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Wife unfaithful - Help!

Discussion in '2004 Archive' started by west, Oct 24, 2004.

  1. west

    west New Member

    Sep 19, 2004
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    Me and my wife been together for 30 years. We've been saved since 1981. We were separated for a month in 1984. She just told me two weeks ago that while we were separated she was unfaithful to me. Well the last two weeks been hell for us both. The last 20 years been great with us. Bible Study, Church, grandkids and etc... have been great. I always expected it but she lied to me & our Pastor at the time and said she never did anything. She said she didn't want to lose me. We told our Pastor and our kids were all in horror. I'm having a rough time with this. Help!

    *** Edited to conform with our open forum policy, while we maintain the family atmosphere. As you know, we have young folks visiting the board from over 80 countries, and we do not want them exposed to this kind of thread. So, please chose your wording well. ***

    [ October 24, 2004, 03:44 PM: Message edited by: Barnabas ]
  2. here now

    here now Member

    May 30, 2004
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    This has obviously been weighing heavily on her heart for her to confess this now, 20 years later. But at the risk of her fear(losing you),she did confess this. This had to have been very hard for her.
    You say that the past 20 years have been great. This does not have to be the end of that. You and your wife need to talk about what happened. But you need to keep in mind that it happened 20 years ago. Also,keep in mind what you were both going through at the time. And don't forget your life together for the past 20 years. It would probably be a good idea to get counseling. I would recommend a Christian counselor.

    Remember the Bible teaches us to forgive:
    Matt.6:15- But if we forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

    I wish you the best.
  3. SaggyWoman

    SaggyWoman Active Member

    Dec 15, 2000
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    Lies hurt. Broken trust hurts. Especially when you invest 20 years after you have come back together.

    Pray about it. Pray with each other about it. Don't do anything rash or stupid. Walk slowly, deeply in prayer.
  4. here now

    here now Member

    May 30, 2004
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    Welcome to the Baptist board. It is always recommended that you start your first post by introducing yourself in the welcome to the Baptist board area. So you might want to go do a "formal" intro. [​IMG]
  5. dianetavegia

    dianetavegia Guest

    Over 20 years ago your wife sinned against God. She's most probably suffered with this for over 20 years now.

    Let it go. If she's repented, God has forgiven her and removed that sin as far as the east is from the west. The last 20 years of happiness should speak volumes. Admit to her that you're hurt but that the last 20 years together negate what happened 2 times when she wasn't even sure you'd remain married.

    She lied out of guilt and self disgust. I think she admitted it now because it has been so very long and she wanted to not hold anything back from you, her dear husband.

    This is NOT worth ruining a marriage over and there was no need for your children to know. Let it go now. Speak forgiveness and don't ask questions.

    This is YOUR choice. Chose to forget about 10 minutes of lust a lifetime ago.

    Jesus told us to forgive each other 70 X 7. You CAN do this.

    Php 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things.

  6. LorrieGrace

    LorrieGrace Member

    Jun 28, 2004
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    I'm praying for you also! What you are going through is hard, but don't judge the last 30 years on what happened in a short time frame.
  7. Rooster

    Rooster New Member

    Aug 4, 2004
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    Brother, coming from a mans prespective, what she did was wrong, what she did, hurt you, it hurt the kids, it hurt her, it hurts people beyond that even, committing adultry in a marraige is like a nuclear bomb due to the fact that it doesnt just hurt one or two people but everyone that is close to them entire families, the fall-out is great, and not many survive such a devistation. According to Matthew 5:31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:

    5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

    The ancient law of Israel insisted on awriting of divorcement . Jesus explains (Matt. 19:8) that Moses' concession was not intended to be taken as a licence. The only exception given by Christ is for the cause of fornication (Gr. porneia ), meaning sexual unfaithfulness. These statments make it clear that adultry is a ligitimate ground for divorce. However, the ligitimacy of the divorce does not neccissarily establish the ligitamacy of re-marraige. Scripture never commands that one must divorce an unfaithful wife. On the contrary, there are many examples of extending forgivness to the adulterus offender (Genesis 38:26, Hosea 3:1, John 8:1-11) . Brother, I feel your pain, and you must be pretty hurt and confused. Pray to God, what His will is, look at the responces of unbiased people posting on this thread, none of us know you, or your wife, or the details of the situation, but even my heart is saying to forgive her, hold her in your arms, tell her how much you love her, kiss her deeply, and know that the tresspass she commited hurt her as well, she has come clean with you, and the truth can be a huge risk, she didn't want the lie to live another day, below are a few poems that help me, read them, and then read them to her, maybe in a romantic setting, revow your love for her, and put the past behind you, in the sweet name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

    by: kahil gibran

    Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

    And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

    When love beckons to you follow him,

    Though his ways are hard and steep.

    And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

    Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

    And when he speaks to you believe in him,

    Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

    For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

    Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

    So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

    Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

    He threshes you to make you naked.

    He sifts you to free you from your husks.

    He grinds you to whiteness.

    He kneads you until you are pliant;

    And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

    All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

    But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

    Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

    Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

    Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

    Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

    For love is sufficient unto love.

    When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

    And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

    Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

    But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

    To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

    To know the pain of too much tenderness.

    To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

    And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

    To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

    To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

    To return home at eventide with gratitude;

    And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

    Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"

    And he answered saying:

    You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

    You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

    Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

    But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

    And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

    Love one another but make not a bond of love:

    Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

    Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

    Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

    Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

    Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

    Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

    For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

    And stand together, yet not too near together:

    For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

    And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow

    And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

    And he said:

    Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

    Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

    And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

    And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

    And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

    Much of your pain is self-chosen.

    It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

    Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

    For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

    And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

    Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

    And he answered:

    Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

    And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

    And how else can it be?

    The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

    Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

    And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

    When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

    When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

    Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

    But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

    Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

    Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

    Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

    When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

    Then said a rich man, "Speak to us of Giving."

    And he answered:

    You give but little when you give of your possessions.

    It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

    For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?

    And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?

    And what is fear of need but need itself?

    Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable?

    There are those who give little of the much which they have - and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

    And there are those who have little and give it all.

    These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.

    There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.

    And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.

    And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;

    They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.

    Though the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.

    It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;

    And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving

    And is there aught you would withhold?

    All you have shall some day be given;

    Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors'.

    You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."

    The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.

    They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.

    Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights is worthy of all else from you.

    And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.

    And what desert greater shall there be than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?

    And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?

    See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.

    For in truth it is life that gives unto life - while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.

    And you receivers - and you are all receivers - assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives.

    Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings;

    For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the free-hearted earth for mother, and God for father.

    And a poet said, "Speak to us of Beauty."

    Where shall you seek beauty, and how shall you find her unless she herself be your way and your guide?

    And how shall you speak of her except she be the weaver of your speech?

    The aggrieved and the injured say, "Beauty is kind and gentle.

    Like a young mother half-shy of her own glory she walks among us."

    And the passionate say, "Nay, beauty is a thing of might and dread.

    Like the tempest she shakes the earth beneath us and the sky above us."

    The tired and the weary say, "beauty is of soft whisperings. She speaks in our spirit.

    Her voice yields to our silences like a faint light that quivers in fear of the shadow."

    But the restless say, "We have heard her shouting among the mountains,

    And with her cries came the sound of hoofs, and the beating of wings and the roaring of lions."

    At night the watchmen of the city say, "Beauty shall rise with the dawn from the east."

    And at noontide the toilers and the wayfarers say, "we have seen her leaning over the earth from the windows of the sunset."

    In winter say the snow-bound, "She shall come with the spring leaping upon the hills."

    And in the summer heat the reapers say, "We have seen her dancing with the autumn leaves, and we saw a drift of snow in her hair."

    All these things have you said of beauty.

    Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of needs unsatisfied,

    And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy.

    It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty hand stretched forth,

    But rather a heart enflamed and a soul enchanted.

    It is not the image you would see nor the song you would hear,

    But rather an image you see though you close your eyes and a song you hear though you shut your ears.

    It is not the sap within the furrowed bark, nor a wing attached to a claw,

    But rather a garden for ever in bloom and a flock of angels for ever in flight.

    People of Orphalese, beauty is life when life unveils her holy face.

    But you are life and you are the veil.

    Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.

    But you are eternity and your are the mirror.

    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
  8. Pine_Island_Mrs

    Pine_Island_Mrs New Member

    Oct 15, 2004
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    West, forgive her as God forgives you. I speak from experience, when pride rears it ugly head and blocks the love of God and for each other it causes us to have tunnel vision that focuses only on the bad, i.e. a very old sin. You must first remember God then remember the good years since. It was very difficult for her to tell you after all these years. That tells me she wants things right between you two and God. Satan will use this to destroy your whole family if you choose to allow him to do so. God Bless
  9. James_Newman

    James_Newman New Member

    Aug 27, 2004
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    I agree with Brenda, its nothing that can't be forgiven. Christ's shed blood covered every sin, even adultery. If God can forgive us, we should forgive each other. And Satan does desire to destroy your marriage, don't alow him that victory.
  10. dianetavegia

    dianetavegia Guest

    Amen! A thousand times, Amen!
  11. manchester

    manchester New Member

    Aug 16, 2004
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    Let it go. It was 20 years ago while you were separated. The kids are probably yours biologically.
  12. dianetavegia

    dianetavegia Guest

    Philippians 3:13-14 "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
  13. Plain Old Bill

    Plain Old Bill New Member

    Dec 30, 2003
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    Ask yourself this question? If the tables were turned, what would be my hope? The hurt remains but will subside. You have choices to make , to forgive or not to forgive.
    Could it be your wife thought your marriage was over, started to move on and then you both reconciled.The fact that a confession was not made 20 years ago does'nt change but perhaps the motive can be understood.
    How many times have we sinned against God and how many times has he forgiven us? Nothing harsh here it meant. We just have the option to forgive.
    Pray. I will pray for you and your wife also, that your wounds will heal and you will follow God's leading.
  14. JackRUS

    JackRUS New Member

    Oct 19, 2004
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    "Wife unfaithful" sounds to me to be in the present tense instead of what it should be; the past tense. Could it be that it's your unforgivness that's in the present tense?

    Eph. 4:32
  15. dianetavegia

    dianetavegia Guest

    Jack! The title was changed by an administrator to not entice our younger members to read....

  16. Thankful

    Thankful <img src=/BettyE.gif>

    Mar 5, 2002
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    Is West still around? If so, why would he let something that happened 20 years ago destroy what he has with his wife today?

    It appears that she has been faithful to him during the last 20 years.

    He needs to forgive and forget. Or did she confess because she wants to end the marriage?
  17. RockRambler

    RockRambler New Member

    Sep 15, 2004
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    That could be a possibility. Confession of adultry to the spouse is not always just a means of asking forgiveness. When a spouse is unfaithful, then "confessing" a lot of times is a way to put the burden back on the spouse that was faithful. The faithful spouse is put in the position of forgiveness or breaking up the family.

    I would strongly recommend some counseling, because forgiveness is one thing but forgetting is almost impossible.
  18. here now

    here now Member

    May 30, 2004
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    I think West is gone.
  19. Paul of Eugene

    Paul of Eugene New Member

    Oct 30, 2001
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    I vote to forgive and reconcile and thank God for His willing to forgive us and reconcile us to Him.

    Sometimes it is hard to do that. Nobody can help how a thing like this suddenly coming upon you impacts your heart . . .

    God's love will never fail you, never never never. He calls on you to become like Him.