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Marriage if parents disapprove

Discussion in 'Other Discussions' started by Lisanotsimpson, Apr 17, 2021.

  1. Lisanotsimpson

    Lisanotsimpson New Member

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    My fiance and I were both hoping for a church wedding. Both of us are in our 30s, Christian, employed, no debt, no prior marriages or children from prior relationships and are responsible. I live with my family (not "allowed" to move out until after marriage) and he lives alone. My mom does not approve of the relationship. She just doesn't feel he's "good enough" and there are ethnic/cultural differences. Is parental disapproval considered a deal breaker for baptist pastors?
     
  2. canadyjd

    canadyjd Well-Known Member

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    Parental approval is needed if the bride and/or groom is under the age of 18.

    I doubt you will have much problem finding a Baptist pastor unless one of you are part of a non-Christian cult.

    Congratulations, may God bless your marriage.

    peace to you
     
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  3. Aaron

    Aaron Member
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    The issues you have with your parents will carry over into your marriage. Based on what you've posted, it doesn't seem to me you're ready for this kind of decision. You're in your 30s and living with mom and dad

    You got some growin' to do.
     
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  4. canadyjd

    canadyjd Well-Known Member

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    I know some people believe they are following scripture by children living with parents until they marry and they may be right.

    “For this reason a man shall leave his Father and mother and cling to his wife...”

    For the record, the OP isn’t asking you to critique her life. She’s asking whether a Baptist pastor will marry them without parental approval.

    peace to you
     
  5. 37818

    37818 Well-Known Member

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    Do you have a good relationship with Dad? Does your Father approve? Does your Mother know you love her? [I am not the one that needs to know the answers here.] I am of the opion that if the answers are yes to all three, your Father's approval is all that you really need on this question. [Look at the Biblical history.] Yes, it is an issue of honoring both your parents.
     
    #5 37818, Apr 18, 2021
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2021
  6. Aaron

    Aaron Member
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    Then why the bio?
     
  7. canadyjd

    canadyjd Well-Known Member

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    Obviously, she felt it necessary to share some personal info.

    Did you miss the part about them both being Christians? Did you miss the part they weren’t living together prior to marriage? No prior marriages? No out of wedlock children? Both are employed?

    She still lives at home to honor her parents wishes that she doesn’t leave home until she is married.

    Hard to imagine being criticized for honoring your parents wishes.

    I asked God to bless her marriage. You told her to grow up.

    I think your perspective may be deficient.

    peace to you
     
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  8. Aaron

    Aaron Member
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    Oh, I would bet more that the question comes from insecurity, and that the bio is to try to say the her mother is just being difficult instead of just looking out for her ultimate good, which may be true, but that's not true in most cases. Mine is the best advice. Move out. Get independent. Figure some things out, or you'll carry your issues with your parents into your marriage.

    You'd just have her pass on and get punished.
     
  9. rlvaughn

    rlvaughn Well-Known Member
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    Lisanotsimpson, first welcome to the Baptist Board. Hope you find it helpful to be a member here.
    Several issues here. As a practical matter, you can always find a Baptist pastor who will marry just about anybody. So not necessarily a deal breaker in that sense.

    Your post brings several questions to mind. One of the first I wonder about is does your mother only disapprove of the marriage? Or are you already in her disapproval by the courtship and engagement? Is she a spiritual woman or just being bossy and wants her way? Where does your father stand? I am not asking you to answer those questions here necessarily, but mainly bringing up the point to demonstrate that there are too many unknowns for any of us here to make a clear judgment. You need to speak to a godly Bible-believing Baptist pastor who can make a better assessment close up than we can from afar.

    That said, generally, starting a marriage with parental disapproval is not a good thing, and parents can often see problems the "love-struck" cannot (sometimes good friends also do). Further, ethnic and cultural differences are something newlyweds need to realize beforehand (that is, before the marriage) as things that eventually will need to be worked on and through. Even little foxes spoil the vines (Song of Solomon 2:15), and little things can become big things in marriages.
     
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  10. xlsdraw

    xlsdraw Active Member

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    A good Baptist pastor will be primarily concerned with the spiritual status of the two individuals seeking to marry.

    The pastor should be seeking to determine that you both have been born again. The Bible is crystal clear about not being unequally yoked, meaning both should be born again for the pastor to perform the marriage.

    The term "Christian" is widely usurped by many Religious Institutions that would not be viewed as Born Again believers by a competent Baptist pastor.

    At your age, there is no valid scriptural right for your mother to obstruct your marriage. But if she is truly right with God her discernment may be correct. That is why a good Baptist pastor should do his duty in probing the validity of the Christianity professed by both individuals seeking to marry.
     
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  11. RighteousnessTemperance&

    RighteousnessTemperance& Well-Known Member

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    Obviously, I have no dog in this hunt. But if it were me, I'd likely try to find a pastor able and willing to counsel me, my intended spouse, and the parents, and go from there. It may even take more than one pastor's involvement to get through.

    If you and your intended have not gone through your own counseling together already, then it's time to start.

    Family not on board with a relationship are potentials for seriously harming that relationship, and that's something I can always do without.
     
  12. Alcott

    Alcott Well-Known Member
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    It seems to me this is an age-old problem that is less prevalent in today's world than when many of us grew up. That is, one or both parents do not approve of a potential spouse for their child, and it could be for good reason(s), or maybe one or both parents do not think anyone is really worthy to marry their son or daughter; and the fact that you still live with parents into your thirties, apparently at their insistence, likely does indicate they want to take personal advantage of selected Bible verses by controlling your circumstances of living-- if I am wrong on that point, I do apologize.

    I presume you are female because of your chosen moniker. That doesn't really matter, but what may matter considerably is another assumption I get-- that you may not be experienced in managing a home and everything involved in that, while your fiance is, though maybe a one-person household only. If that is so, would you expect him to be like a parent to you, at least at the beginning? And btw as you are fiances, as you say, are you engaged in spite of your mother's disapproval? And might she actually take this to any extreme measures? I make no assumption about your dad what he thinks.But if you're willing to let it be known that you are engaged, another assumption I would make is that you intend to go through with the wedding regardless of family disapproval.

    I'm sorry. Like other posters here, I have said too much, when your only question is quite simple. Just be aware that getting a Baptist minister to officiate really is the simple part.
     
  13. canadyjd

    canadyjd Well-Known Member

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    You make numerous assumptions to lay a foundation for your “advice”.

    What I didn’t see in your explanation is a biblical foundation for your “advice”.

    peace to you
     
  14. Aaron

    Aaron Member
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    Ok. I'll change my advice. Hello, young lady, closer to 40 years old than 20. From your own testimony I see that you feel bound to the home till you get married. Nay, more than that, you are bound. You've chosen to post a question anonymously about what Baptists may think about your going against your parents' wishes on an obscure bulletin board instead of on Facebook or Twitter, or by calling your local Baptist church.

    You've met an exotic suitor. I'm sure that's exciting, and feels like a chance for freedom.

    Go for it. What could go wrong?
     
  15. Yeshua1

    Yeshua1 Well-Known Member
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    Are both of you saved, both encouraging each other to grow in Christ, and both of you will be in the same church? Really, its nice if your parents approve, but God approval trumps theirs in this case!
     
  16. canadyjd

    canadyjd Well-Known Member

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    Your sarcasm is just as bad, maybe worse. All of your assumptions are negative and you pontificate off those negative assumptions.

    You assume she feels “bound” by her parents wishes instead of assuming she is honoring her parents by living with them until she marries.

    You assume she had become “excited” by an “exotic” suitor, and is looking for a “chance for freedom”, instead of believing her statement they are both Christians looking for a church wedding.

    You assume the reason for the thread was to get opinions on her “going against .... parents wishes”, instead of what she specifically asked, which was “would a Baptist pastor marry them without parental approval”?

    I see this thread has moved off topic to a conflict of personalities, and for that I apologize to the OP.

    I truly hope God blesses your marriage.

    Thanks for the conversations

    peace to you
     
  17. Salty

    Salty 20,000 Posts Club
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    Your parents disapprove.
    So when there are special events -Christmas, birthdays anniversaries, ect
    will your parents invite your husband or just you?
    If invited would you parents come to your home for your anniversary, a birthday for your children, ect

    Would it come to the point where you would have to remove your parents from your social circles?
     
  18. Alex2165

    Alex2165 Member

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    I do not think that it really matters now your parents approval, while Bible teaches that children have to listen and obey their parents, the word "children" may mean adolescence and not mature individuals.


    Well, you are both in your 30's, and of course you are still children to your parents, and yourselves could soon become the parents.


    I think you are old enough to make certain decisions on your own.


    "In old good times" according to some places of the Bible it was a Jewish tradition when parent were looking for a wife or a husband for their sons and daughters, just like it was done with Samson, but in other instances some children made they own choices just like Jacob and Esau.


    But something is unclear in your post, you wrote:


    "My mom does not approve of the relationship. She just doesn't feel he's "good enough."


    What she actually expect? A rich man? Educated man? A doctor? A lawyer? Politician? Or just good looking man?


    You also wrote: "and there are ethnic/cultural differences. "What kind of differences they are?"


    If you are both true Christians there are no longer any "ethnic/cultural differences," there is only one ethnicity and one culture, the Christian one.
     
  19. Salty

    Salty 20,000 Posts Club
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    Alex, I disagree -
    First, I will come from this angle.
    I had a friend (who is now with the Lord) whas a pastor of a church. He was black - and his church was in the black area of the city.
    He told me that he believed that many people in the vincity would not attend because his wife was white.

    Now - the parents - with a difference of ethnic/cultural -- to begin - there is not such thing as only one ethnicity and culture.

    Here is one example - When I moved down South - about the first thing at the church I observed was that every kid would answer
    an adult by saying "Yes, Mamm" No, Sir, ect. Kids from up North just dont do that.
    So lets say that a guy from the North - marries a girl from the South (same race) and they move up NOrth. as they have kids - Dad does not care if the kids say Yes sir or no sir. But Mom does - and its a continue fight.--- well, they vist Grandma and Grandpa down South - and when Grand Pa asks Jr to go out to the Car to get something - and Jr responds - "nope". Later Grama askes Jr, would you like some ice cream and the answer is "Yep" Well Grandma and Grandpa have a word with them and explain they should say "yes sir" Now dad gets mad at Grandpa- ect
    There could be all kinds of examples - maybe the way Christmas is celebrated,
    Writing thank you notes, attending church, using not such nice language. Than Mom then tells Grandma maybe you were right......

    The more differences - that a couple have - the harder it will be to have a successful.
    Can a couple overcome differences - of course -but it takes work - and compromise.
    and other issues may come up.-- and that list could just about be endless

    The couple need to have some good Christian counseling and a few sessions should include Grandma and Grandpa.
     
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  20. Alex2165

    Alex2165 Member

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    Well, if as Christians we still pay attention to a certain insignificant differences as the accent or dialect, the color of the skin, the facial differences, and other physical or cultural aspects of a person, we are not truly in Christ.


    Yes, Christ made differences between Jews and Gentiles, but He made it on the basis of GOD'S selection, responsibilities, and Law, not on ethnic and cultural differences.


    Acts 15.8-11

    8.And GOD Who knows the human heart testified to them (Gentiles) by giving them the Holy Spirit, just as He did to us,

    9.and in cleansing their (Gentiles) hearts by faith, He has made no distinction between them and us.


    "He has made no distinction between them and us." This means that those who has Holy Spirit of GOD in their heart and cleansed by faith, all absolutely equal in GOD, no matter what the race of a person is, culture, or traditions, and if a race in this case no longer exist, this means that all so called "ethnic and cultural" aspects are erased as well, all became one in Christ.


    Galatians 3.28

    28.There is neither Jew nor Greek (Gentile), there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female (Matthew 22.30) (Mark 12.25) (Luke 20.33-36) (Galatians 3.28), you are all one in Christ Jesus.


    We also know some examples of Jews and Gentiles who intermarried and have no problem with so called "ethnic and cultural" differences; Rahab, Zipporah, Ruth and some others, they are all became the part of Israel and considered as native Israelites, and all belongs to GOD of Israel.

    They do not need "Christian" counseling Salty, they need Christ, and then they get Christ, then they will be one in Christ.
     
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