internet links continue to send the message that this is what the common viewer wants. The media gives its public what it wants. Take a few minutes to look at the clothes made for little girls today. I wouldn't let my dog wear such scanty clothing.

    But, Mr. B isn't alone. There are too many Mr. Bs in our churches, and because it isn't addressed from the pulpit...and because it would be difficult to "catch" even if it was preached against, we're going to continue to have pornography supporters taking leadership roles in our churches, while pornography takes leadership in too many Christians' lives.

    We as Christians have stopped taking stands against these things and have just decided to sit down and accept it...but not without complaining about the lowered standards, of course. It's easy to complain and gossip, but when it comes to really standing up and taking a strong stand...where are we, then?

    What would happen if we all took one day and protested in the main cities closest to us...Washington DC...New York City...Chicago ILL...ect? The gay community does this and they are quickly becoming accepted as "legally married" in many states. The African American community did this and they're conquering all kinds of battles their ancestors faced. Is it because too many Christians are afraid that if we REALLY took a strong stand against pornography on television, in magazines and on the internet, that we really WOULD make a difference in the FCC policies?

    Mr. B is not doing anything more than what you see (or don't see, actually) in most Christian households...and even if yelling at his teen and actively watching pornography is not usual, you're not going to find a church leader that is going to be perfect or live a life far from what MR. B is living.

    The question is not "did Mr. B really do these things?", but rather, we should ask, "Is Mr. B consistantly and actively trying to live the Godly Christian life that the Lord is leading him to live, and does he repent when he slips up?"...or perhaps we should just ask, "Do I consistantly and actively try to live the Godly Christian live that God intends for me to live, and do I repent when I slip up and do I continue to remain close to the Lord?"

    The above statements are based on what I know about my previous church, and what I've learned by research...I don't know anyone at my present church well enough to confirm or deny the stability of the statements.
  6. Ben W

    Ben W Active Member
    Site Supporter

    Sep 16, 2002
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    Unfortunatley you are right on with Holiness not being preached upon in a number of churches to their respective downfalls. In my old church, the minister got up and had a few things to say about congregation members going along and playing the poker machines in the local pub. He was laughed at by more than one member.
  7. Victory in Jesus

    Victory in Jesus New Member

    Mar 22, 2005
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    I remember when I was little, we had a pastor who said, "If you gamble, don't tithe the winnings here...we don't need Satan's money in this church!"

    Then, when he left and a new pastor took over, he said, "If you gamble and win, make sure you tithe the winnings...Satan's had that money long enough!" [​IMG]

    Speaking of gambling, My husband recently arrested four people gambling in an appartment complex...one was a juvenile, which hiked up the charges of the others to contributing to the deliquency of a minor. This was a step towards getting drugs out of the area (a couple had prios for drug dealing...they know the police are around and will take action...searching the arrested produces drugs, etc). A conviction for contributing to a minor would have kept the drug dealers off the streets all summer. But, the judge basically said, "I appreciate that the officers are doing their jobs, but they allow our state to gamble with the lottery, so I don't see why this would be wrong." It's funny. I didn't think judges were supposed to include their opinions when deciding a case.

    He threw it out and all the defendants walked past the officers laughing.

    That judge made my husband's job (and those of other officers) more difficult and left him and other officers wondering, "why even bother?"
  8. gb93433

    gb93433 Active Member
    Site Supporter

    Jun 26, 2003
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    A lot of parents promote the idea of looking “pretty” instead of teaching by example the most important things such as being a radical Christian, sharing their faith and inner beauty.

    I believe if more fathers had close contact with their daughters a lot of this problem would be gone.

    When I was much younger I asked several men (whom had grown children who were leading a godly life) about how they raised their children. Consistently I heard the same things from each one. Some of the things surprised me and others did not.

    The things I was told and observed were:

    Consistently each of them had a lot of physical contact with their children.
    Each of them praised their children consistently and gave them direction.
    None of them had regular family Bible reading.
    All of them had times of discussion working off of the natural curiosity of the children.
    None of them were legalistic.
    Everyone of them shared their faith.
    They attended church regularly.
    They knew their Bible well.
    They prayed for their children.
  9. patrick

    patrick New Member

    May 16, 2005
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    If you go to the pastor, you might break a trust with the lady you are dealing with. She must come to the point that she handles the problem. You have to keep the big picture in mind. That is what this woman is living with. Encourage her to stand up on her own. Do not ruin a great chance you have to minister to her. You lose here trust and you can not be light to her in this dark time in her life.
  10. TexasSky

    TexasSky Guest

    This kind of thing is really a touchy subject with me because I have suffered from a similar situation.

    My work for Christ has been the most important thing in my life for the majority of my life. When a certain individual wanted to hurt me, that is where they struck. They went out of their way to look up members of my church and tell some truly horrendous, flat out lies about me. I had absolutely NO idea this was happening until a very godly woman came to me and said, "Let me buy you a cup of coffee. I found out today that (**) is telling people some things that I do not believe. That said, God put it on my heart that you need someone to pray with you to help you know how to deal with this gossip." She then offered to go with me to confront the person spreading the lies.

    When we confronted the person they admitted to having gone out of their way to destroy my reputation at the church via lies.

    Go to the person, but go in love.
  11. SaggyWoman

    SaggyWoman Active Member

    Dec 15, 2000
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    Your wife should go back to the woman and appropriately let her know that she needs to confront her husband about his situation. Your wife should give a fair time frame, and let her know that if nothing is done on the woman's part, that your wife will need to share this info with you for good reason... to help her husband out.