When is it ok to leave a church?

[whatever]

Hello tfisher1,

That sounds a lot like the church I left about three years ago. I recommend that you get into Colossians, especially chapter 2, and see if that fits your situation. Here's 2:20-23:

If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations -- "Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch" (referring to things that all perish as they are used) -- according to human precepts and teachings? These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh.

I had to ask myself "why are you submitting to regulations that are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh?" I had no answer for that, so I left. Your situation may be different so don't leave just because I did.

 

[Brother Bob]

There is two sides to every story and I say let every man judge for himself whether he is content in his salvation where he is at. I do know sometimes you do things at a bad time in your life you would give anything to take back.

 

[TomVols]

If it were me, I'd go and shake the dust off my feet, praying for these people. God has to open people's eyes. Time is too short for God not to be glorified.

 

[Alcott]

Assuming your situation is as you described it, I can say that I would not stay there. The church, and the pastor especially, are thirsty for self-righteousness and they pick up most of the traditional evangelical wedge issues as some visual verification thereof. You don't specifically mention D&D, but I think it's a safe assumption they teach a hard line on those, too.

As for you likely ending up in a "weaker" church if you leave, there's not much to say other than it's up to you to evaluate different churches, as well as yourself to be sure you are leaving for the right reasons. In case there is something to this rift that goes deeper than you told about, something is probably inevitable; if not your leaving the church, then rumors of disloyalty or politicizing [taking sides], if that is not already true. I hope you have peace about your decision.

 

[tfisher1]

Thanks for so many replies. Some have been helpful. I am 37 yrs. old and have attended this church for 37 yrs....my entire family attends there also....so leaving will be tantamount to divorce in many peoples opinions. There are a couple of churches I will be checking out that I have heard about, but we may have to drive 30-40 miles for a good one. We haven't made a decision yet. Just considering it at this point. I don't think I could go into much detail with the Pastor. He will not take it well. He will be hurt, then more than likely become angry and think that we left because we wanted our ears tickled.... when in truth, we want more God-centered messages. He believes he is a great expositional preacher. He would claim that I'm being nitpicky if I were to say something like that, which Is why I think that if we decide to go the best thing would be to simply say 'thank you for your service, but we feel the Lord is leading to attend somewhere else' and leave it at that.
For those that have made the leap from a IFB church for reasons other than moving or something. How did you do it?

thanks

 

[Brother Bob]

 

[whatever]

I went to the pastor because I thought he deserved that much and because I thought he would take it fairly well, as well as anyone could. I still think that was the right thing to do, but it would not necessarily be right for everyone.

Also, I think it is essential that you have a church to go to before you leave. That can be very difficult, but lots of people leave one church without another church to go to and end up drifting away from church.

We told our family there, then we just left. We still see some of those folks from time to time. Some are still very friendly, and some will hardly speak to us.

May God bless you in your decision.

 

[Tom Butler]

The primary purpose for believers meeting together is for worship. Is your worship hindered? Are you distracted by what goes on during the sevice? If you cannot worship there in Spirit and in truth, then you must ask the Lord to a place you where you can.

 

[Hope of Glory]

There are no man-made standards "higher" than those God gave in scripture... nor more "holy"... nor more "conservative".

That's what the Pharisees did. They loved God. They wanted to serve him. (In the beginning.) Then, their word became equal to God's.

We had a family leave our church recently. The reason they gave was, "We don't want to do all this studying! Just so long as we know we're going to heaven, that's good enough for us! We want more activities!" (I know where they went, and they will certainly be entertained with rock concerts in the auditorium (not Chrsitian rock even, but clean), movie nights (secular), and not much preaching and teaching.)

About the same time we got a couple of new families, one from this same church, and the reason they left their church and came to ours was because they wanted to study and get to know the Lord better. The church the other family left is a KJVO church that preaches one message: salvation. (Although, I do know the preacher there, and he does a good job of that message, if he would just get off the "KJ is God inspired" part of his message.)

Other than that one family, though, no one has left our church in years, except through death, disability, or moving a long distance.

 

[Brother Bob]

Sure a good thing there are different churches in the land. I know I am not going to get them all and neither is anyone else. Go home and tell your friends what good things the Lord has done for you.

 

[Hope of Glory]

I think you have been given some good advice here, even if some of it seems contradictory. Read it, pray about, assmilate it, reorganize it...

 

[Bible Believing Bill]

It is time to leave when God wants you to move on. About a year ago my wife and I were in a very similar situation. Our old church was a lot like yours. At that church opportunities to serve were being taken away. I attended church and that was about it, my wife had her Sunday School class taken away and finally she was told she couldn't have anything to do with VBS. This was God's way of slapping us up side the head because we hadn't been listening for the previous year to all the little things.

Now a year later we are in a new church where we have many opportunities to serve. Jeanne teaches the Teens Sunday School class. The class is now so big that we are splitting the boys and girls. I teach the teens on Wednesday nights. I am the unofficial assistant to the Youth Pastor. And finally Jeanne and I have just become Co-Sunday School Superintendents.

On more compare and contrast. Our old church avg. about 50 people on Sunday Mornings and it was getting smaller and smaller. Our new church was avg. about 80 when we started to attend, it is now avg. about 150. I don't thing attendance numbers are important, but growth means that we are reaching people.

God wanted us were we could serve him. We ignored him for a long time and in the end it was a painful seperation. However, we are much happier and are now serving Him in ways we were not allowed to before.

Your situation my not be the same as ours. You need to pray follow God's will. Don't ignore God because you are comfortable where you are at now. Don't leave if God has something for you to do where you are now. The only way you can know is through alot of prayer.

Bill

 

[mama9times]

I was just about to ask this question myself. Our reasons are different, though. We have 9 children and homeschool. We are the only large homeschooling family in our Church. Our 13 year old got into a little trouble with some of the other teens (smoking, chewing tobacco). The pastor's wife knew about it, but didn't want to hurt the teen group, so said nothing. I've noticed that the leadership is very concerned about appearances .Not in the way we dress way, but that it's better to keep sin hidden than to give the church a bad name.

Prior to this I was having a hard time with being "different" in this church. My kids have nothing in common with these other families (other than Christ). They go to school dances, the public swimming pool, etc. Things we really don't want our children to do.

We have another church we've been visiting. Most all the families homeschool. Most have 6 or more children. My children feel more comfortable there. Is it ok to leave?

 

[rbell]

Originally posted by Shiloh:
There are reasons for leaving a church. 1. The preaching of false doctrine. 2. Immorality Other then that? A good rule of thumb is watch where the folks turn up. 9 times out of 10 they turn up at a weaker church.

No scriptural support for these two reasons being the only reasons to leave.

No empirical support that "9 out of 10 times they turn up at a weaker church."

 

[rbell]

Originally posted by mama9times:
I was just about to ask this question myself. Our reasons are different, though. We have 9 children and homeschool. We are the only large homeschooling family in our Church. Our 13 year old got into a little trouble with some of the other teens (smoking, chewing tobacco). The pastor's wife knew about it, but didn't want to hurt the teen group, so said nothing. I've noticed that the leadership is very concerned about appearances .Not in the way we dress way, but that it's better to keep sin hidden than to give the church a bad name.

Prior to this I was having a hard time with being "different" in this church. My kids have nothing in common with these other families (other than Christ). They go to school dances, the public swimming pool, etc. Things we really don't want our children to do.

We have another church we've been visiting. Most all the families homeschool. Most have 6 or more children. My children feel more comfortable there. Is it ok to leave?

If you are comfortable with their doctrine, then absolutely.

 

[Joseph_Botwinick]

Originally posted by tfisher1:
My wife and I are considering leaving our church for several reason which I will list later, but my basic question is, when is it ok to leave? I keep hearing from some (especially my current pastor) that you should never leave a church unless the pastor is in gross doctrinal error on some matter and refuses to be swayed from his error.

5. Very hostile towards Calvinism, and considers those who adhere to the doctrines of Grace to be deceived, foolish, fatalistic....etc... etc... Its not just that we don't agree, its his delivery when railing against it. Very crass, demeaning to good men when he decides to go on a tangent.

Pray to God and ask him for direction. I don't want to tell you what to do, but this would be a reason that I would leave a Church right here. IMO, this is a gross doctrinal error.

Joseph Botwinick

 

[PJ]

Originally posted by tfisher1:
We are considering leaving our church for several reasons ...

Because you were born and raised in your current church, leaving will be devastating for all. But, you still must do what the Lord leads you to do. I agree that finding another church before leaving your current one is best.

 

[bapmom]

mama9times,

be careful that you don't pick a church based solely on how comfortable your kids are with it. The most important thing is what you and your kids are being taught there. I agree that you should be concerned about those things you said the kids do that you don't want your kids doing. Especially if these are things condoned by the church. If so, it sounds like you are going to a church that has lower standards than your family does. That can cause a real problem in the home, because you'd actively be teaching your kids that the church is doing the wrong thing.

On the other hand, the OP is the opposite. He is going to a church that has higher standards than his family does. I know of families in this situation who love their church and attend it joyfully, and participate in ministries with great zeal. They can teach their kids what they want at home, that we can have different standards and its ok.....doesn't send the same message to the kids. Personally, I think you ought to be able to attend a church that has higher standards than you do and not have a problem. BUT, if you can't, than leave quietly. Don't villify the church in order to justify yourself leaving. And yes, I did think that the OP bordered on an attempt to villify the church. Yes, many of us IFBs have those same standards and beliefs, but that does not mean that we aren't reaching people.....real people.

Perhaps for you the pastor's style was too harsh. So don't belabor the point, if it is his style that bothers you it very well may change over the coming years. If you really do not think it will, and you cannot live with that style, than go. But don't tear down the church and the pastor as you go.....including to your kids.

 

[PJ]

Originally posted by mama9times:
We have another church we've been visiting. Is it ok to leave?

Sounds like you've been thinking about leaving for some time. If you feel the Lord leading in that direction, then yes, it's okay to leave.

 

[PJ]

Originally posted by tfisher1:
My wife and I are considering leaving our church for several reasons ...

We may consider the same if we were wearing your shoes, and, you definitely have not villified your church in order to justify leaving. I heard not one abusive or disparaging word from you. Seeking the council of those who may have experienced the same is all I see here.

Follow God's will and He will bless your efforts ...