Cameron Diaz and the Death of Marriage

[Chessic]

Here is a short article by Dr. Keith Ablow, quoting Diaz and explaining his own (completely secular) reasons for agreeing with the actress's assertion that marriage is a "dying institution." He also discusses his experiences with clients he has seen over the years. I believe the article is interesting especially in light of the reports that Christian marriages fail at higher rates than those in secular society.

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2011...easons-marriage-dying-institution/?test=faces

Here's the short list of his reasons for believing that marriage is dying, but I encourage anyone interested to read his explanations.

1. The government's involvement.
2. The invention of oral contraception.
3. It "deprives men and women the joy of being 'chosen' on a daily basis.
4. Our experiences with so many marriages failing around us itself contributes to the decline of marriage.

 

[Scarlett O.]

"I would venture that 90 percent of the married patients I speak with would rank their marriages in the top two stressors in their lives, while only 10 percent would rank their marriages as one of the top two sources of strength in their lives...................

Government involvement means that love and commitment become sterile, linked to legislation and weighted down with legal implications that are psychologically suffocating. ............

I wanted to marry my wife, not the governor of Massachusetts or a Superior Court Judge ........

Getting government out of our marriages would do a lot to make them feel less confining."

Sounds a little hysterical to me. 90% of married people view their marriage as a their most potent stressor? A marriage license makes married people feel "confined" and strips the couple of their love and commitment and makes married people feel "psychologically suffocated"?

A little piece of paper does all that?!?!? From the married couples that talk to me about stress, they have never once mentioned the marriage license. A lot of other things, but not that.

[on blaming the pill for marriage breakups] "Once human beings understood that they could express themselves emotionally, romantically and sexually without necessarily creating multiple families and perilously dividing their assets, the psychological pain of living without sexual passion (even by choice) was significantly intensified."

I didn't understand that statement. Someone help me out with reading comprehension here.

[continued....] "The vast, vast majority of men and women, in fact, are no longer physically attracted to their spouses after five or ten years (that’s being kind), if they have seen one another most of that time. Human beings just are not built to desire one another once we have flossed in the same room a hundred times and shared a laundry basket for thousands of days........

Very few normal people who live together for long enough want to keep on doing it.

I just don't believe that. Certainly, relationships evolve and change over the years, husbands grow up - wives grow up - and the "couple" grows up - but to say that after five years husbands and wives don't want to have sex with each other anymore because of co-habitational "familiarity" doesn't make any sense. I don't believe that.

Oh, and as a side note - what kind of professional person with a string of letters behind his name in a professional article says "doing it" as a euphemism for marital relations. Sounds like 7th grade boy talking to his friends to me. :laugh:

"The third reason marriage is a dying institution is because it inherently deprives men and women of the joy of being “chosen” on a daily basis. It’s natural to like the feeling of being wanted (most people thirst for it), and the fact that leaving a marriage involves “lawyering up” and suffering greatly means that most husbands and wives have to wonder whether their spouses really want to stay, or simply don’t want to go through the hassle of leaving. If it were a relatively simple process to decide to live apart (and honor a financial contract for the support of children), then we might actually exert more effort to be attractive to our spouses for longer. We might appreciate the fact that they’re still around."

Now THIS, I understand. It's clear as a bell. And...

....it's a bunch of HOOEY!! Or as my pastor says, "There's a Greek word for that - BALOGNA!"

I completely understand the old adage, "absence makes the heart grow fonder", but this is ridiculous. I teach the "old ladies" in Sunday School. In the past 6 months, three of them have lost their husbands. All I can say is that the affection, desire, and "wanting" between these husbands and wives - the deep love and special companionship - never waned. One couple was married for 65 years and they claimed to be more in love and more devoted as the years passed. I believed them.

"Fourth, our collective experience with marriages failing in such great numbers is itself one of the reasons the institution is dying. No one likes being part of a group of hypocrites. The fact that millions of Americans take vows to stay in marriages for life, then leave those marriages—once, twice, maybe three times—has so trivialized and mocked those vows that many silently chuckle to themselves while listening to them."

So ..... people get married - everyday - not having a clue what they are getting themselves into. Not being prepared. Not looking forward. Only focusing on the wedding and not the marriage. And so many of them divorce.

Um.... YES! Does that mean that the institution of marriage is bad or that marriage did this to them?

Um.... NO! They did this to themselve by not preparing properly and not being willing to work HARD when the going got a little rough.

I may get in the kitchen and make an attempt to make a cornbread dressing for Thanksgiving, but I can tell you now it will be a FLOP!! I can't cook. Don't come to my house for any holiday meal (or any regular meal for that matter!)

But that doesn't make Thanksgiving a holiday to be thrown out the window. And it doesn't make Thanksgiving not meaningful. It just means that I never prepared to learn how to cook and that I never have put forth any effort TO learn. That's all.

There are far too many solid married couples who have prepared for marriage or maybe they didn't. But they WORKED their tails off WITH each and FOR each to make it right and make it last and make it meaningful.

If I ever need a psychiatrist - I ain't going to see this guy! :laugh: :tonofbricks:

 

[Chessic]

I enjoyed your comments. Regarding your first point, it may be that Dr. Ablow has forgotten that the people that come it see him are coming to see....a psychiatrist. Their problems seem to them severe enough that they have sought help from a medical professional who can prescribe medications. So any observations made of that group should keep that in mind.

It's not those in healthy, successful marriages that would seek him out, but those struggling or wounded.

His experiences are probably not a fair sampling.

 

[MamaCW]

What a shame..and I used to like Cameron Diaz as an actress lol..

That's all just trash to me..people are just so weak, cowardly, and self centered (especially hollywood) they cant handle marriage anymore so they call it "old fashioned".... its not marriage that doesnt work, its them that dont work..they're just lazy..

 

[StefanM]

I enjoyed your comments. Regarding your first point, it may be that Dr. Ablow has forgotten that the people that come it see him are coming to see....a psychiatrist. Their problems seem to them severe enough that they have sought help from a medical professional who can prescribe medications. So any observations made of that group should keep that in mind.

It's not those in healthy, successful marriages that would seek him out, but those struggling or wounded.

His experiences are probably not a fair sampling.

They are definitely not a representative sample of the general population. It is a convenience sample of people seeking psychiatric help. It wouldn't be valid even to generalize to the population of people seeing psychiatrists. The evidence is merely anecdotal. I don't doubt his statements for his own patients, but it seems overblown.