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Struggling Wife...Struggling Mom

Discussion in 'Other Discussions' started by birdlover99, May 18, 2017.

  1. birdlover99

    birdlover99 New Member

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    So I'll probably just post stuff here every now and then when I need advice. Like today...I get home from picking up my kids and work and sit down to read my bible and do a couple pages in my bible study. I've currently been working on https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Woman-Excellence-Cynthia-Heald/dp/1576838323 and my 4 yr old comes up to me and asks "mamma why are you reading that book?" I tell her I'm reading the bible so I can know God better and she asks me who God is. How on earth do you explain to a 4 yr old who God is. "Honey, He's the creator of everything. He works lives in Heaven and is the savior of all. She totally doesn't get it. She ends up asking me if Pewe lives with God. I tell her yes. Pewe is a bird we use to have who happened to have died.
    It would be nice if I was allowed to take my kids to church. When we use to go to the Methodist church the kids use to go but my husband and children would sit in the basement and play in the nursery. There was no bible school for the kids. The only reason they wanted to go was to play with the toys. Now that I have switched Churches, my husband refuses to go. This church actually has a real children's class but my husband is completely against church. The only reason he agreed to go to the Methodist church is because we got married there for free and it was from start to finish only an hour or even as long as 45 minutes.
    Thats my other problem. My husband. He is undescribable. Everyone I work with suggests that I leave him. It goes against everything that I was raised to believe. We've been together for 6 years and married for maybe 6 months. I had a very unorthodox up-bringing and as soon as I could, I left my parents house and immediatly moved in with him. I had pushed Christ out of my life completely and wasn't following his plan or attending church or anything. It was a hard time in my life. We ended up with 2 children and just recently married. I don't know why I married him. Maybe because its what I should have done from the start, maybe because I don't really have anywhere else to go, I don't really know. Yes I do love him, but do I love him like a spouse should? IDK. I do love him as a friend and worry about him but more than that? who knows.
    Likes:
    1) He loves the kids
    2) He provides for us (house, car insurance, helps $ when I'm short)
    3) He says he loves me
    4)
    Dislikes:
    1) Refuses to go to church or let me take kids to church
    2) yells a lot at kids and me
    3) since we've been together, Ive been out with other people for anything three times. Thats it. He's been out for this or that more times than I can count.
    4) He tends to make me feel like I'm not good enough for him and should be grateful that he's still with me.
    5) when I mention going to church, he makes sure to say "going to church is not going to make you a good person". and I do know that going to church doesn't make you a good person, but he completely refuses to believe that I go because I want to be a better person and become closer to God.
    6) Becuase I'm with him, I never get to see my family. They live 400 miles away. He hates them and always makes me feel awful when I mention going down to see them. I believe he's afraid that if he takes me and the kids down there, that I would never want to come back up.
    7) we made an agreement before the wedding, that I would take a loan out to pay for it and any money we get from the wedding would be used on that loan. He took it all and put it in his saving for our "house" fund.
    8) when I fell and hurt my wrist badly, I got so many people coming up to me and telling me that there is a local women's shelter and that help is available. There were so many rumors that he was beating me it wasn't even funny but when you look at our relationship from the outside, so many people wonder why I'm with him. It really puts doubts in my mind.
    9) I try and discipline our kids. He undermines almost everything I say. Its got to the point where my 4 yr old constantly tells me that she doesn't have to listen to me, but only listens to her daddy.
    10) I want to take kids to the zoo, theme park, camping, fishing, swimming, the park. He hates going. Hates when I go without him and constantly complains that the kids don't appreciate any thing we do for them and they aren't going to remember their outings so why take them. It almost always makes the outing miserable.
    11) I go to the store or anywhere really and he wonders who I'm meeting, why do I have to go to town all the time.
    12) I get a notification on my phone or even a text and he immediately starts jumping to all the wrong conclusions and has to know what it is. It doesn't matter that most of the time I don't even care who/what it is.
    I know I mentioned more negatives and I really know I should remember the positives but its hard. Thats probably the only reason I'm still with him. My kids and remembering the happy memories. It probably doesn't help that every time I mention leaving, he starts crying and gets very depressed. He even been suicidal. threatened to shoot himself in bathroom, tried to smother himself with pillow, tried to drink himself to death, even tried to choke himself before. I'm just so lost. Hoping that If I can be a better person, maybe I can make him happy again. Granted, I will admit I cheated on him. It was a rough time and he was never home. I had to do everything for kids. He didn't even know their birthday!!. It was not the right way to handle it and I know that. Since then I've admitted my wrongs to God and to him. Ive been trying to be better and read bible, pray and do what husband wants but just don't feel like we on the same path anymore. So confused and struggling.
     
  2. annsni

    annsni Administrator
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    Wow. You have a lot going on in your post and i don't think that I can address all of it but let's take it one step at a time:

    #1 - You are married to this man for better or for worse. Yes, people will say to leave him - that is a common response from the world and even the church. There are times that it is best for a wife to leave her husband for a time to be able to work on the relationship and I'm not sure if you are at that point or not - only you can know. But it is not for divorce but for a little distance to be able to focus on what you need to do to heal and restore the relationship.

    #2 - You need counseling. You both should be in marriage counseling with a good Christian counselor. You need to find how to work on your marriage together.

    #3 - You need to be teaching your children about God. A 4 year old should know much more than what yours does. Read the Bible with the kids. Tell them the stories of God and His wonderful riches. Immerse your home in God's Word. In the early years, I did most of the spiritual education of the kids because my husband was working long hours. It is OK for you to do that.

    #4 - Choose to love your husband for who he is right now. He may change someday but then again, he may not. Ask God to give you a love for him that is supernatural. Pray for your husband daily. Seek ways to serve him. No - I'm not saying to be a doormat and be a maid for him or anything but bless him as best as you are able and then some. It often works wonders.

    Those are all I will leave you with right now. I will be praying for you, your husband, your children and your marriage. I've seen worse marriages healed in amazing ways. Trust God. He is good.
     
  3. Happy

    Happy Active Member
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    WOW, that is a load, and not particularly uncommon.

    It seems you and your husband are missing the basics of what the purpose of a wedding is.
    It is ABOUT the marriage; The love, starts the idea, however it is not ONLY about having the SAME ideas; or goals; But having the SAME mind-set of reaching those ideas, WHILE expressing CARING for one another.

    It is obvious, you both are frustrated, and obvious you both are looking for ways to relieve your frustrations. And it is obvious you are both on DIFFERENT paths to relieve your frustrations.

    Communication in a marriage, can be tough - Because when two are having a moment of civility, they simply want to enjoy that moment....and when a daily situation arises, that causes frustration, the communication become a lashing out.

    In other words, you guys have NO ground rules for communicating.
    And THAT ^ is precisely what I would suggest.

    This may sound juvenile; but I would suggest you:
    make a list; likes about your husband; dislikes about your husband.
    not petty things - like he doesn't take out the garbage....but rather he undermines your authority over the kids.
    not petty things - you asked him to hand you a glass of water....but rather he notices your in a bind and without being asked, comes to your assistance.

    make a list; of what you think is important for a healthy marriage.
    Trust, Honesty, Civility, etc...
    Caring....and what that means to you.
    ...Not only in the bedroom, but noticing the others feeling, need, etc. AND an agreement of HOW you each are willing to state your feelings and the expectation of how the other has agreed to react.
    ...Not only an agreement of ^THAT....but an agreement...to say the words, thank you, please, flirting, of the flirting each wants/likes, ie a no reason text, an embrace, a wink, a tender touch, just because it is pleasant, and dating, because it IS the looking forward to, just as it was before the marriage, which is revealing the WANT of one desiring to be with the other and the other KNOWING that.

    Continued...
     
  4. Happy

    Happy Active Member
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    The thing is: You both have a frustration problem. You are looking to God for an answer. Your problem is not with God, it is your lack of you and your husband having ground rules.

    Ground rules give you and your husband each, the understanding of HOW each can EXPECT to be treated by the other, and HOW to respond to positive or negative "treatment", "answers in a conversation", etc.

    The ground rules, are NEVER effective IN a yelling match.
    Thus the ground rules, MUST be an agreement, discussions for any touchy subject, be conducted civilly.... meaning not in the heat of being mad or hurt.

    The ground rules MUST be EITHER can bring up a topic, and BOTH get to suggest what they think can overcome the issue. And each give and take ideas.... NOT demands.... but ideas, and time for each to think over and consider and ask questions and FINALIZE an agreement for each to agree on what might work and willingness to TRY it. And willingness that each can REMIND the other in a kind way, IF one or the other is straying away from the agreement (during a particular situation that may arise).

    I say, make a list. That is to you. I would further suggest; you write your husband a letter. A letter telling him you have concerns about your relationship and want his help to help you both have a better relationship. Tell him, you are making a list, and the purpose for the list is to identify YOUR DESIRES, BECAUSE you desire him, and want him to know you desire him and desire a great relationship WITH him, and would he be willing to do the same, so you each can KNOW the purpose is for you EACH to be able to STATE the problems each believes is an issue, (without animosity clouding the issue), but rather each listening to each-others concerns (even if it burns your ears and stabs your heart)....and EACH having ideas of how to resolve....and EACH agreeing on the resolve to try. IF an idea fails, so what, one or the other can say, we need to rethink and try something else, agreeable to each.

    Its a process for sure. However the main thing up front is to begin, with two questions and two honest answers that each of you have to answer...
    1) Do either of you believe you have unfavorable relationship issues...
    and
    2) Do each of you DESIRE the other and to have a great relationship with the other.....

    IF you two are willing to answer those questions with a yes....then each of you should be willing to set a plan in motion to reach the goal, full well knowing, THAT IS THE GOAL, and along the way of effecting the plan, EACH is going to hear things, they DO NOT LIKE, but full well knowing, it is part of the process, to reach the ultimate GOAL.

    Continued....
     
  5. Happy

    Happy Active Member
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    A couple of POINTS ~

    1)
    My assumption from what you said regarding you wanting to do things with the kids, and your 4yr old, not trusting you, and your husband wanting funds for a house, not going to the zoo for example.

    I would assume you and your husband made a "plan", to work and save to buy a home. Probably sounded great to you, and you were ya, ya.? First of all, men and women DO NOT typically "think" alike.
    In the general I would assume, your husband is Work, Save, House.
    In the general I would assume, you, think, Work, Save, House....but geeze, zero family adventures in the mean-time?

    So you attempt to think of family activities, without a great expense?
    Maybe mention to the kids...the zoo would be fun, camping would be fun, maybe we could go?...etc. ?
    ....

    2 )My advise concerning kids - is;
    Never discuss, tell them, what you are going TO DO, not a maybe, not it will be fun, not later...
    ...Because kids do not have the "reasoning power" to comprehend maybe or later.
    ...Because kids "hear", we're going, and fun.
    ...IF you do not go, they (at a very young age), begin to not trust you, because to them, your WORD, is not true.
    ...IF you do go, and it was not FUN, (according to them), same thing, they will begin to not trust you.

    Also - discussions of a MAYBE, or WE WILL, should be between you and your husband, not the kids.

    What does a 4yr have to "prepare" to go anywhere? Zip.
    And what is the purpose of a 4yr old having to otherwise know ahead of time, what you and your husband have planned for them? Zip.

    They don't have to prepare, and they don't understand what it is they are supposed to be "looking forward" to....(except being told it is fun)....and in their mind...camping for example, swatting mosquitoes, looking at rocks, looking at a river that is too deep for them to swim in, waiting for dad to catch a fish, is NOT fun.

    You think your husband is "undermining" you. Is he? Did he say ooooh ya, let's go camping, then change his mind? Only you know, what you suggest to do with the kids, and IF the kids are in on the conversation or not.

    You say, your husband has "excuses" for NOT doing "family things", even when you have tried to find inexpensive things to do. That goes back to having a private discussion with him. Ya you want a house, AND in the meantime you occasionally want a family experience. A dilemma, you need his help and input how to resolve to allocate money for both. The house being a constant saving for you agree. The occasional family activities you both need to agree can be implemented.

    Your husbands reasoning has been....waste of time, they won't remember anyway. That is TRUE and FALSE. Everyone's likes and dislikes are not the same. However, most kids have a handful of outstanding things in their childhood that they hold dear in their memory, while the rest is forgotten or a blur.

    I would say, for example, presuming your 4 yr old is a girl; doing something with her, out of the ordinary and fun for "her", would be a greater memory for her, then riding in the back seat for two hours to go see Tahquamenon Falls or an animal in a cage.

    Take some macaroni each make a necklace together with a needle and thread, make it special to just you and her, wear them.....to the store for a snow cone....or to the grocery, and lift her up in your arms, let her see the different produce, tell her to pick one thing she has never seen or eaten ( a star fruit, a kiwi, a mango, a kumquat, whatever) and buy it and go home and share that ONE item together. If it tastes good or icky....express it and allow her to....and laugh and make it enjoyable...and compliment her necklace....see if she wants to trade, wearing each others......THOSE are memory builders.
    And when you go to Church, don't forget to wear your necklace!

    The little special things you and your children can do together are endless....it's not limited to going on family outings, breaking the bank, or needs to include the whole family. And it's only to your imagination to come up with something out of the ordinary and per your own time-restraint (since you work) to be a confidence and trust builder between you and your kids and you and your husband.

    And to that POINT - trust between you and your husband - again relates back to having express dialogue/communication of you both on the same page in HOW to AGREE on HOW to be able to discuss issues and each come up with ideas that you both can agree on to put in motion, and REALIZE, it's something different, ie a new way of tackling issues, and does take patience, as it always does when trying something different.

    As far as your child and God. Right now, it appears your child is not trusting you. It is paramount that you first FIX the trust with your child. Your child would not comprehend you saying, why don't you trust mommy. You already know why. A child can not explain it to you. And further, no one, child or adult will accept your view of God, OR ANYTHING, "IF" they do not trust you (for ANY reason).

    WHEN your child trusts you, YOU are then in a viable position to tell them ANYTHING and they will believe you. Your child "questions" you "about" God, precisely because they have a "question mark" about EVERYTHING you say. FIX that, and thereafter your child will also trust you about your teaching them about God.

    And the same goes with your husband. You imply he does not trust you. You stated you have given him reason to not trust you. (cheating). While you may have fixed that, your husbands trust in you was not "fixed". FIX IT! IF you are on the phone talking or texting and you slip away from his presence...HE WILL WONDER. Don't be cagey. Put it on speaker phone, let him hear. Trust me, once you show him there is no secret conversation going on, he will be bored silly and have no interest in what you are talking about. Your phone rings, ask him to answer it for you. He doubts what he does not know, put him at ease. Not with your words only, show him by your actions! Meaning, don't wait for him to grill you....tell him...show him...include him.

    You impressing you want a relationship with God, with your family.....and you deciding he doesn't, and he hates your family.....is not the crux of the matter.
    God is your comforter. Your family is your comforter. They are NOT your husbands comforter. Nor does he want to participate in you being comforted, when it is your and your husbands relationship issues....he will presume YOU are seeking comfort for, Just as he does when he leaves the house to go do whatever....and you don't go along.

    You may truly believe, he keeps you and your children from "your family" (because he hates them).
    I'm sure there is something he hates about them. Giving you advise "against" him, or whatever. And I'm sure you are distraught because of the big deal (because of distance) for you to visit them, and worry about your children not having a relationship with them. And I'm sure your husband could care less if your children have a relationship with ANYONE, who might fill their ears with anything "against" him.

    That goes back to what kind of relationship do you want with your husband. Because IF YOU want a relationship with your family, your husband MUST come to understand, YOU will not tolerate or be part of a bash fest against him, by your family, or anyone. I would guess, right now, he does not trust, you would stand up for him. I don't mean "DEFEND" him. I mean, not tolerate anyone talking against him in your presence....that if they persist, you ask them to leave or you leave.

    And again, that has to do with ground rules, on what each KNOWS what to expect from the other.
    Blaming is easy. Fixing is hard. And even making the ground rules is hard. However hard work up front pays off in the long stretch and scheme of things.

    God bless you.
     
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